How to deal with emotional blackmail?

It has happened to all of us to hear more than once "If you loved me, you would do it", "you will hurt me a lot if you leave me", "yes... I always do everything wrong, oh, how unfortunate I am! and other similar phrases, said by relatives, friends and couple.

If when a loved one wants us to do something we don't want but makes us feel guilty by not doing so, perhaps we are facing a case of emotional blackmail, something that we must put a stop to already.

Next we are going to understand a little more what emotional manipulators do to, thus, know how to deal with emotional blackmail.

• Related article: "The 8 types of emotions (classification and description)"

How to deal with emotional blackmail?

Emotional blackmail can be defined as the more or less subtle act of control by one person over another done in the form of psychological violence. Normally, the person who exercises this type of emotional violence is a loved one, such as a mother, a brother, a girlfriend, a husband or even trusted friends. The emotional blackmailer uses different actions to try to control the behavior of his victim, without allowing him to choose an option that benefits both of them and, if he does not listen to him, there will be consequences.

Threats, intimidation, playing the victim, or harshly criticizing the person he is trying to manipulate These are just some of the techniques used by emotional blackmailers to achieve their goals, always at the cost of the mental health and emotional stability of their victims. Fortunately, there are all kinds of strategies that allow us to deal with this type of situation.

How to detect an emotional blackmailer?

The emotional blackmailer uses all kinds of tricks to get what he wants from his victim. He tries and insists on making his victim, be it a partner, a friend or any relative, do what he or she wants, even if this puts the victim in a compromise. He leaves him no other option and, in an exercise of deep selfishness and lack of empathy, the manipulator only focuses on getting what he wants, without seeing the psychological abuse that he is inflicting.

We cannot face an emotional blackmailer without first detecting him, and below we will see some of the behaviors and situations that occur in an episode of emotional blackmail.

1. Unfair and insatiable demands

As we mentioned, emotional blackmailers often have demands that violate the needs, desires and rights of their victim. They don't care how many times the victim has satisfied her selfish demands: they are not satisfied.

2. heavy and insistent

If he wants us to do him a favor, the blackmailer won't stop insisting. He remains firm in his wishes, even if he wastes our time and health and, if we tell him that we do not think like him or she or that we don't want to do what he tells us, he will give us real war until we get tired and give in to his wishes.

If we don't obey what he tells us There are several emotional responses that he can manifest, although the majority will be disappointment and anger.. He will cry, argue, complain and do all kinds of unpleasant actions so that we are the ones who get off the donkey.

3. They twist the words

The manipulator is a specialist in twist words when you don't want to take responsibility. If we want to defend our rights and we tell him that what he asks us does not seem fair, he will assume, automatically, the role of victim" (the victims are us!) and will try to make us remember all the bad things that we have done to him It may be true what reproaches us, but it is certainly not an argument for us to violate our own rights to satisfy you.

4. Threaten with consequences

Although not always direct threats, every emotional blackmailer warns that there will be negative consequences if we do not obey him. They can exaggerate the consequences of an exaggerated decision, threatening all the pain and suffering that he will feel or that we ourselves will experience as well. He can even threaten not to speak to us out of sheer banality.

5. They underestimate the problems of others

The manipulator is not interested in his victim's problems, no matter how serious they are. As it is considered the center of the world, its problems are ahead of ours. If we try to share with her some bad drink that we are going through, she will ignore us and will try to divert attention to their supposed problems, however banal and stupid they may be. Their problems are added to ours.

6. They know our weaknesses

The blackmailer is a skilled emotional reader, he knows the weak points of his victim and puts his finger on the sore. He is not an empath but he certainly knows how to use our emotions very well, using them for his own benefit and trying to manipulate us.

He can tell us things like that we are his saviors and that if we don't listen to him, he will be condemning him to suffer a lot. He can also do the opposite, tell us that we are useless and bad people and that he expected us not to help him. Any weak point is worth to manipulate us.

7. arrogant and rigid

They always want to be right and get very upset when they are advised or contradicted: they take it as a personal attack. In their mental world they are always the ones who are right and to the minimum that someone contradicts them they interpret it as insulting their intelligence.

As a counterattack, they strive to nullify the opinion of the other or, they can even make comments to us insinuating that we are the wrong ones, for example "yes, I do everything wrong, I'm not capable of doing anything, you are the perfect one instead" even if we have only criticized him respectfully and educated.

