How to teach a child not to lie?

All children lie. They don't always do it, of course, but on more than one occasion in their early childhood they will say something that is not true or try to blame someone else for something bad they have done.

It is not uncommon for children at the age of six or seven to say phrases such as "I have not been", "there will be my little brother painted the wall” or “yes, I ate the sandwich at recess” when they know they are lying.

Honesty is a value that all parents try to instill in their children, and that is why many wonder how to teach a child not to lie. We will give the answer below.

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What to do to teach a child not to lie?

Lying is a common behavior in childhood. All children lie from time to time, either in a very innocent way, without being aware of it, or simply because they want to hide something wrong that they have done. There are even children who have fun lying, trying to confuse other children and even adults.

simply for the satisfaction of deceiving others. Obviously, this last case is not usually very common, but of course the lie can seem somewhat playful to them.

Whatever the reason why a child lies, if it becomes a very common behavior, it can lead to problems on a social level. A child who lies all the time can become the least trustworthy child in his class, leaving him with no friends because his classmates are afraid that he will cheat and hurt them. No matter how innocent a lie may be, if abused, it can become a tool that undermines the confidence of those around us.

Although the consequences may not be as serious, it is clear that lying is not a good thing. In fact, in most societies this act is considered immoral. This is why all parents want to instill in their children the values ​​of honesty and sincerity.

However, it is not possible to teach these values ​​without acting as a model. Young children are easily influenced, both good and bad, and their parents, older siblings, and other children at school serve as role models. If many lies are told at home and at school, children will end up learning that lying is okay or, at least, that it is legitimate to do it sometimes.

Why do children lie?

There are many reasons that push a child to lie. It is true that there are those who tell lies for the simple fact of having fun, deceiving their parents and classmates to make them behave in the desired way, or to confuse them. However, this is usually not the norm, and there are usually other reasons.

As we have commented, the adults and other peers with whom children have contact exert a significant influence on their behavior. If the child sees that adults lie constantly, they will not see lying as something ethically questionable, but rather as one more legitimate behavior. This is why he will not have so many personal restrictions when it comes to hiding or misrepresenting the truth.

Another reason why a child may lie, especially to other little ones, is that he needs to feel accepted.. It may be due to a great lack of self-esteem, causing the child, who does not trust himself, is pushed to exaggerate his abilities or say things about him that are not true. For example, it may be that a child feels inferior compared to the rest of his classmates because he does not have a dog and, because he wants to be accepted, he lies saying that he does have one.

Children also lie to adults, but the reason is quite different. In this case, they usually lie to hide something wrong they have done or think is wrong. Here, too, there is a lack of self-esteem, but also trust towards adults, fear of severe punishment and parents. The child may feel so insecure that he doesn't know if what he is doing is right enough and, as they are afraid that, even having done well, their parents will see it as a bad thing, they prefer to keep quiet or lie.

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How to stop the lies?

One thing to keep in mind is that age is an important factor when considering lying in children. Up to the age of six, children have a lot of trouble differentiating between reality and fantasy.. For this reason, it is advisable to start working from that age, since you cannot teach her not to lie without being aware that she is doing so.

To teach a child not to lie, the first thing to do is to know the reason why she has done it. As we have seen in the previous section, there are various reasons that push a child not to tell us the truth. We cannot instill in them honesty and sincerity without understanding why they have done it, since simply telling them “it is wrong to lie” is an empty lesson. We must focus on the reason why he is lying, not on the lie itself, nor take it personally.

If the reason he lies to us is because he is afraid of our reaction, it is possible that the problem is in our way of educating. Parents that are too severe and harsh, far from fostering a strong and resistant character in their offspring, what they do is make it very insecure. He is afraid to tell the truth for fear of being punished and therefore he prefers to lie. He lies, but he feels really bad, and he's afraid he'll feel worse.

The problem here is quite deep, since lying is a symptom that the educational style we are using is not the most appropriate. The idea is not that we tolerate lies or misconduct, but of course the most appropriate thing is to lower the degree of severity. If he does something bad, he should receive a penalty, but let's not abuse it or ignore that there are many good things that the child does.

If it is due to a lack of self-esteem, either because he feels intimidated or inferiorized by how his peers are or because of a problem at home, it is necessary to see a psychologist. It's not that parents can't help their child to have a better self-esteem, in fact, they can do it by highlighting her strengths and helping her overcome his weaknesses. However, with the guidance of the child psychologist we will be able to improve the child's self-esteem with techniques with scientific evidence.

When it is discovered that the child has lied, It is very important not to accuse him of being a liar, not even in an affectionate or joking tone.. Nor should he be ridiculed or react abruptly and angry. What should be asked, in a respectful and calm tone, is why he lied knowing that this is not right. Humiliation, ridicule and derogatory names will only make the problem worse, especially if the reason for lying is related to a lack of self-esteem.

Of course, in addition to understanding what has pushed the child to lie and trying to understand it, there is being an example for him. As we have mentioned, both parents and older siblings are important role models for the little ones, who imitate everything the older ones do. If the older ones misbehave, the little children will also misbehave. To prevent the child from seeing telling lies as legitimate behavior, it is best not to do it.

It's fundamental make them understand what are the social consequences of lying, beyond the punishments that may be. They need to understand that not being honest with others will make them mistrust them. This will make it difficult for them to have friends, and thus they will not have an adequate social network to support them. It can also encourage revenge behavior, making others see us as legitimate to lie to the person who first lied to them, giving them their own medicine.

Bibliographic references:

• Oppliger, M., Talwar, V., & Crossman, A. (2011). Predictors of children's prosocial lie-telling: Motivation, socialization variables, and moral understanding. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 110(3), 373–392. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2011.05.003
• Talwar, V., Arruda, C., & Yachison, S. (2015). The effects of punishment and appeals for honesty on children's truth-telling behavior. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 130, 209–217. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2014.09.011
• Talwar, V., & Lee, K. (2008). Social and cognitive correlates of children's lying behavior. Child development, 79(4), 866–881. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.2008.01164.x
• Xu, F., Bao, X., Fu, G., Talwar, V., & Lee, K. (2010). Lying and truth-telling in children: from concept to action. Child development, 81(2), 581–596. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.2009.01417.x