Selfishness or self-care?

Have you ever wondered if you are, were or are being selfish? Do you have difficulty saying no? To put yourself ahead of others... If you are answering yes to everything, perhaps this article will come in handy.

From the collective unconscious They have guided and educated us in the care and vision towards others. Logically, we are social beings and none of us would survive adaptively if we did not take this into account.

Our emotions, behaviors and attitudes, most of the time, are in a dance between the interior, the personal, and the exterior, the social. This is why today I would like to review what is it really to be selfish and help you so that this concept does not limit your life but rather helps you lead it more balanced.

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The relationship between selfishness and self-care

Selfishness is defined as the immoderate and excessive love towards oneself, which causes disproportionate attention to one's own interest, without caring for others. So,

How can it be that someone who does not take care of himself and only looks out for others feels selfish?

The answer is easy, the concept has been devalued towards a very basic idea of ​​it: if I look for myself I do bad, if I look for others I do good. The connotations “immoderate”, “excessive” or “without caring for others” have been removed and only the most basic idea of ​​the message remains.

This is where the problem lies, the idea behind this look for me is wrong message is that others are more important than me. If I know it's more important than me and I don't attend to it, I'm putting myself out of control and then I think I'm being selfish. This is the vicious circle.

How to stop that loop?

Here are some ideas that may be interesting to begin to understand how this limiting belief works and to be able to solve it.

1. If I'm not okay, I can't be okay with others

The idea is that the relationship I have with the outside is a mirror of the relationship I have with myself. If I don't pay attention to myself, review myself and analyze myself, I won't be able to connect with what may really be happening to me and I won't be able to change what isn't working in my external relations.

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2. If I am always aware of the other I will not be able to know what I need

Other-focused people don't just do it because they are good people, good neighbors, family members, or friends. Intrapsychically, it is understood that that person who puts all her attention on the outside does it because he does not want / can / wants to look inside. The damage that is inside is strong, so if I put all my attention on the outside it will allow me not to look inside myself at what is hurting me.

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3. If I don't check what I have or don't have, I don't know how I can help.

Helping does not always have to do with giving, sometimes it is also doing nothing and other times helping has to do with withdrawing.

Many times people who pay attention to others all the time create false beliefs about what others need. I say false because they do it from what they believe the other person needs but they do not ask to find out what they really need or would help the other person. To know how to help, I first have to know what I have or what I lack and know what the other person needs, not what I think they need.

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4. The damage is in the other, not in you

Sometimes we do not dare to look for ourselves because we think that it could harm the other person. For example, if I tell him that I don't want to go to his birthday, I will hurt him. I'm not saying it's not like that, we should see the case but most of the time we understand what hurts the other by what would hurt us. That is, we project our fears, fears, joys or anger on the other.

But the reality is that we know for sure, because we have experienced it on other occasions, that what harms one person may not harm another and vice versa. This is because the damage, the pain, does not come so much from the one who infringes it, but from the life story of the other person, from her backpack.

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a false dilemma

So... Is self-care the perfect complement to not being selfish? Yes. If you spend time pampering yourself, looking at yourself, knowing what you need to rest and how you need it, you can offer the best of yourself to others.

If I keep myself in mind, I will not take on responsibilities that are not mine, I will be more rested, I will be able to enjoy my time and the time I need with others, I will be more comfortable with myself and above all, I will be able to adapt to situations as required, not as I think I should make.

Reviewing the core concepts in which we have shaped our lives helps us to adjust those limiting beliefs, and will help us to be happier with ourselves and with others. So remember, if you want to be unselfish, start by taking care of yourself.