Apathy in couple relationships: how to overcome it?

It is well known that, generally, couple relationships usually begin with a first phase of falling in love, which over the months gives rise to another way of experiencing that bond, calmer and not so passional. Now, this second way of living day to day together with that person should not be confused with a feeling associated with the stagnation of the relationship: apathy.

In this article we will talk about how apathy can wear down a relationship and what we can do to combat this problem.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

Has your relationship with your partner stalled due to the feeling of apathy?

Let's start by talking about the characteristics and the way in which apathy affects courtship or marriage. This psychological phenomenon is a combination of lack of motivation before any activity or project linked to a important context of life (in this case, the couple relationship), which gives rise to an attitude of passivity and disinterest.

Also, in most cases it is linked to a certain affective flattening

, which means that there is a low predisposition to experience intense emotions arising from that context of life, such as sadness, anger or happiness. In other words, when we are apathetic, it is very rare that a stimulus, idea or memory that crosses our mind is capable of making us feel significantly good or bad; for better or for worse, we always feel more or less the same.

This kind of emotional stagnation, when linked to a relationship, also produces a stagnation of the relationship: although we remain in her and we do not decide to return to singleness, from an intellectual or rational point of view we do not know how to explain (in a convincing way before us themselves) why we stay together with that person, we simply get carried away by the routine and inertia of doing what we have been doing during those months or years of courtship or marriage.

• You may be interested: "Emotional psychology: main theories of emotion"

Apathy is not the same as boredom

Although they have aspects in common, feeling apathy in a relationship is not the same as feeling bored in it. Boredom is a more circumstantial mental state and more dependent on the objective actions that we carry out; that is, it can be managed simply by having access to the means to engage in stimulating hobbies. In contrast, apathy does not arise from the fact that you are not performing specific actions that help make use of productive of the free time that we have, among other things because when we feel apathetic we don't have motivation. The causes of apathy are deeper and based on more abstract feelings than the experience of focusing on a task or being exposed to certain stimuli.

In general, what makes us feel apathetic is that we are not able to give meaning to what we do in our day to day, it does not seem to us that it contributes neither order nor a notion of progress to our identity; therefore, when we are bored we usually have references about what we could be doing to not feel that way (although we lack energy to start or we do not have the necessary means), but in apathy there are no such references about how to get out of that situation.

• Related article: "The 6 differences between boredom and apathy: how to tell them apart?"

What to do in the face of apathy in a courtship or marriage?

As you can guess from what we have seen so far about apathy, being an experience with causes and triggers so complex and abstract, it is very difficult to find a solution in a short time or by making superficial changes in our way of living the day a day. For this reason, as a general rule, the most effective way to approach the problem is to go to a psychologist, to couples therapy sessions, since in this way you will have support personalized and adapted to your experiences, in addition to having the possibility of expressing yourself with the support of a professional who mediates and works so that both of you can say how you feel

But leaving aside the advances that can take place through a therapy process, the general advice that we will see below can also help you.

1. Talk to your partner about what is happening to you

It's not just that the other person has a right to know how you feel about the relationship; In addition, the fact of communicating this honestly will allow you to take action in the situation without also having to face the fear that the other person finds out what is happening, something important considering that the changes that you will have to make in your routine affect both of you and will attract their attention.

• You may be interested: "The 13 rules of communication in the couple"

2. Get into the routine of keeping a personal journal

Writing about what you have been feeling on a day-to-day basis is a very good way to enhance self-awareness and learn to distinguish between feelings and emotions that usually arise in your daily life. Putting these things into words and reading about them will allow you to understand many of the logics of what you feel, and also It will make it possible for you to detect opportunities to "reconnect" with the exciting and motivating things that your relationship. In this way, you will be increasingly able to identify references about the ways in which that courtship or marriage will provide you with significant experiences for your personal development.

3. Propose new routines and projects that involve both of you

It's not about doing motivating things while you're with your partner, but about doing exciting and meaningful things that bring you together, and that they would not be the same without the other person. But many people do not go from wishes to actions; To avoid this, it is important to organize a schedule that defines the start and end of these activities (instead of detailing only the blocks of time dedicated to work and obligations of home).

4. Instead of just talking, talk

We understand each other through meaningful conversations about your concerns, your fears, what excites you, etc. Avoid falling into the mistake of assuming that you already know the other person; In the same way that you change over time, the same happens with your partner, but if you do not communicate well, these transformations can go unnoticed in the short or medium term.

Do you want to have psychological support for couple problems?

If you are interested in having professional psychological help in the form of individualized sessions or couples therapy, contact me. My name is Thomas Saint Cecilia and I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral intervention model; I can assist you either in person at my consultation located in Madrid or through the online mode by video call.