Why do toxic or dependent couple relationships repeat themselves?

People with certain patterns of behavior tend to replicate such behaviors in various versions.. Perhaps one of the most common is the tendency to choose a partner in a certain way.

In the course of therapeutic consultations, certain levels of consciousness in such repetitions are registered in the patient's speech; the person does not know how to get out of this vicious circle, generating an insistent detour in their attempts to change the other person.

The fundamental key is found in the individuality of each one and the permission to review the life history, beliefs, mandates and upbringing that have given rise to such conduct.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

Why does this unconsciously search for the repetition of such links happen?

These tendencies to repeat the way of choosing relationships as a couple have a start in parenting that has been received from parents or educators, with certain characteristics that in adult life should be reviewed in order to cut such repetition.

Behavior patterns have their origin in childhood, the space where the psychic structure is built and, from there, the way of perceiving the world. All learning is generated by observation and repetition, copying the environment with which we grow. Such learning is incorporated by action or by communication with the referents that one has in those early years, a task that is generally carried out by mothers and fathers.

Thus, if such referents manifest themselves in certain situations or ties with anger, fights, inappropriate language... that will be the way the child is likely to replicate when starting secondary socialization, managing a conflict or their emotions as they learned from those models and referents, making their first repetitions in sharing with their peers.

Sometimes, these behaviors of the children can generate in the parents a possible reconsideration of their own way of behaving, and from that observation in the child, your child begins to consider how to change the dynamics of reactions in the family.

If the parents do not ask themselves a key question about their way of relating to generate a change, that child will continue to repeat throughout his life linking such repetitive patterns.

• You may be interested in: "Emotional dependence: the pathological addiction to your sentimental partner"

Let's see some example

If the relationship he established with her mother is to protect her when he sees her distressed, this is probably beneficial in adult bonding life. If the child interpreted fears or feelings of abandonment in relation to his parentss, this will also be repeated in bonding relationships with certain behaviors towards the member of the bond.

In this way, it will be important to review the life history in order to decide what to take from that history to continue and what things to get rid of in adulthood.

There are chapters within the history of each one that may not be liked or could cause psychological trauma, from here the work of elaborating such damages, accepting that history so as not to struggle with what happened and thus being able to ask ourselves how we want to position ourselves.

Knowing that such patterns of behavior may come to an end is relieving information. Such endings must be worked and processed. The starting point is to recognize such behavior patterns in couple relationships.. Recording when the reaction is taking place is of great importance so that we bring it to consciousness, being able to immediately generate a question such as:

• What pain is generating in me such anger or such overt behavior?
• Have I observed this behavior present in me before in my life?
• Is it related to my parents' relationship?

Searching for some answers brings to consciousness a content that is unconsciously repressed and the possibility of knowing it is the first step to healing.

Couple relationships, the link where this is most frequently manifested, not being the exclusive one, are a mirror/reflection of their own unhealed childhood issues.

• Related article: "The 6 main types of toxic relationships"

To do?

So that these relationships can be healthy and grow, you must work there, establishing limits with the partner and with yourself, applying certain tools and incorporating them into daily life as a habit:

• Dialogue with assertive communication instead of making a claim.
• Do not threaten to suddenly leave the relationship in the face of any difficulty or crisis in it, being able to take time to think about the emotion that arose in such a situation.
• Try to avoid impulsive and violent reactions; these only hurt the recipient and the bond itself. Selecting the thoughts and words before being manifested is another point to take into account.
• Spend quality time and connection within the bond, with the sole objective of connecting emotionally with whoever is by your side and without giving in to distractions outside the relationship.
• Before making a complaint, take the time to think about what emotions arose in us before the action of the "other" and thus be able to put it into words without anger being so present.

Relationships with toxicity or dependency can be worked on, elaborated and healed from the origin of such behaviors. Remember that whoever is by your side is just a role in your life, he is not there to support your needs, they are yours and it is your responsibility to heal them.

Couple bonds can be very beautiful to grow, learn and build from health and well-being if you allow it.