Addictive bonding, a behavioral addiction

What does it mean to be in an addictive bond? Why do we stay stuck in a relationship that destroys us?

It is clear that there are as many relationships between couples as there are people, and that the word "love" has a different connotation for each one. of us, depending on our childhood attachment, our upbringing, and the experiences we have had since we were children. But in general, the fact hold a bond that hurts us, staying attached to an unrequited love, continuing tied to ex-partners with whom we live horrible relationships, are what we currently call behavioral addictions.

In them, as in an addiction to a substance, we cannot stop doing what, despite being aware that later they will bring us suffering, it also generates a certain joy in repeating these words over and over again. behaviors.

• Related article: "The 14 most important types of addictions"

Addictive Links Features

In an addiction, regardless of its class, what we get stuck to is that first experience of pleasure, even if we never find it again

. In the particular case of behavioral addictions associated with a bond, we seek to revive the enjoyment of the first meeting.

With advances in science, we now know that the same areas of the brain are activated in the different types of addictions. Where behavioral addictions differ from other addictions, such as cocaine addiction, is that They do not imply a problematic use of any substance, but it has to do with addiction to habits. To habits that are beyond the control of the person, being very harmful.

This means that these habits may not be harmful in themselves, but are harmful to the person, due to the type of relationship that the person establishes with him.

The tendency to obsession

Likewise, another of the characteristics of behavioral addictions is obsession. This appears as an intrusive thought, which settles in our mind without letting us think about anything else and without being able to avoid it. The relationship and the other become the total and complete focus for the person. The need and the fear to lose the other is so, so intense, that all our energy is focused there.

• You may be interested in: "This is how intrusive thoughts give way to anxiety"

The tolerance

Likewise, in substance-associated addictions we find the phenomenon of tolerance, that is, more and more of the substance is necessary each time to obtain the desired effect. In behavioral addictions, tolerance implies that one he begins to accept things that at first seemed unacceptable; we are increasingly pushing the limit of what is allowed, even going beyond our own values. This causes us enormous pain.

Discomfort with withdrawal

Another characteristic that different types of addictions share is withdrawal. In the case of behavioral addictions, withdrawal has to do with the absence of that person (either because of an actual breakup or just the idea of ​​it). This causes the person to panic, generating a lot of distress. This is evident in those moments in which the person becomes aware that this relationship hurts him, and tries to end it, but the anguish is so great that the person gives up, and constantly returns to this relationship, enduring things that he would never have imagined, even losing his dignity.

The control

The last characteristic that different addictions share is control. The person tries to control both the relationship and the other person. But... What are you trying to control? What is trying to control is that the other does not abandon us. The person permanently feels anguish and anxiety, because he perceives all the time that the relationship is being threatened.

What can we do?

Now... What is it that makes someone find themselves going through a behavioral addiction? This, obviously, has nothing to do with the other, but with the person's own history; it has to do with helplessness, with fears, with insecure attachments, with different ideas of love, with insecurities and with primary abandonment.

But since it has to do with your own story, can be worked, modified and resignified. This is worth it because we all deserve good love, the kind that makes us happy most of the time, that of course has conflicts, but that brings out the best in us.