4 keys to avoid emotional dependence

Emotional dependence is a very important concept in the field of Psychology., since it can greatly affect our quality of life and the personal relationships we establish. Luckily, there are some ways to avoid it, or to minimize the chance of it appearing.

But before seeing how we can avoid it, it is necessary to clarify what emotional dependence is.

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What is emotional dependency?

We must define that emotional dependency as an addiction; it is the inability to sever a relationship when we should. It occurs before experiences that can be expressed in: "it can't be me, I have abandoned my friendships, hobbies".

In situations like this we ask ourselves: where am I? But still we can't leave the relationship because we feel we "need" the other person.

Emotional dependence is that need we have to be with the other person even when they are very bad. We have addiction towards the other person. "I do not choose you, nor do you contribute to me, I need you".

When considering dependency as an addiction, we must take into account that there is a withdrawal syndrome: for For example, when we try to leave our partner and we feel a great need to be with this person again. person.

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What are the indicators of emotional dependence?

These are the main experiences associated with emotional dependence:

• Low self-esteem.
• Difficulty assuming responsibilities.
• It is almost impossible to make decisions.
• Very little or no assertiveness.
• Feelings of fear of rejection.
• Great disposition to obey.
• They never put their needs before those of others.
• Lots of lack of self-confidence.
• Feeling of emptiness, they need the other person to feel complete.
• Very low tolerance for loneliness.

Emotionally dependent people can do things for themselves, but need the support of their partner or another person to validate their self-efficacy.

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How can we avoid emotional dependence?

When it comes to preventing these kinds of dysfunctional ways of bonding with other people from developing, keep the following guidelines in mind.

1. become aware

It is important to be aware that we are beginning to have a problem of emotional dependency. "I have an addiction, I have a problem." A lot of times we say, "I know, I see it's not working, but I can't quit." When this awareness occurs, the best way to avoid this emotional dependency is to distance yourself from that person. Do not have any contact, neither physical nor telephone or through social networks.

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2. Strengthen our self-esteem

By improving our self-esteem, we will contribute a lot to not falling into emotional dependence. Self-esteem, the feeling of how valuable I am, is key in relationships. Messages that we send to ourselves such as “no one is going to choose me”, “I will stay alone” make us cling to someone, although the relationship is not entirely good for us.

Our self-esteem is forged between the ages of 4 and 10, in our childhood, and is at its highest point between 60 and 70 years.

For Nathaniel Branden, all 6 pillars of self esteem are:

• Live consciously. Analyze ourselves, seeing what we can improve.
• Accept us. Connect with our inner child, recognize ourselves, approve of us. Be aware of our emotional shortcomings.
• hold ourselves accountable Once we have accepted ourselves, we must take responsibility for our lives and not externalize everything that happens to us.
• work the assertiveness. The ability to express and defend our own rights without harming others, but without forgetting our point of view. Learn to say “no”.
• Live with a purpose. Know where we are going, what we want, what resources we have.
• Live fully. Promote self-esteem in others.

3. Prioritize our needs

Having spent time immersed in a relationship in which we have forgotten ourselves. Therefore, it is important to assess our needs and reflect on:

• What are my values?
• What are my needs and preferences?
• What aspects are non-negotiable?
• What do I look for in a partner?
• What are my limits?

4. Dismiss the myths of romantic love

Since we are little we are educated in different myths about love. In the movies, on television, love is something romantic that does not understand self-esteem or maturity. Phrases like:

• The love conquers all.
• Love forgives all.
• Who does love you, will make you cry.
• True love hurts.

All these myths mean that when we find ourselves in a relationship of emotional dependency, in a relationship that makes us suffer, we feel that this is love.

Y the reality is that love does not hurt, love doesn't make you cry, it makes you smile and love can't handle everything or forgive everything. Love is having no guarantees, no "forever", but choosing ourselves every day, first ourselves and our partner.