What is Jealousy really and why does it hurt so much?

As you will have seen, one of the most heartbreaking, unpleasant and painful feelings that can be experienced when you have a partner is, without a doubt, jealousy. Jealousy is another great misunderstood of our emotional range.

This misunderstanding is what makes us turn that feeling every time it appears, due to the slightest circumstance, into something truly great.

Finding out where they come from will allow you to live them in a much calmer way and with a really useful perspective for you.

• Related article: "The types of jealousy and its different characteristics"

Understanding the reason for jealousy in the couple

Jealousy is a emotional reaction that appears when you perceive a threat to something you consider your own.

Therefore, a logical deduction, based on your rational perception, is: "I am feeling this so unpleasantly because my partner is acting in a way that undermines our relationship and I am feeling this jealousy for his acts. Before I acted like that, I didn't feel them, therefore, my partner is guilty of what I feel."

This is a total base error! What I mean by this? Our senses and, somehow, the reasoning by which another is guilty of what I feel, can have some logic based on what we perceive, but none if you have a bit more understanding of how you work; We develop this in the complete series of 7 books Open your eyes.

The fact that your partner is responsible for the jealousy you feel is far from corresponding to reality.

For starters, guilt is only real in court. It is a human invention, like so many others that, used unproductively, create painful and confusing results. Guilt does not exist, there is responsibility.

Everything you do in your life bears your mark; therefore, such actions always have consequences, and Being aware that you are responsible for them is essential for you to position yourself in a state of power and reality. That is, if you have responsibility for what has happened and it has been as you expected it to be, fantastic! If not, great too, because you understand that you have the power to do and take different measures to have a different result.

• You may be interested in: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

The feeling of being a victim

It is very common on an emotional level and in relationships to blame and blame the partner for the pain and feelings that one is experiencing. However, it doesn't work like that.

The machine that generates your feelings... who is inside? The generator of emotions of your partner, within who is it?

When you catch this you have no choice but to free yourself from the feeling of victim; that weakness that you create when you think that your partner is the one that makes you feel the way you feel. By walking this wonderful and liberating path, you naturally position yourself in a state of true power, tranquility and independence. You give value to the relationship you are creating, living it in a much more real and loving way.

Suddenly, a totally unconscious relationship based on the feeling "I am not responsible, make me happy" evolves to the level of "I am responsible for my happiness, you are responsible for yours".

What to do to deal with jealousy?

The position of doing the necessary work together and sharing what we each carry is a different approach, neither better nor worse, but it creates very different results. Understanding the source of jealousy, most are surprised when they feel it.

I'll explain it very simply: jealousy originates in our most tender childhood, usually created with your siblings when you were unconsciously fighting for the love of your mom and dad. If you didn't have them, maybe that unconscious struggle was planted at some point in which you were equally fighting with your dad or your mom for the love of the other.

We are seeing it in a general plan, but totally practical for you. An example that I like to use a lot to take this broader perspective is the following: Imagine that you squeeze an orange, what comes out of the orange? Juice, but what juice? Orange, of course. This is how existence puts you under pressure. It is as if life metaphorically squeezed you in each more or less intense situation, and made what is there come out of you. Therefore, If life presses and squeezes you, what comes out of you is what is inside.

In this extremely simple analogy, you are placed in a tremendously real and broad context: the how the feelings and emotions that you experience every day work in the field of relationships and outside of he. More than 90% of the feelings and emotions that you live today have nothing to do with what you are experiencing now, they are neural associations that come from a long time ago.

If you are in a relationship and you have felt jealousy, when you calm down you can question things like following: How is it possible that you have felt all this pain for a simple look, a message, a greeting to another person? On a superficial level, obviously, it doesn't make any sense. On a deep level it is mathematical and is totally associated with an exact reality.

That is why you can observe the enormous intensity that jealousy has. Because when you feel what comes out of you, that heartbreaking feeling you don't feel for the other, it's not for His love or affection shows you the same feeling as when you were little and you longed for the love of your parents. That's the reason why now you feel jealous with such intensity, many times for the reasons, apparently, less logical.

Jealousy has nothing to do with your partner. This only reflects what's in you so you can attend to it, experience it, and heal it to free yourself.