How to psychologically manage a divorce process

In most cases, the importance that divorce has for us is that it represents the end of one of the stages of life, and the beginning of something new. Could that be a good stage for us to come? That depends, in large part, on how we emotionally manage the end of that marriage.

In this article we will talk about The psychological keys to face a divorce in the best possible way; not to totally avoid the discomfort that it can cause us, but to contribute to our emotional well-being in the possible, and without falling into harmful or even self-destructive dynamics in what can be experienced as a crisis vital.

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Is there a good divorce?

Many times we take for granted that divorce is always an emotionally very painful experience, in some cases even traumatic. Is this the case in all cases, necessarily? The truth is that there is no reason.

For some people, divorce is the final stage of a relationship so unhealthy that it is, in fact, good news. It is even possible to see situations where both people welcome the divorce from an attitude of mutual understanding and cooperation (something that can happen if there were no cases of abuse in the relationship but rather that the discomfort was generated by incompatibilities).

Now, it is very important to note that we are not able to directly and fully control how a divorce makes us feel. This means that it is just as legitimate to experience emotional pain when getting divorced as it is to feel joy, relief, or any other form of pleasant mood.

If there is something that we can call a "good divorce", this or consists of not feeling any state of mind associated with discomfort, since this is something that does not depend entirely on us. It has to do with the way in which we manage the emotions that arise in us once we are aware that we are going to experience a divorce in the first person. The key idea here is to avoid self-sabotaging dynamics, those that only serve to wear us down psychologically and generate unnecessary conflicts.

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Keys to psychologically manage a divorce process

To face a divorce in the best possible way, keep these tips in mind.

1. Avoid fighting egos

If you assume that the other person has a fundamental desire to harm you or to see you fall apart emotionally, you will be contributing without realizing it to that idea becoming a reality, even if it wasn't like that at first, since you will damage the relationship through your hostile attitude. Don't fall for the "self-fulfilling prophecy" trap and assume that, if there are certain conflicts of interest or conflicts in the divorce, these do not have to be the result of an attempt to make you unhappy.

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2. Assume you don't have to prove anything

In a divorce you should not play any role; you simply must ensure your well-being without depending on expectations or gender roles. Act according to your values, but without actually trying to "represent" something.

3. Don't act like everything depends on avoiding that discomfort.

Even when we are going through a divorce, we are much more than a person who is getting divorced.. It may be that during those days or weeks the legal dissolution of the marriage occupies a large part of our attention, but we are still human beings with full capacity to experience all other aspects of life.

Therefore, don't assume that your priority is to avoid the discomfort generated by the divorce (if that's how you feel). That is not the only aspect of everyday life that involves you, your ability to be happy is still there and it does not depend only on how you experience it; wellness is a global phenomenon that feeds into every facet of your life. So instead of trying to "block out" painful thoughts, keep experiencing and tapping into the opportunities that life gives you to start projects, develop stimulating skills, motivate yourself by something etc

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3. Keep an active social life

Divorce is actually an opportunity to have more time to devote to other relationships beyond that ending marriage. Dealing with your friends is not only pleasant, it will also help you contrast points of view and avoid strong self-confirmation biases when analyzing what is happening in your life.

4. Avoid having important conversations through text messages

In situations where it's so easy to assume the other person is being hostile, it's best not to lead to misunderstandings. Anxiety thrives on ambiguity. Therefore, important conversations should take place face to face, or at least by phone call.

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5. In case of having small children in common, focused on cooperating for their well-being

The little ones can suffer a lot from a divorce, if it is not managed well. In addition, having your child's well-being as a shared goal can act as a context to smooth things over.

6. If the situation overwhelms you, attend psychotherapy

If nothing you do seems to help you turn the page and you don't notice improvements in your mood as the weeks go by, It is recommended that you go to psychotherapy.

Are you looking for professional psychological assistance?

If you are going through difficult times due to a divorce and you are considering starting a process of psychological therapy, we invite you to contact us.

In Adhara Psychology We have been offering our services for over a decade. From a humanistic approach, we serve people of all ages. We work intervening in emotional disturbances, couple problems, traumas, low self-esteem, and more. The sessions can be done in person at our center located in Madrid, and also through online therapy by video call.