8 guidelines for the emotional management of divorce

In some marriages, the arrival of divorce is a source of satisfaction and relief, a civilized way to put an end to a relationship that, for whatever reason, has not worked out. However, it is no secret that in many cases, even in people who have already been separated for months, the "official" end of the marriage is an emotionally painful experience or, at the very least, causes a certain sense of disorientation or even emptiness existential.

This last type of experience is usually accompanied by emotional difficulties both in the relationship with oneself and in relationships with others, especially if there are children involved. Therefore, here we will discuss some guidelines for emotional management of the divorce experience, as general advice.

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The keys to emotional management of divorce

Obviously, each case has its particularities, and if it is already true that each person is unique, in the case of a divorce, which directly involves two individuals, there are even more variables in play. In any case, and on the basis that the best solution to emotional problems is to attend psychotherapy (for obtain totally personalized professional support), several of the guidelines that can help you to face a divorce are the following.

1. focus on acceptance

Accepting the current situation that one is going through during a divorce process is the first guideline, an essential one, with which we can manage it in the best possible way.

Those people who do not accept their divorce or who do not want to recognize the reality of the facts they tend to get frustrated, feel bad and constantly imagine possible idealized alternative scenarios or strategies to avoid the current situation. This not only prevents turning the page, but often leads to confrontation and the adoption of a hostile attitude (or more hostile, if the relationship was not already). good) against the ex-partner, because this dynamic keeps afloat the fiction that oneself has control over the existence or non-existence of the marriage.

Instead of doing that, it is recommended to focus on the present and the future that lies ahead as single people; we must be clear that the world is not ending and that it is perfectly possible to be happy beyond the marriage that has ended, and put our effort into achieving our own emotional well-being through those elements of our lives that we can control.

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2. Don't try to fix the situation

Even among those who accept that divorce is the "default" option that exists today, some people cling to hope. to "fix" the relationship that has been broken, a very little constructive intention and that does not correspond at all to the possibilities of success.

Although it is true that some relationships can be reconciled, that usually happens after a certain time, and it is important that something like this happens without pressure or obsession, but spontaneously and without looking for it.

That is why it is of great importance that during the divorce process a state of calm and maintenance of the attentional focus on goals that involve us alone (or our family in case of have children).

3. don't hide it

During a divorce process, also It is advisable not to keep this fact a secret, nor take too long to communicate the news to the rest of your loved ones.. If it takes a long time, that topic can become a secret that is difficult to "cover" and that in the long run generates more added worries, because you feel the pressure of having to justify why nothing was said in your moment.

If it is very difficult to communicate the news of the recent divorce, you can set specific dates and times to take the step and forget about that concern as soon as possible.

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4. Do not just communicate the facts to the children

In the event that you have children, especially if they are very young, it is important not only to communicate the news of the divorce, but also to clarify what will happen to them. from now on in the family environment and offer them emotional support, without assuming that they are "robots" that simply have to process information of the verbal. All this in a calm tone and open to participation, reserving a place that offers privacy and a time when there are no distractions or other things to do.

It should be borne in mind that in the event that the children lack information about the future after a divorce, tend to take a pessimistic view and put themselves in the worst possible scenario: in the face of ambiguity, it is easy for anxiety to arise. That is why it is of great importance to clarify any doubts and address the present and future situation, instead of just talking about what has already happened.

5. Boost your social life

It is quite common that after a sentimental breakup of this type, if it coincides with the marital separation, we have a lot of free time that we used to spend with the other person. Some people tend to waste this free time alone due to inertia, something that we must avoid at all costs.

After a divorce it is advisable to give a boost to your social life to compensate for the fact that the hours spent in the company of your partner are no longer there. It is better to participate in new social activities so as not to be alone through sheer passivity. We must not forget that going from living with a partner to not doing so has objective implications that go beyond the mental: routines change significantly, and you have to know how to adapt to it.

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6. Do not be obsessed with finding a partner

This is an important topic, since many people are obsessed with finding a new partner as soon as possible after a painful divorce, either because of the need to overcome emotions negative feelings that divorce generates either because they find it difficult to be alone, or directly because singleness seems to them to be something linked to a stigma (especially in people who are no longer very youths).

To achieve emotional balance after the breakup and give us some time to reflect on what happened, it is important not to become obsessed with having a new partner and to focus on ourselves during the first weeks, in part to be clear about what we really want, what are the values ​​and life projects that we should focus on.

This doesn't mean turning down dates, it's just about not focusing on the need for another partner and spending time know ourselves better, discover what we want in the future and with what philosophy of life we ​​want to face this new stage of our life.

7. Lean on friends and family

They are there for that. We have the support of our closest social circle, that of the friends and family that surround us; if we can get to need them especially at some point, this is one of them.

Talking with them about what happened, as an adult to an adult, helps to organize their ideas and stop trying not to think about certain topics, so that we can accept what happened and integrate it into our memories properly.

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8. Attend psychotherapy if necessary

In case the current situation overwhelms us, it is important to attend psychotherapy with a qualified professional expert in divorce processes and marital breakdowns.

Going to the psychologist is one of the best ways that exist to start feeling better, since in his consultation we will not only be able to express everything that we have inside and let off steam, but we will also be trained in skills and techniques for managing emotions and self-knowledge to pass page.

If you are going through these kinds of experiences, I invite you to contact me and schedule a first session; I am a General Health Psychologist and I work giving support to people of all ages. I offer face-to-face and online sessions.