"The Human Magnet Syndrome": a book about dysfunctional attraction

Many times we tend to assume that, in love relationships, the rational and objective calculation of costs and benefits has a very important role. That, while it is true that love is meaningless without emotions, there is always the ability to take control of the situation and act according to what is healthiest for us.

Certainly in many cases this is something that is generally true, but it is very important to note that this is not always the case. Many people get totally involved in dysfunctional love relationships from which they cannot get out and whose disadvantages and obvious negative aspects are not able to perceive. In fact, the propensity to fall into this type of harmful relational dynamics is regulated, to a large extent, by the personality style of each one.

"The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love Those Who Hurt Us", by Ross Rosenberg, is a book that explains precisely why why the fact of feeling pain for a love relationship does not always lead to a departure or a break, and in what way, despite the fact that the context and cultural environment influences, the fit between two specific types of personality can fuel the appearance of these issues.

• Related article: "The 6 Theories of Interpersonal Attraction"

Interview with Ross Rosenberg, psychotherapist, writer and speaker

Ross Rosenberg is known to thousands of people, both for his videos posted on YouTube (a platform on which he has more than 75,000 subscribers) and for his book "The Human Magnet Syndrome”. The latter is a work that has already sold more than 65,000 copies and has been translated into several languages, including Spanish.

On this occasion we interviewed this interesting author to explain more about the book, the ideas that he exposes about love and related psychological phenomena, such as loneliness and personality.

Much is said in the book about the bond that tends to hold pathological narcissists and codependents together. How would you summarize the way of being of each of these two profiles?

Codependency is both a relationship and an individual condition that can only be resolved by the codependent themselves. Many codependents are attracted to and maintain long-term, break-resistant relationships with pathological narcissists. Most codependents are considerate and respectful of the needs and desires of others, above their own. They are pathologically kind, responsible and self-sacrificing people, whose altruism and good deeds are rarely rewarded.

While some codependents resign themselves to this seemingly permanent role, others try to change it, albeit without success. These people focus on opportunities to avoid, change, and/or control their narcissistic partners. Despite the inequality in their relationships and the consequent suffering, they do not end them. Codependency is not just limited to romantic partners as it manifests itself, to varying degrees, in most other interpersonal relationships.

Although pathological narcissism is not a new term, I use it in this book to represent a person with one of the following four disorders. Pathological narcissists are people who fit the diagnostic criteria for: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (TNP), Borderline Personality Disorder (TLP), Antisocial Personality Disorder (TAP) and/or addicts. Despite the many differences between these four disorders, they all share the characteristics of narcissistic-type personality, thinking, and emotions.

To varying degrees, all pathological narcissists are selfish, demanding, and controlling. They are exploitative people who rarely or selectively repay any type of generosity. Pathological narcissists are only empathetic or sensitive to others when doing so gives them a tangible reward and/or when it makes them feel valued, important, and appreciated. Because narcissists are deeply affected by their personal shame and loneliness, but unaware of it, they also don't end their relationships.

Although active addicts are included as one of the four pathological narcissism disorders, their narcissism may be specific to addiction. In other words, when they are sober and in recovery, their true personality type will surface, which can be any possibility.

How do pathological narcissists and codependents usually behave in therapy?

The degree of attachment trauma is predictive of the type of adult psychopathology. The child with profound attachment trauma who is deprived of a positive emotional force is likely to become an adult with one of the pathological narcissistic personality disorders (NPD, Borderline or TAP). The extreme shame that accompanies any of these disorders requires the child to emotionally dissociate, forget, and/or not think about it (attachment trauma). The memory of the trauma would be a breach of the psychological protection that the brain built for self-preservation. The way the brain defended itself against attachment trauma is going to inhibit your ability to understand, recognize, and feel bad about (empathize with) the harm done to others. Therefore, adult pathological narcissists are likely to avoid or not be good candidates for psychotherapy.

This pathological narcissist as a psychotherapy client will blame others for their problems. If they are coerced or forced to attend some form of therapy, their participation will depend on their not experiencing a narcissistic injury. In other words, they can seek and/or continue with psychotherapy, as long as they are not blamed or held responsible for the harm they cause to others, which would unconsciously activate their internal shame. For narcissists, positive results from any treatment are rare.

