How to deal with a toxic family?

The family is our first context of socialization, the one in which we first learn to speak and understand language, and from which we inherit a whole series of cultural and behavioral elements that shape our personality.

However, it can also become a space that generates discomfort in us at any stage of our lives, something aggravated by the fact that in most cases those people are very important to us, because of what I have said before. We not only feel linked to these people because of custom and coexistence; In addition, we develop an emotional connection. Therefore, when we find ourselves in a toxic family relationship, this is especially painful.

In this article you will find some Strategies that will be useful when overcoming a toxic relationship in the family, bearing in mind that the first thing is your physical and mental health.

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I have a toxic relationship with my family: what do I do?

Follow these tips to improve the coexistence and/or communication and dynamics of mutual support that you maintain with that part of the family with which you have a toxic relationship.

1. Establish if you have crossed the line that makes you a victim of abuse

In the first place, it is essential that you stop to think about whether or not your position is that of a victim of abuse before that part of the family with which you feel there is a problem. That is, if in the case of trying to improve the relationship with these people, you expose yourself to suffering mistreatment, either through physical violence or psychological violence.

the key is in focus on the present and what could happen in the near future based on what you know is happening today; For example, many people have a bad relationship with their parents because in the latter's generation it was common to hit their parents. children to try to educate them, but if this happened decades ago, that does not have to mean that violence continues today day.

On the other hand, in the case of psychological abuse, it can be complex to define whether or not you are a victim, among other things because in very conflictive family relationships it is relatively common for there to be an exchange of unfair accusations, occasional insults, etc. In other words, both opposing parties carry out actions that, seen as something individual, can be understood as treating the other badly.

What matters here is the globality of the relationship, and specifically, these two aspects: if there is a clear imbalance of power in which one of the parties clearly has more capacity to harm the other person and the latter is cornered by it and can only adopt a defensive role, on the one hand, and if the intensity and frequency of these attacks significantly damage the quality of life of the person who is defensive, by the other, or pose a threat against the integrity of it.

In the event that you determine that you are a victim of abuse, it is very important that you give up the pretense of improving your relationship with that member or group of family members and that you prioritize ensuring your physical and mental health first place.

• You may be interested: "The 9 types of abuse and their characteristics"

2. Accept the idea of ​​having to apologize

Although toxic attitudes on the part of the other person is the first thing we realize when evaluating a relationship, we must not forget that even if it is unconsciously, it also we may have performed unfair actions that have caused unnecessary pain in that part of our family with which we want to reconcile.

Therefore, it is important that you reflect on what you have done, and analyze to what extent it was justified. In case you have fallen into one or more of these harmful actions, assume that you must apologize, and that this is not a bad thing nor does it imply being weak; quite the opposite, it shows your ability to repair relationships. Now remember that an apology is not just a matter of words; You must also express a sincere desire to repair the damage caused, at least to the extent possible. This way you will show your commitment to make that link work.

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3. Dedicate at least one talk to address the problem and propose solutions

Although the process of overcoming a toxic family relationship takes time and must be developed over weeks and months, it is necessary that at some point there is a qualitative change in the way you deal with that relationship. Namely, a moment in which it is clear that the way of interacting and communicating is going to change. This "starting from scratch" is a temporary reference that will motivate both parties to make an effort to improve the relationship, since, since you will have generated the expectations that this will happen.

If you don't talk about a problem, it is impossible to solve it. Sometimes in families the dynamic of silence is created and the members learn to act in a passive-aggressive way. It is time to break the cycle. Spend some time writing down and sorting out your feelings, and when you get to the real cause of what's causing your discomfort, find a moment where you are all quiet and calm to be able to speak it firmly and clearly. Your feelings matter.

So, set a date and time to have a serious talk in which, without rushing and with nothing to distract you, you can talk about how you you have felt, how you feel, and what you could do to improve that relationship through actions and routines that mark the difference. This is also the time to apologize and to show that you both have an interest in regaining each other's trust., establishing goals that allow demonstrating that this commitment is there, is not pure fiction.

This talk should serve three things: express your point of view and acknowledge the feelings of the other party, apologize and propose reparation measures, and set specific objectives that you commit to meet in a certain period to overcome this relationship toxic.

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4. support the other party

Any change in routine costs, and it may become difficult not to "relapse" into pointless discussions or inappropriate ways of communicating. Given this, it is important that before the conflict escalates again, the other party helps those who have problems to keep their word, showing that he does it not from an attitude of reproach or moral superiority, but as a sign and interest in improving the relationship and hoping that the other person will do the same for you if you need that help.

For example, redirecting a discussion towards constructive criticism instead of allowing it to turn into a fight, or helping the other person calm down, etc.

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5. go to psychotherapy

If nothing seems to work, the most effective solution will be go to psychological therapy.

On the one hand, complicated or conflicting family relationships can be both the cause and the consequence of psychological disorders linked to poor mental health. On the other hand, it is not necessary to have developed a psychological disorder to go to a psychologist: family therapy is a context of professional intervention that can help a lot where It is necessary to improve the dynamics of communication or coexistence, as well as to overcome conflicts that have remained entrenched for a long time and facilitate the production of reconciliation.

• You may be interested: "The 10 benefits of going to psychological therapy"

Are you looking for professional psychological assistance?

If you want to have psychotherapeutic support, I invite you to contact me.

My name is Leticia Martinez Val and I am a health psychologist specializing in the care of adults and adolescents. I work combining strategies and intervention techniques of cognitive-behavioral therapy, Mindfulness, Third Generation Therapies and systemic family therapy, and I offer face-to-face sessions and video call.