Marital therapy: assertiveness to live happily as a couple

On certain occasions, some couples who initially seemed to get along and understand each other in most situations, Over time, they can become a nucleus full of conflicts and constant discussions..

In some cases, these expressed differences are insurmountable, but in a considerable percentage the origin of the issue may be derived from a lack of interpersonal skills or social.

One of the components that make up the psychological interventions based on the Social Skills Training and one of the most used to the Marital Therapies of cognitive-behavioral stream is the Learning of Assertive Behavior.

The role of assertiveness

Within the field of psychological intervention, the terms assertive behavior and behavior based on social skills can be understood as analogous.

So, Assertive behavior is defined as that ability that allows the person to manifest and communicate freely, have an active orientation and attitude in life and act by valuing actions in a respectable way (Fensterheim & Baer, ​​2008). Méndez, Olivares and Ros (2008), propose the following classification of social skills from the list of previous behaviors: opinions, feelings, requests, conversations and rights. Training in non-verbal aspects such as tone of voice, eye contact, body and facial expression is also important.

Assertiveness and self-esteem

Assertiveness maintains a close relationship with the self esteem concept, since everything that an individual does is reflected in the idea that he develops about himself (selfconcept).

Therefore, a positive correlation can be established between these two phenomena: as the expression of assertiveness increases, the level of self-esteem also increases, and vice versa. There are numerous investigations that affirm that An adequate level of self-esteem is essential to favor the establishment of relationships satisfactory interpersonal

Assertive, non-assertive and aggressive behaviors

A relevant aspect that must be previously addressed about the concept of assertiveness is to determine the difference between assertive, non-assertive and aggressive behaviors. Unlike the first:

• Non-assertive conduct is defined as insecure behavior where the person does not firmly defend their own ideas, which usually causes them emotional discomfort and a negative self-esteem when facing certain situations.

• Aggressive behavior refers to the expression of hostility and excessive harshness general as a form of psychological organization of the individual in such a way that pain is intentionally caused to others in order to achieve their own objectives.

Which components include the interventions in marital problems with greater empirical support?

At the level of conjugal psychological intervention, among the techniques that have most demonstrated their effectiveness (based on studies carried out with population samples with deficits in interpersonal relationships) are Cognitive Therapy (TC) and Social Skills Training, whose central element falls on Assertiveness Training (Holpe, Hoyt & Heinberg, 1995). In fact, Chambless's 1998 studies show how cognitive-behavioral intervention is one of the empirically validated treatments for couples therapy.

For its part, Cognitive Therapy tries to modify the negative cognitive schemes on which the subject bases the concept he has of himself. Because this phenomenon is positively and bidirectionally correlated with expressed negativity, the more one increases, the more the other does. Thus, the final objective of CT will be the modification of these pessimistic beliefs that guide the cognitive-behavioral dynamics that condition the normal functioning of the person.

In reference to Behavioral Therapy, the most effective and widespread intervention within the clinical context is Social Skills Training, where the subject learns from the imitation of appropriate and socially more adaptive behavior models.

Elements of this type of therapy

Fensterheim and Baer (2008) state that an Assertiveness Training program must include the following elements:

1. Plan for establishing objectives and goals to be achieved.

2. Training in emotional communication.

3. Assertive behavior test in a safe context.

4. Behavioral exercises of assertive practice in the real context.

Once the initial analysis of the concrete relationship dynamics, the problematic behaviors and the antecedents and Consequent of said behaviors, the first point that must be worked on is the establishment of objectives and goals to be achieved in the intervention. From that moment, the part more closely related to learning assertive behavior begins (elements 2, 3 and 4 previously exposed).

Marital interventions: what do they consist of?

A considerable number of problems in couple relationships are caused by learning deficits in individual development throughout the subject's life. The lack of acquisition of Social Skills during personal development makes these individuals cannot express in adult life what they have not integrated in the first years of life. The Behavioral Therapy approach advocates the idea that people achieve intimacy because they have learned how to achieve it.

The achievement of intimacy is one of the final objectives in the treatment of marital problems., where Assertive Learning plays one of the main roles as an effective therapeutic strategy, as Fensterheim and Baer (2008) point out.

1. Enhance intimacy

To achieve intimacy between the members of the couple, the main therapeutic indications and basic milestones are oriented towards:

1. Help each spouse identify the specific behaviors needed to improve the overall marriage relationship.

2. Help modify these behaviors by replacing them with more adaptive ones.

3. Demonstrate to each member that the change in each one of them is a necessary condition to generate the change in the other member.