On the other hand, the codependent adult was that child able to make his narcissistic parent feel good about raising him, so he will have experienced a milder version of attachment trauma. His ability to adapt to his parents' pathological narcissism will make him the "trophy child" who is subject to much less psychological damage (trauma). These children will not need dissociative psychological defenses. They will become codependent adults, who will not only remember their attachment trauma, but be able to accept and deal with their own shame. This type of person is able to recognize their mistakes, feel bad for them (have empathy) and have the internal psychological resources to resolve them with the help of a psychotherapist.

Between the pages of this work, a comparison is drawn between the phenomenon of codependency and alcoholism. In what day-to-day aspects are these similarities expressed?

A basic explanation for why codependents often lack the emotional strength to end their narcissistic partners forever, is what I refer to as "addiction to codependency". Like addicts who are chemically dependent, codependents compulsively seek company of a romantic partner to extinguish the intense emotional pain that has plagued them throughout their life. When codependents first meet the narcissist, they experience limerence, a rush of intense pleasure and euphoria, immediately numbing her battle with shame and shame. loneliness. Codependents are prone to this addiction as it is their drug of choice.

Although this euphoria is indescribably pleasant at first, it cannot be sustained for long. After prolonged exposure to this "drug", a tolerance develops. From this point on, more of the drug is needed to deliver the same amount of euphoria. This parallels the moment when the relationship with the narcissist begins to shift towards one of conflict, dismay, and disappointment. Like other drug addictions, there is a transition to when the drug is no longer used. It is taken for the sheer euphoric experience, but to eliminate the pain that is felt when disappears.

Despite the mounting consequences, the "addicted" codependent is hesitant to stop taking the drug, as doing so would trigger his main withdrawal symptom: pathological loneliness. Most codependents describe this as the most painful of all emotions. The intense distress it causes, like other withdrawal symptoms, creates irrational desires to reconnect with the narcissist, his primary drug of choice. Despite the broken promises, as well as the harm and abuse endured, they willingly return to what they knew to be intolerable. If the relationship is irreconcilable or too risky to return, the codependent seeks other possible "drug sources." Therefore, for a codependent, it is necessary to address the addiction; because if it is not addressed, there is a high probability of relapse.

In summary, how is this type of dysfunctional romantic union created between these two profiles, the narcissist and the codependent?

Through the use of metaphors and analogies, my essay “Codependent Don't Dance” explains why the opposites, codependent and pathological narcissist, attract each other:

It can be said that for the "dance of codependency" to occur, the participation is needed of two people: the narcissist who takes control, and the codependent who accommodates to the partner of dance. These dancers, codependent and narcissistic, are opposites, but they are in sync and a perfect fit. The codependent is unable to emotionally disconnect from the other, and is consumed as he attends to the wishes of others, while the The selfish, egocentric and controlling part of the dance partner sees its role of dominance reinforced and tends to continue with this relational dynamic.

What is it that makes you, despite the fact that these types of dysfunctional romantic relationships (narcissistic – codependent) cause discomfort in objective terms, is so complicated that a breaking off?

In relationships based on the Human Magnet Syndrome, breakups to end are not common, due to the pathological loneliness of both parties. Because both the codependent and the pathological narcissist are burdened by their own shame, they need to be in a relationship where this shame does not arise. For the codependent, this comes in the form of conscious pathological loneliness: the primary withdrawal symptom of codependency addiction. The codependent's loneliness reminds them of their shame, which is essentially their belief that they are a fundamentally damaged person.

The narcissistic experience of pathological loneliness differs in that it does not emanate from within. Her loneliness is caused by another person, who deserves to be punished and/or manipulated in his role as caretaker, sacrificed, and invisible lover. If the relationship breaks down and both individuals have not made significant progress in mental health treatment, they will fall prey to the forces of the Human Magnet Syndrome. They will fall in love with another "dancer" who initially feels like a "soul mate" but soon becomes their "cellmate".

The Human Magnet Syndrome would describe a phenomenon by which a couple tends to stay together for reasons that escape the rational analysis of the situation that is being experienced, because of the biases. Should we strive to promote logic and rationality in relationships, or would it be better to accept that never Can we coldly analyze these affective ties and dedicate ourselves to fighting only the most harmful and destructive biases?

