7 guidelines to help our sons and daughters overcome fear

"Sometimes emotions can be our worst enemies, but they can also be our best friends." How many times have I said that phrase to boys and girls or, in its adult version, to parents and adults. And it is that, depending on how we handle them, our own emotions can cause us great discomfort or help us to better adapt to the environment.

Fear in particular has the function of protecting us from those situations that can be dangerous. But sometimes it can turn against us, preventing us from doing what we want and causing great discomfort. Fathers and mothers have a double challenge since they have to manage both their emotions and transmit it to their children and daughters, being able to have difficulties in one or both tasks, which sometimes gives rise to great discomfort for the whole family. family.

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Facing fear from childhood

The fear appears at seven months of life, usually produced by loud noises or heights. With the development of children, the perception of the world changes, encountering new and unknown stimuli until then, this causes other fears to appear.

Thus, for example, with the beginning of symbolic play and the development of mental representations, fear appears to the dark and ghosts, and may have difficulty sleeping alone, even after doing so previously.

This appearance of fears associated with the development of the child is called evolutionary fears, and they are associated with that adaptation to novelty. Below I summarize the most important ones.

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evolutionary fears

During the first year of life, the fears that appear are loud noises, loss of physical support, strangers and separation.

From the first year is when the fear of small animals or insects may appear, in addition to different natural phenomena, such as thunder and storms. In addition, they often feel fear of separation from the main figures of attachment such as parents, this anxiety or separation anguish usually appears around the two years.

Between the ages of two and a half and six, the fear of the dark, ghosts and being alone appears, can also express fear of other animals.

Later, fears related to health, physical damage and bodily injury are characteristic, appearing from the age of six. Fear of death and some school fears are also relevant.

During preadolescence (11-13 years), the most important fears are social; has previously appeared shame and the child may have had to adapt to some social problems, but it is at these ages where fears related to self-image and school are more relevant.

In adolescence, school and social fears follow, but these are more focused on interpersonal relationships, fears of self-identity and personal performance.

These fears appear with the child's development and also disappear with her development when she learns that these situations (for example, sleeping alone) are not really dangerous. But if they face that situation without feeling prepared for it, either because they don't feel supported and capable or because we don't allow them to face it, it can cause problems in different areas of your life.

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Guidelines and tips

Keep these parenting tips and recommendations in mind.

1. Help the boy or girl to identify the emotion

You have to help him defining and understanding how you feel may involve better understanding yourself and reduce the feeling of lack of control of oneself.

2. Listen and validate the emotion

As parents, we do not want our children to have discomfort and sometimes for this purpose we use phrases such as "don't be afraid" or "if nothing happens". However, these phrases do not allow you to create skills to relate to your fear and we can achieve the opposite effect.

Instead of these phrases we can use others such as "I know you're scared" or "tell me what can happen" that can make you feel heard and understood. At the end of the day, we can all be afraid and they are human emotions, they should not feel bad for feeling it and they should not be "accepted or allowed" to have it.

3. Normalize having and facing fear

It is normal that before unknown situations until that moment we do not know how to react and we need to prepare ourselves, and that when facing that situation at the beginning it is difficult for us. Share a situation in which we have been afraid, especially if we have managed to overcome it, together with the previous guidelines, can help the child to identify themselves, not see themselves as someone strange, contributing to better self-esteem and motivating themselves to face to fear.

Another option that we can use for this purpose is a story, there are many on the market both oriented specifically for fear and emotions in general, in addition, there are stories for fears specific.

4. Encourage him to try to face the fear

It is important to understand that the purpose is for them to learn to relate to fear for what it is, an alarm or emotion that allows us to be alert to possible danger. However, this possible alert should not control our actions and decide for us. It is something that children can learn, normalize the emotion of fear by understanding why it occurs and what they can do to resolve it properly.

Besides, this must be done gradually or with an adequate scale of intensity of coping with the stimulus or situation that produces fear, since if the child is forced to be in a situation that produces intense fear and is not allowed to "escape" may have the opposite effect to what we would like. At the PsicoAlmería psychology center, we establish specific guidelines for each case and we achieve the elimination of fears and the learning that should entail at those early ages.

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5. face fear together

There will be situations where the above guidelines are not enough, needing us to accompany you at first or some object that creates security. This help must be withdrawn little by little as the child feels capable of doing it alone.

6. go slowly

If you can't deal with that situation all of a sudden, we can set small goals for you. This will make it easier for you to see yourself overcoming fear and succeeding.

7. Evaluate successes and failures

It is very important that we value any approach that they make to the objective that we have. It can be done with prizes, both with small prizes in the approximations and with a large one in case of obtaining the final goal, but what must never be forgotten is to express how proud and We are glad that you have faced your fear, regardless of its success or not, this way you will keep trying and we will increase the chances that you will overcome yourself same. Verbal reinforcement to a minor always produces more positive consequences than a material reward.

Do you need professional help?

If the fear persists, we observe that he is very unwell or we do not see ourselves capable of offering the child the necessary tools to face your fear, it is recommended to go to a professional such as psychologists from PsychoAlmería.

These will help both the child and ourselves to face our emotions in a better way. The ultimate goal will be for the minor to identify her emotions, understand them, learn from them without rejecting them until the fear disappears and improve her self-concept.

In PsicoAlmería, the psychologist María del Mar Jodar García will be able to help the minor or adolescent to overcome the situation her that she is always going through understanding that each person is different and therefore adapting the therapy to her situation. Sessions can be face-to-face and online.