Do you live your relationships with anxiety?

It is no secret that human beings have a great predisposition to establish collaborative relationships with the rest of the members of our species; This is the only way to explain why we are able to compose societies that are home to millions of people living together in relative harmony, something unheard of if we look at the way of life of other mammals.

In theory, this tendency to maintain friendly or even loving ties with others is a way in which we provide ourselves with a network of social support, as well as the ability to be happy by participating in the lives of other people, which helps us to promote our personal development and discover our own qualities. I insist: in theory.

Because in practice, it is not uncommon for cases in which even the most grounded personal relationships in years of constant contact become a factory of anxiety and stress, something that wears down our emotional well-being but that, at the same time, we do not feel capable of letting go or trying to manage so that it stops negatively affecting our quality of life. lifetime. Here

We will see what are the characteristics of these forms of anxious and dysfunctional attachment with which you can feel identified., and some tips to manage them.

• Related article: "What is anxiety: how to recognize it and what to do"

The main variants of anxious attachment

Below we will see what are the main and most frequent psychological factors that can lead to people to establish bonds that generate anxiety when interacting with their friends, their relatives, their couples etc

1. Relationships based on the desire to transform the other

This type of anxiety-producing relationship arises when you feel the need to have a deep connection with the other person, but never you feel that the other connects with you on an emotional or intellectual level: they have a scale of values ​​very different from yours, their interests are so different that it never asks the right questions to understand how you feel, it does not give you the emotional support that you expected when facing your problems etc.

In such cases, there is a significant difference between the expectations you have placed on that relationship, and what the relationship actually provides you, and furthermore, it is likely that it is difficult for you to put into words why that bond with the other person does not satisfy you, which can lead you to blame her or yourself (although in reality no one has to be "to blame" for anything).

These kinds of situations lead people to become obsessed with changing the person with whom they have established a relationship, trying to “be at their level”. The lack of results in these unilateral attempts give rise to anxiety both because of frustration and because of the climate of negativity that takes over that relationship (since the other person does not fully understand what is happening and feels unfairly criticized).

• You may be interested: "The 6 main types of toxic relationships"

2. Relationships based on fear of rejection

These types of anxiety-producing relationships are not maintained because of the happiness they bring us, but because of the fear that they will end. They occur when you are constantly worried that what you do or say is not going to please your partner, family member or friend and you fear that the relationship may break up because of you.

In addition to giving rise to emotional dependence, this kind of dynamic may encourage the other person to inadvertently take on an absolute leadership role in all aspects of the relationship, and get used to not having our point of view or opinion, which further feeds the vicious circle of fear of rejection.

• Related article: "How to get out of emotional dependence in a friendship?"

3. Relationships based on evidence of love or affection

This type of relationship has some characteristics in common with those that have to do with emotional dependence, but in this case, a passive-aggressive attitude arises that leads to to constantly ask for proof that the love or affective bond is still valid, and the lack of non-ordinary behaviors that demonstrate it is considered a sign that something is wrong. Namely, you get into a “he doesn't love me until proven otherwise” mentality.

This behavioral dynamic is associated with the need to constantly ask if they still love you or see you as someone special. In addition, in many cases, even if the answer is positive, suspicions arise and the one who tests the other person does not ends up believing in the sincerity of her answers, although she tries to comfort her and give the assurance that the relationship is going good.

• You may be interested: "The 4 types of love: what different kinds of love exist?"

4. Relationships based on jealousy and the desire to control the other

Unfortunately, these types of relationships are very common even today, and in many cases they are so severe that they become a form of psychological abuse (when the jealous or controlling person is not aware that what is happening is their problem, and not a problem on the part of the other person).

When this happens, there is a possessive, jealous behavior that leads to trying to make decisions for the other person, as if they were a possession and not a human being. This need for control could be fueled by the fear of abandonment, and actually ends up driving the person away, generating the effect of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

• Related article: "The types of jealousy and their different characteristics"

To do?

Here are some tips to keep in mind if you find yourself participating in anxiety-producing relationships.

1. Do not assume that someone is to blame for what happens

On many occasions, relationships become unsatisfactory or emotionally damaging through no one's fault; This is what happens when there is an incompatibility between very different forms of personality, for example. So, do not assume that you have to adopt a hostile attitude towards the other person.

2. Be clear about the limits to be respected

You must know how to mark the limits that the other person should not exceed when dealing with you, and also what is the red line you must not cross to respect the rights and dignity of the other person. Only in this way will you be able to manage the situation properly, either to improve the relationship or to end it on good terms.

• You may be interested: "Assertiveness: 5 basic habits to improve communication"

3. Learn to identify abuse in all its forms

You must bear in mind that abuse is not only physical; It can be psychological and very subtle, and it is important that if it happens, you identify it quickly so as not to let yourself fall victim to an emotional manipulation strategy from that dynamic. And if there is abuse, it is very important not to try to improve the relationship: the absolute priority must be to cut off contact and move on to being safe.

4. Learn to establish a fluid dialogue based on assertiveness and active listening

The balance between active listening and assertiveness will prepare you to be able to express yourself honestly and at the same time do your best because the other person is also able to do so. Do not leave taboo topics unaddressed if they are relevant to improve the quality of the relationship.

5. If the problem arises from past wrongs, it is necessary to repair the damage

If there has been an unfair situation, or more than one, it is essential that the damage caused be recognized, that an apology takes place, and an initiative is given to try to repair the damage caused to the extent possible. possible. This way you will be more likely to start from scratch, breaking the vicious circle of passive-aggressive behavior, questioning the intentions of the other, etc.

• You may be interested: "What's the use of apologizing? Its 6 benefits"

Are you interested in having professional psychological assistance?

If you want to start a process of individualized psychological therapy, or you are interested in going to family or couples therapy, contact me.

My name is Leticia Martinez Val and I am a health psychologist specializing in care for the adult and adolescent population. I offer face-to-face sessions in my office in Zaragoza and also online by video call.