Logic and rational thought are no match for Human Magnet Syndrome. The cause of this is based on the hierarchical stratification of attachment trauma, the shame core, the pathological loneliness, codependency addiction, and finally the problem known as "codependency". This graph shows it.

Since attachment trauma is unconsciously stored in a part of the brain that conscious thought has no access to (the limbic system, or specifically, the amygdala), the only way to cure codependency is to access these traumatic memories and integrate them into conscious experience. With such integration, logic, education, and other rational cognitive processes are extremely important for the treatment of codependency. In fact, they are specifically listed in my 10-Stage Treatment Program for Self-Love Deficit Disorder (codependency). All stages, especially 1 - 4, require a rational analysis.

Another way to illustrate the futility of rational analysis is the concept of "codependency addiction." All addictions, especially this one, are driven by an insatiable drive and compulsion to seek out a specific "drug" that is believes that it is the answer to all problems, but predictably it is a destructive force that undermines everything the person values ​​and loves.

The book talks about the Theory of the Continuum of the Self, which acts as the theoretical and conceptual support of the Human Magnet Syndrome. However, this theory explains a phenomenon that occurs in all relationships, not just those with each other narcissistic and codependent: we are attracted to people very different from us in certain aspects. How does this interest in the opposite of us manifest itself?

As I described above, interest in "opposite" lovers is not conscious. The only element that is conscious is the feeling of chemistry, which is experienced as perfect romance and happiness. In the midst of this "true love" or "soul mate" experience, both lovers feel more similar than different. The temporary cessation of severe pathological loneliness and core shame results in emotions of intense joy and optimism (limerence), and the belief that they are perfectly matched lovers and made for each other other. Conscious thought cannot compete with the unconscious and omnipotent force of the Human Magnet Syndrome.

This unconscious interest is the matching relationship models, which are the direct result of their attachment trauma experiences, and how they each coped. The Relationship Model is an instruction manual that unconsciously guides all people, healthy or not, in their choice of romantic partners. It specifies and instructs relational behavior through patterns and roles. It also represents the unconscious processes responsible for the pairing of "opposite personalities", along with the comfort and ease of the dance partner. When these psychological and relational processes combine, lovers believe (and feel) that they have finally arrived at a sanctuary, where loneliness and core shame no longer tread their feet. heels.

According to the majority of developmentally oriented mental health professionals and psychodynamically, people tend to replicate parent-child childhood experiences in their adult relationships. Suffice it to say that childhood attachment creates an instruction manual for all future relationships. He is the director of conscious and unconscious interpersonal preferences, also known as instincts in relationships. It teaches people the various "rules" for their relationships.

The relationship model unconsciously forces you to gravitate towards an attractive and seemingly confident person. In psychodynamic terms, the emotional energy of the once traumatized inner child, which is repressed or memory blocked, drives the attraction and courtship process. The "traumatized child" communicates clearly with their adult self through what people call "intuition" and reflexive somatic (bodily) responses. An example of positive somatic messages would be "butterflies" in the stomach. The negatives can be experiencing nausea or back pain.

When in the company of a romantic interest who has a compatible relationship model, people instinctively experience a sense of familiarity and security. Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth. A person's attraction patterns are almost exclusively driven by one person's relationship model: the Human Magnet Syndrome.

Any codependent, myself included, can attest to this conclusion. I was a psychotherapist who claimed to be smart, educated, and good at his job, yet twice fell prey to pathological narcissistic wives. Despite the terrible consequences and humiliation I suffered due to the choice of my first wife, I made the same mistake with my second marriage.

Finally, what kind of readers do you think will especially enjoy this book?

My book was written for both the general public and professionals. During the six years that I presented the Human Magnet Syndrome material (over 100 times), my presentation style became progressively more neutral (pleasant and understandable to both groups). The most common and predictable case is to have at least 25% of my professional audience members in tears. Professionals don't mind my use of simpler terminology, as they benefit from the material both personally and professionally. According to anecdotal evidence, at least half of the 60,000 Human Magnet Syndrome books sold in English were purchased on the recommendation of a psychotherapist.

Considering that most psychotherapists began their careers as codependents, this book makes a lot of sense for them. I know this from the 80 seminars I've given on the subject, the 600 reviews of my books, and the tens of thousands of comments on my YouTube videos.