4. Help in the development of verbal and non-verbal communication between the members of the couple.

5. Help in the process of establishing feasible short-term goals in the field of emotional communication.

On the other hand, the following observations must also be taken into account:

• You should not blame your spouse for all problems, but that failure in couple relationships is a shared responsibility.

• It is recommended not to abandon one's own identity. Despite the fact that both members form a matrimonial nucleus, there are individual plots that are not fully shared

• Related to the previous point, it is important not to invade the other's space and respect her privacy in certain aspects.

• An excess of independence can lead to a distancing between both members of the couple. The marital relationship is by nature reciprocal and mutually interdependent, therefore, the behavior of one of the spouses inevitably affects the other and also the relationship itself.

2. Assertiveness Training

More specifically, and according to Fensterheim and Baer (2008), the components most usually addressed in Assertiveness Training within couple relationships, correspond to the following:

• General plan for problem behavior modification: whose purpose is to identify behaviors that generate conflicts between spouses. It is essential to know which are the behaviors that each of the members of the couple dislike in order to be able to modify them and replace them with more adaptive ones.

• marriage contract: agreement based on a document from which both spouses agree to comply with it and to exercise the consequences that may arise.

• assertive emotional communication: adopt a new form of open and sincere communication where both feelings and thoughts are expressed and shared. This point is essential to prevent the emergence of misunderstandings and erroneous subjective interpretations about situations that end up becoming conflictive. Likewise, some indications are also worked on to learn a more appropriate way of holding a discussion. with the other, in which points of view can be approached and manage to solve the conflict instead of aggravating it even further further.

• assertive decision making: this component aims to influence the perception of one of the members of the couple about the belief that it is the other spouse who makes most of the decisions, so that one may feel excluded and despised. With these indications, it is intended to renegotiate and distribute in a more equitable and satisfactory way the percentage of decisions that involve the marital nucleus.

3. The Behavioral Test Technique

This is the central technique of Assertiveness Training, and its purpose is for the person to learn new behavioral skills, being very useful in the practice of social situations. Specifically, it consists of reproducing a safe environment, such as the therapist's office (where it is possible to manipulate these scenes), in which one works on situations natural daily activities of the person so that they can evaluate their problematic behaviors without suffering the negative consequences that could occur in their context real.

In addition, it is achieved that the person decreases the anxiety level when performing a certain behavior. At first, the performances that are proposed are highly scheduled, later they are semi-directed and, finally, they are totally spontaneous and improvised.

4. Behavior Modification

The techniques based on operant conditioning were the first used in the field of Behavior Modification.. It is called operant or instrumental learning because behavior is used as a means to obtain a desired consequence. The fundamental premise is the so-called Law of Effect proposed by Thorndike (one of the most important learning theorists), which argues that if a behavior is followed by a positive effect, the probability of performing the behavior in the future will be increased.

One of the main focuses of action of Assertive Behavior Training within the couple consists of the ability to request a change in behavior in the other member of the couple. Thus, it is essential to pay attention to the behaviors that we want to strengthen/weaken in the other. For this purpose it is highly relevant to understand and take into account the procedures of Instrumental Conditioning.

More specifically, in the intervention in pairs, a new dynamic will be established in which those who desired and adaptive behaviors so that they tend to be repeated in the future, while those considered unpleasant will be penalized in order to achieve their gradual removal.

In conclusion

In the text it has been observed that the interventions proposed in the treatment of couple problems include both cognitive and behavioral components. So, modifying underlying motivating beliefs of outwardly observable problem behaviors it is a necessary prerequisite to be addressed by both parties.

In the most behavioral part, the Theories of Instrumental Learning and the Conduct Test allow to acquire and strengthen those adaptive behaviors that are most beneficial for the relationship between both members of the couple.

Bibliographic references:

• Baron, R. TO. iByrne, D. (2004) Social Psychology. Pearson: Madrid.
• Fertensheim, H. IBaer, ​​J. (2008) Don't say yes when you want to say no. Out of pocket: Barcelona.
• Labrador, f. J. (2008). Behavior modification techniques. Madrid: Pyramid.
• Olivares, J. And Mendez, F. X (2008). Behavior modification techniques. Madrid: New Library.