How to learn to receive and accept limits in personal relationships

One of the most common activities in psychological therapy is working with the patient on the action of setting limits in their family, partner, work, and social or friendship relationships.

Not setting limits can affect our self-esteem, self-concept and contribute to developing passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive communication styles. In the end, maintaining relationships in which there are no limits can lead to suffering, they deteriorate and can even end. abruptly, in short, they damage our interpersonal interactions and may even require the help of services psychological.

But, Have you ever been the recipient of those limits and have they been placed on you because of your inappropriate or negative behavior, attitude or words? From the moment we are born, the process of socialization and the exercise of the authority of our breeders relates us to the limits that we can have. It may be that in a more or less accurate way, with assertive communication, someone has told us what are the red lines that he does not tolerate that we can invade, its clear borders that we must not exceed or that their tastes, preferences, intentions, limitations or needs must be taken into account. account.

Factors that may appear in the limit acceptance process

On these occasions, it is good to keep in mind some aspects that can accompany this process to accept the limits imposed on us and, above all, understand the underlying emotional processes that we have to live in it. We review below some of these circumstances that may appear:

1. Avoidance of confrontation

“If I don't say anything, everything will be fine. I am a good person since I do not generate conflicts”. This trivial phrase that can be used in different ways by some people denotes an avoidance when it comes to establishing or receiving limits and request what you consider fair, and your rights and position regarding a certain topic or situation of any personal or professional. You associate defending your rights with stressing or bothering the other person, but at the cost of not positioning yourself according to your needs.

This is just one example of the metaphor of the snowball effect, since the conflict that is avoided accumulates and grows until it is bigger, uncontrollable, and one day it can explode in front of you, with unforeseeable consequences and without being able to manage it in the future because you have not put it on the table on time.

2. insecurities and fears

When a person sets a certain limit for us, it is possible that we reconsider that perhaps our behavior is not convenient and touches the foundations of our ego and personality. It may seem to us that the problem belongs to the other person or we realize that perhaps we are wrong and we should consider changes or accept more or less constructive criticism.

Facing these situations can generate nervousness, insecurity and bring to light past fears. They will influence our cognitive flexibility, vital process and personal growth to be humble and propose changes and understand that the limits that are imposed on us are correct.

• Related article: "How to overcome insecurity?"

3. Individual or group limit

As human beings we are social, we live in society and we are governed by rules that modulate our behavior, values ​​and actions. On some occasion that is unclear or less defined on a social level, we may feel individual needs and rights that are faced with the rights and freedoms that other people or groups may want to impose on us. Adjust well the individual limits and those that concern groups or social collectives in a assertiveness will help us to conveniently manage possible conflicts and live in greater harmony and I respect.

4. low level of self esteem

In the process of being imposed limits, it could happen that we doubt ourselves if our self-concept and life history are associated with a self-esteem deficient due to different personal, educational situations and parenting style received from childhood. Therefore, when receiving a limit from another person, we can understand that we do not deserve nor do we have the right in that social interaction to say anything, since we are inferior and the other person has greater power to do or say than we do.

5. Little or no assertive communication style

A key aspect when setting and receiving limits is to have a communicative style based on assertiveness, in which basically we will express our need before a demand, which does not have to be necessarily fair, made by another person. It may be that it is difficult for us or we have not directly learned to be assertive and, in this case, it is very common to develop one of the following non-assertive communication styles:

• passive communication. In a passive communication, even feeling that our rights may have been violated and transgressed, we do not have the capacity to express how we feel, communicate our opinion, thoughts and ask the other person what we want to change or what we have troubled. We shield ourselves by excusing the actions and behaviors of the other person, we position ourselves as victims, we do not act, we are passive in communication and we show a lack of self-esteem and confidence.
• aggressive communication. In this style of communication we communicate to our interlocutor how we feel, our opinion and how we think, but in an inappropriate way, even impulsive, violent and exceeding the limits of what is acceptable with the other person. Even with shouting, threats, together with criticism, irony, without empathy and without listening to more reasons, with verbal attacks, with insults and already in uncontrolled situations with violent non-verbal language and, on occasions, more extreme, even with aggression physical. The result can never be good because even if we set limits, they will be from rejection or fear of our behavior, which will make us lose trust and empathy with others.
• passive-aggressive communication. Mixture of the two previous communicative styles, from passivity and relational avoidance to responding violently and disproportionately. Another, more subtle form of aggressive communication could be to ignore or ignore cues to the other person, despising, not looking into the eye and creating situations of veiled tension without giving solutions. The relationship from violence to non-verbal language and hostility is avoided.

6. Culpability

Coupled with little assertive, passive and aggressive communication, in the end, the person does not exercise her desires or meet her needs, frequently arising powerful feelings of guilt and low levels of self-esteem. In the short term, not confronting or receiving limits and not showing our opinion or assessment can generate guilt and a poor image of ourselves.

7. Blockage when acting and making decisions

That they set limits on us can generate an inhibition of actions, in addition to the permanent doubt to decide to make decisions. This generates a worse self-concept and, by extension, lower quality personal relationships. Thinking that they can judge us or that we can be wrong will lead us to inaction.

• You may be interested in: "6 strategies for making decisions in life"

Recommendations for people who receive limits

It would be nice to be able to include some of these strategies in our repertoire of responses:

1. Modesty

It is positive to know how to receive comments and put our pride aside if criticism is constructive and allows us to learn to do better. If we are humble and reflect we can have personal growth. If you have narcissistic traits or personality, this quality will be very difficult to exercise.

2. Eager to learn

Together with the previous aspect, if we want to learn we can contribute to our personal growth, since we will be more flexible to add new behaviors.

3. Gratitude and acceptance

Closely linked to principles of Eastern philosophy and acceptance therapy, showing gratitude to whom it sets limits for us and accepting that we can receive them can help us to be better with ourselves themselves. We can receive lessons and corrections from many people, including younger people, even children.

4. self criticism

Analyze our behavior, what works and what doesn't, always wanting to improve. hold us accountable Focus on our actions, words, emotions and communication and less on blaming other people for it. Personal growth will go hand in hand with the ability to assume responsibilities.

5. Develop our social skills

If we feel uncomfortable in social interactions, we resent being set limits and we are ineffective when it comes to communicating, always you can train to gain these skills and with psychology professionals you can work your social skills and communication learning assertive strategies.

To end...

In our personal development, sooner or later, we can learn to set limits and, at other times, receive them, in addition to communicating effectively.

@proessional (2060302)

It is necessary to have less toxic relationships and assert our assertive rights. The limits are not fixed and static, they are modifiable, and what was worth at one time can change and expand or reduce those limits. With age, limits also change, as well as the way to accept and interpret them.

Therefore, how we face and accept the limits will determine higher quality relationships and satisfaction, and it will even mean a strengthening of our self-concept and an improvement in our self-esteem. Skills related to empathy, communication skills and social skills will be great allies for these situations in which people from different fields can correct or request changes in our way of relating to them, our behavior or certain actions in common. In the social game there are my limits and the social limits and, in the way in which we move with them, will be the key to our psychological quality of life.