8. They change their mood easily

Emotional Manipulators change mood extremely quickly, since they use this expression of emotions according to the context, according to their interests. In a moment they can be happy and satisfied and, in no time at all, they start crying, getting angry or yelling. If things don't go their way, they make sure to be as disruptive as possible so they can gain control of the situation.

9. they make you feel guilty

If we resist the blackmailer's demands it is very likely that he will do everything possible to make us feel guilty. He will tell us that we never help him, that we are bad people, that for one thing he asks of us we say no and other falsehoods. They are all lies because it is not the first time that he has asked us for something and, as manipulated that we are, we have fallen into his trap.

• You may be interested in: "The 6 types of social skills, and what they are for"

How to protect ourselves from this type of manipulation?

When we enter a circle of emotional blackmail, it will be very difficult for us to get out of it, but we must not give up because we can. Of course, we are going to need to be clear about things and make an effort to fall for the selfish and absurd demands of our manipulator. Only keeping a cool head and well focused In our goal of prioritizing our rights ahead of the whims of someone who claims to be a loved one, we can free ourselves from his tyrannical insistence.

Before learning how to protect ourselves from emotional blackmail, we must be clear that the person who normally exercises he does it because he is afraid of missing out on us which, ironically, is spoiling the relationship. Emotional manipulation usually hides fear of abandonment, an expression of personal insecurity and low self-confidence. Bearing this in mind, we should not soften: no matter how bad it has been, this does not justify the damage it is doing to us.

We must avoid blaming ourselves, since it is the main weapon of the manipulator. The emotional blackmailer makes us feel guilty in order to exploit our weaknesses and get what he wants. It is somewhat understandable that we feel guilty for not fulfilling your wishes, but before we Give it more thought, we should reflect: if we satisfy their demands, are we violating our rights? Is what he asks for unjustified? If the answer to this is yes, then we have no reason to feel bad for ignoring it.

Another way to deal with it is to focus attention on the manipulator.. It may seem counterproductive and, in fact, it gives the impression that we are falling for their blackmail, but it is the ideal weapon to turn the situation against them. Listening to what he asks of us and, little by little, shifting the focus of attention towards him, we can make him reflect on how fair his demands are. If he understands that it is happening, it is likely that he will reconsider and leave us alone.

We can use time to our advantage when the emotional blackmailer makes unreasonable requests of us. It is common for us to ask for an immediate commitment because he knows that if we reflect with a cold mind and with time, we will not give in to his request. That is why a good strategy is to disconcert him by saying that we will think about it. Let's take our time to weigh the pros and cons and, if we can, trust him to forget about his absurd request.

It is essential to learn is to be assertive and acquire the healthy ability to clearly say “No”. One of our fundamental rights is to put ourselves before others, as long as that does not imply harming them. If you ask us for something and we don't want to do it, saying politely, kindly but clearly "No" is the best way. Naturally, at first he will do to us everything an emotional blackmailer does in this situation. but, if we repeat it to him on other occasions, there will be a moment when he will get tired and we will stop being his victim.

Finally, if he is one of those who threatens us with "don't do it yourself, face the consequences" we are going to disconcert him by telling him that we expect them. We must show him that we are not afraid of what might happen and that, if something has to happen, as long as it is not terribly serious, let it happen and that's it.

Also, if he insists on the supposed negative consequences of not obeying him, it is enough to ask him what those consequences are. On many occasions they don't even know it themselves and, when we put them against a rock and a hard place, they see that they have lost their power.

Summary

Emotional blackmail, however slight, is psychological abuse. We should not do it nor should we tolerate it being done to us. If our partner, friends or relatives ask us for things that, if we don't want to do them, make us feel guilty, they threaten us with supposedly terrible consequences or highlight the bad things we have done other times they are doing to us damage. We are victims of psychological abuse that we must put an end to.

It is through the different strategies that we have discussed that we can break the vicious circle of emotional blackmail. With determination, having things clear and knowing how to say "no" we can make the person who she has insistently told us about her problems and has ignored ours she realizes how abusive she has been been. Others, unfortunately, will never realize it, either because they have a mental disorder that prevents them from doing so or because they really are bad people. In that case, the best thing to do is to break the relationship and save yourself from its toxic influence.

Bibliographic references:

• DeGue, S. and DiLillo, D. (2005). "You would if you loved me": Toward an improved conceptual and etiological understanding of nonphysical male sexual coercion. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 10, 513-532.
• Muñoz-Rivas, M.J., Graña, J.L., O'Leary, K.D., and González, P. (2007). Physical and psychological aggression in dating relationships in Spanish university students. Psychothema, 19, 102-107.