Self-sabotage: tyrant or life adviser?

Today is a special day, the great moment to conquer that great project for which you have worked so hard. You wake up with great emotion and, although nervous, you know that you are going to make it.

Suddenly, when you serve your coffee, you throw it over yourself. Trying to clean your clothes, you bend over and hit your head against the kitchen cabinet, giving rise to a large bump. You must go up to change your clothes and heal the blow. By the time you finish it's too late. There is no way to be on time, you have missed the great opportunity. Bad luck? Chance?

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What is self-sabotage?

Self sabotage is a conscious or unconscious behavior that keeps us from success and happiness in our life. It can present itself in the form of paralyzing nerves or with behaviors that divert us from the objective that we have in a subtle way, that seems like bad luck or an invisible force that does not let us advance.

If you have experienced this situation and want to change it, you can start by being compassionate with yourself. Being compassionate is very different from feeling sorry. Being compassionate is recognizing that you are in a certain situation and that you can choose to give yourself the opportunity to live a process to learn and get out of it.

The suggestion is to be kind to yourself and have patience to find the solution..

One of the factors that makes self-sabotage difficult to overcome is that it resides in our beliefs. Our experiences make up a perception of the world, which takes advantage of self-sabotage to justify its actions.

An example

Imagine that you enroll in a public speaking course. When you get to your first class you meet classmates who have already had some training. Although they are not experts, they have enough foundations to speak fluently.

The podium imposes on you and even more so the microphone. When you finally go up, you get stuck, you stammer and this makes you even more nervous so you can't finish. An objective thought should tell you "it's logical that this happened to me, it's the first time I've done it and this is a new group of people." Far from thinking like that, you get down ashamed.

Taking advantage of the situation, your self-saboteur has taken note and created a story that will be his lethal weapon: the main theme is the ridiculous superlative you just made. Decorate the drama by emphasizing the few opportunities you have and the poor judgment you had to expose yourself to something this extreme.

As you can see, your saboteur is not generous or caring. On the contrary, he is ruthless and cruel and bases everything on exaggeration. What's going on? You decide not to return to the course and you adopt the belief that you do not know how to speak in public and that you will never be able to do it well.

That is how self-sabotage is nesting in each of our beliefs. Therefore, trying to propel our life towards success becomes challenging. Over time, a pattern is created that demotivates the possibilities of trying new things and jumping towards the success we are looking for. We begin to gravitate to demerit.

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What are the causes?

Some reasons why a person resorts to self-sabotage are:

• A difficult childhood growing up in a dysfunctional family and lacking a secure attachment.
• Low self-esteem that makes us feel vulnerable, devalues ​​our self-concept and uses excuses to confirm negative beliefs about ourselves.
• The fear of commitment that can be caused by painful situations in childhood or by the belief that we are not deserving of well-being in the long term.
• The fear of being hurt generates a shell that motivates us to give up before trying new activities.

What are the most common forms of self-sabotage?

It is common to think that sabotage is foreign to us, but surely these three ways in which it occurs may be familiar to you.

1. Postponement

It has its origin in the fear of disappointing others, of failing or, ironically, of succeeding.. For this reason, the delivery of results is postponed time and time again and success is preferred to be left for later.

• Related article: "The 3 types of procrastination, and tips to stop postponing tasks"

2. perfectionism

It is a practice to review the same project over and over again. In this way, it becomes an endless task that will always be in an endless cycle of continuous improvement. Over time, this condition leads to a feeling of shame and depression, feeling that those who trusted in our ability were disappointed.

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3. substance intake

Adverse feelings of self-sabotage invite people to consume alcohol, drugs or medications that momentarily give them a false feeling of well-being.

What can you do then?

Keep these guidelines in mind.

1. Identify if our self-sabotage is conscious or unconscious.

You do this by listening to your thoughts. What do you tell yourself? Also through an analysis of your beliefs. When you get involved in a new activity, how do you perceive yourself? What do you think of your mistakes or failing in the process? How do you perceive failure?

2. A more complicated process to identify is the fear of happiness.

This point encompasses many conscious and unconscious factors, so sometimes the support of a therapist is advisable. With their support you will find the way to overcome to detonate the conditions and boost your life to success. The self-sabotage of your happiness can be the consequence of a significant loss, deep pain or even some traumatic experience. Treating any of these causes will make a significant difference in your life.

3. Analyze if we live elements such as boredom or we find ourselves submerged in toxic relationships

Both can be symptoms of sabotage that seek to stimulate a feeling of numbness to anesthetize pain and distract attention from discomfort.

4. Identify patterns in your life

Through discovering repetitive behaviors that stop your growth, you can define a personal improvement program.

5. set realistic goals

These should be goals that allow you see where you want to go and be realistic in the steps to take to reach that great goal. Patience and objectivity are key to acknowledging that you are moving towards it but that getting there takes time, effort and probably making mistakes and trying again.

In conclusion

Be compassionate with yourself. We can all be standing on a sabotage ground.

To identify where you are, there is a powerful question you can ask yourself. What is stopping me from taking action to make my dreams come true? Be honest in answering this question and you will find the root causes.

You have the power of choice to move forward in your life. Embrace determination and self-acceptance as the best antidotes to self-sabotage. At the end of the day, you are already on the great and precious journey of life. Isn't it better to enjoy it and go far?