Raquel Nava: «Saying yes when we want to say no, has a cost»

Personal relationships have great potential to offer us good things, both in terms of material support and in terms of emotional support. However, they also expose us to certain challenges and problems that we must face in order not to give rise to asymmetries; That is why it is important to be able to defend our interests, set limits and enforce them when appropriate.

This principle is also applied in the field of psychotherapy, where people are helped to develop assertiveness and to promote self-knowledge to connect with one's own values ​​and interests without being carried away by pressure external. That's why, In this interview with the psychologist Raquel Nava we will talk about the art of setting limits in relationships.

• Related article: "What is social psychology?"

Interview with Raquel Nava: the need to establish limits in our relationships

Raquel Nava is a General Health Psychologist specializing in adult care, and she started offering online therapy. In this interview he talks to us about the importance of knowing how to set limits in the personal relationships we maintain.

What are the most frequent problems that appear when we don't know how to say no?

Saying yes when we really want to say no, has a cost, and sometimes it is too high a price, some of the consequences that we can experience are, resentment, and frustration both towards others and with oneself, it can also appear anxiety, depression, ruminative thoughts, disappointment, feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, excessive internal criticism, outbursts of anger...

On many occasions, the absence of limits also negatively influences the relationship, and can even be the cause of the rupture of the same, be it friendship, family or couple, we can get to avoid that person.

One thing to keep in mind is that when we talk about limits we also talk about limits with ourselves; Excessive demands, very high expectations, always wanting to please others, also have their consequences and we must be aware of them and start to slow us down, knowing when I can't get to everything, when I have to delegate or when I can't help that family member or friend... Saying no to myself is also important.

Do boundary-lacking relationships often lead to power imbalances?

Limits are the foundations on which to build healthy relationships, it is very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with another person if there is no communication, if we do not say what we like or dislike, what seems good to us and what seems bad to us.

The most probable thing in this type of relationship is that one of the parties is the one that establishes the "rules of the game" is say their own limits and the other person will simply have to follow her rules, producing a clear imbalance.

On many occasions the other party may not be aware of this imbalance, due to a lack of communication. What usually happens in this type of relationship is that there comes a time when we overflow, for having put aside our tastes, hobbies, interests... because of the other person, we get tired of putting up with it and we explode, this usually catches others off guard because we had never communicated our discontent. While, at other times, the other person may be aware of our inability to set limits and take advantage of it, it is something that can be observed when we begin to set limits, who is still by our side and who it goes.

Is it common for people who do not have a special predisposition to fear rejection or "what will they think of me" do not set limits in their relationships simply by sheer inertia, by not thinking about it or by underestimating the harmful effects that this can have?

There is no single reason why we are unable or hard to say no or set limits, all It depends on each person, on their experiences, their experiences, their learning and their way of relating to others. the rest.

It is true that, as you say, one of the reasons for not setting limits usually comes from not being aware of their importance. We tend to hide behind "it's not a big deal", "it wasn't that important", "totally, nothing happens", completely ignoring our emotions and discomfort, and actually it is. for that matter, it is important and it does happen, because a drop falling on a stone has no consequences, but drop, after drop, after drop, the stone can reach break.

Other reasons why it is difficult for us to set limits, apart from the fear of rejection, criticism and ignorance of the consequences:

• Believing that we will not be able to manage emotions and the situation derived from setting a limit.
• Our education, and how our parents or reference figures managed these situations, in the end they act as a model in our learning.
• Beliefs such as: saying that it is not selfish, or measuring your worth based on the help you give.
• Imagine the worst scenarios.
• Self esteem problems.
• Fear of being cruel, of being borderline, of conflict.
• Or just not knowing how to start communicating your limits.

What are the main aspects of assertive communication to be able to say what we think should be said in a conversation?

The assertive communication part of the premise of respect, respect the rights, limits and opinions of others but also their own. Starting from that, one of the main aspects of assertive communication is good emotional management, understanding our emotions and listening to them is usually the basis for being able to have a healthy relationship with ourselves and with others, when we ignore the signs of our emotions and our body, when we are not aware of our discomfort, we are more likely to ignore behaviors of others people who hurt us.

Emotions are not our enemies and they always come with the intention of communicating something to us, perhaps that anger that you feel is telling you that you should not tolerate that behavior, therefore, we must listen to that emotion, understand what it means to us, know if it is appropriate to the situation we are in. living and once the emotion has been managed to communicate our discomfort, it is important to do it when we are calmer, without attacking the other person and without reproaches.

We will communicate our discomfort in a neutral way, describing the behavior and not the person, and always expressing ourselves in the first person, how I have felt. sense, that I have thought, and finally say that you would like it to happen on another occasion, doing all this without good emotional management is tremendously complicated.

As a psychologist, what do you think are the best strategies to help people who have trouble setting limits in their relationships with loved ones?

Now that Christmas is approaching, and it is a time to get together with family and friends, it may be a good time to start setting limits, it is very helpful to do the following exercise:

We must start by making ourselves aware of our limits, our red lines, for this we can make two lists in one we will put those attitudes, comments or situations that things can be negotiated and in the other those that are non-negotiable.

Once this is done and to practice we take one of the situations on the list, it is better to start with the one that is easiest works for us, and we write how we would communicate it: I want that..., I would like... I hope that... Try not to justify yourself too much. Next, think about how you would like to say it to him, by text, by call, face to face, where and when (now or when it happens again).

Once here we reread the way in which we are going to communicate the limit, if it is assertive, it is not attacking, we already have it! If not, we can reformulate it.

Communicate when, where and in the way that makes you feel most comfortable. It is important to note that it is likely that after communicating it, some discomfort or even fears, have prepared some activities that make you feel good, take a walk, draw, write…

If you see that it is difficult for you, that this problem is interfering with your daily life, that you are not able to manage the discomfort or that you do not know how to do it, seek help from a professional.