The sense of emotional regulation

How many times have you heard “You don't have to be sad” or “You have to find happiness”? It is very likely that many times, since our social context is full of messages of this style. All this is the result of living in a culture in which, from birth, they are telling us that we must avoid any sign of suffering as fast as we can.

In this sense, when we live aware of anything that can negatively affect our experiences, "under the skin", such as thoughts and emotions, is when we take measures so that we do not happen. And, therefore, it is when problems that we do not want most likely arise.

This way of working may be very logical. It is almost unthinkable to imagine that someone likes to suffer. However, when it is very established and difficult to change and goes against what we value most, the disadvantages begin to be noticed in many areas, leaving our life subject to eliminating suffering at all costs.

This is a very common way of regulating ourselves emotionally and many people get stuck, not understanding what is really going on or why it is so difficult for them to manage their lives. In this article

we will talk about emotional regulation and understand how we get stuck.

• Related article: "What is emotional intelligence?"

Defining emotional regulation

In general, we can say that emotional regulation consists of the behaviors and skills that we put into motion when we want to influence the emotions we feel, when we have them, and the way we experience and express them.

Another important aspect is the role that our context and our personal goals have when we choose emotional regulation strategies. Thus, an adaptive way of regulating our emotions is one that takes into account the demands of our environment and our important life goals.

• You may be interested: "Emotional psychology: main theories of emotion"

An example is worth a thousand words

Imagine that your work is very important to you and you have to make a presentation of a project in front of many people. The downside of all this is that you get on your nerves when you have to speak in public.

However, the best way to deal with this situation would be to make the presentation Even when you're wanting to run away and avoid such unpleasant sensations, bearing in mind that your work is very important to you and makes you feel like a fulfilled person, worth having a hard time during that time. The good news is that when you've done this a few times, it may not be as difficult as it was at first.

• Related article: "What is fear? Characteristics of this emotion"

That's how we got stuck...

As we have been talking about so far, the way to regulate our emotions is problematic when we act according to these widespread messages. socially that tell us "you should not think or feel this or that", establishing a prevailing and "correct" but maladaptive way of managing our emotions.

Namely, we begin to deliberately avoid internal situations or experiences (like emotions) trying to suppress them and changing their form and occurrence.

Thus, this way of moving in the world becomes a necessary prerequisite to be able to function effectively and, consequently, our life is narrowing more and more, being trapped and leaving aside everything that matters to us and that we value most in our lives.

What can we do?

There is no magic recipe that makes our emotions disappear, but we can learn to manage them adaptively without letting them dominate our lives. Some general guidelines are as follows.

1. Be aware and understand your emotions

It is important that you know that emotions are natural. Identify what emotion you are experiencing at a given moment and what situation or event generates it. Realize that, given certain circumstances, it is normal for our emotions to arouse: anxiety prepares us and makes us that we act in dangerous situations, so it is normal and adaptive to feel it in the face of a car accident, for example.

2. Accept them as they are

In addition to emotions having a meaning, they also occupy space and time. Given a particular situation, an emotion can appear, increase its intensity and, after a certain time, that intensity decreases again without us doing anything about it. Accept that they appear and do not stop living your life for them.

3. Keep in mind your valuable vital directions

Do not forget the most important thing: the vital addresses that you value the most. Reflect if what you are doing with your emotions are preventing you from following those directions, if they have narrowed your life and you have lost your way. Think about what is more important to you: whether to stop feeling an unpleasant emotion or feel the satisfaction of acting on your valuable directions.

If you need more information and specific guidance, in the center PsychoAlmería, both online and in person, a team of psychologists will help you in a personalized way so that you can properly regulate your emotions; They will attend to you so that you come to understand and accept your emotions without limiting your personal goals.

Author: Psychologist Franco Castellá.