When the feeling of motherhood that we idealize does not arise

Before the birth of a baby, many mothers feel happy, grateful, empowered to bring their children into the world.

However, For many women, the puerperium can be a difficult experience, full of fear, guilt, negative feelings that affect their affective and social relationships, breastfeeding and even the bond with their baby. This is what we call postpartum depression (PPD).

In this article we will see what happens when the anticipated and idealized illusion of being a mother does not come with the birth of a baby, but sensations linked to discomfort.

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The key moments of birth

Pregnancy, childbirth and the puerperium are moments of special vulnerability for women, where the person is more sensitive and there may be personal or contextual factors that may be affecting the bond that is generated between the mother and the baby. The beginning of the bond with our baby can be altered at different times.

1. During pregnancy

The bond with the baby begins in the womb, and the fetus perceives all the emotions that its mother is feeling. If the mother's life story has been complex, the hormonal process that develops during pregnancy gives rise to a period of psychic transparency (Bydlowski, 2007), where the woman feels the need to review and repair her history, especially her bond with her mother, in order to begin to create an emotional connection with her baby.

If there are conflicts or unresolved attachment ruptures in the mother's story, it is more likely that the affective bond can be negatively affected. For this reason, pregnancy is a good time to be able to work and repair our history of attachment.

2. maternity and paternity

This phase begins to develop from the moment you dream of the arrival of your son or daughter, and many things can happen until they arrive.

A mother does not arise from loneliness and isolation; It is the result of a family, bonding, social, economic, technological context. Biology also plays a leading role, and to carry out maternity, support is needed, to generate the conditions for a healthy pregnancy. In this process, not only her mother and her family count, but the whole of society.

3. Childbirth

The fact that there is a natural or highly medicalized and intervened birth, that there are medical complications or that the woman has not felt safe in that situation, It can lead to the emotional connection with our baby not being as expected.

4. the postpartum

Physical and emotional separations between mother and newborn, or medical interventions on the baby or mother mother, among other issues, can also make the establishment of a strong emotional bond look postponed.

5. the puerperium

The lack of support and care from the partner and the environment, problems or illnesses in the recovery of the mother, or stress, generate mother-baby connection difficulties.

When the illusion of being a mother does not arrive

If the pregnancy has gone well and the delivery has been respectful of the mother and the child, the woman will feel empowered; Hormones and emotional changes bring it about, giving her internal and external strength along with a connection, not only with the baby, but also with herself. Mammalian biological instinct directs maternal behavior and predisposes the mother to carry out certain actions related to a good development of motherhood.

However, if she has not been able to be the owner of her birth, of her body, of the process, she tends to settle in with a feeling of bewilderment and impotence, which leads her to lose self-confidence. It is as if something had been stolen from her that she is not aware of in her way of experiencing being a mother.

There are different variables that can lead to mothers not feeling that torrent of love that they "should" feel, and that after that comes the feeling of guilt and discomfort with oneself.

postpartum depression

It is very common to live feelings of sadness, irritability, wanting to cry after childbirth, due to fatigue and hormonal change. This period is called "baby blues” and 80% of women suffer from it. With the care of the people who surround the mother and the baby, the necessary rest and a lot of emotional support, these symptoms disappear in a few days.

However, if this does not happen and the discomfort continues, affecting the daily life of the mother and the baby, we may be talking about postpartum depression. For these cases, from vitalize We recommend a professional accompaniment.

PTSD associated with pregnancy or birth

It is also important to see a professional if during the delivery or post-partum process the mother has the experience that at some point her life or that of her baby has been in serious danger; this can generate intense fear or hopelessness, developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

This fact can occur between 2 and 6% of women who give birth, and 30% usually generate some symptoms of this disorder, persisting for a long time, even years, if not treated properly adequate.

Among the main triggers for this alteration is the perception of negligence or malpractice during or after childbirth or high obstetric interventionism (use of instruments during childbirth, medicalization, urgent caesarean sections, etc.) where the woman feels a loss of control or excessive pain for a prolonged period of time.

Symptoms

Symptoms that accompany a traumatic birth they are usually:

• Constantly reliving childbirth or the most stressful situations of the process.
• Feeling disconnected or distanced from reality and from your baby.
• Irritability and hyperexcitability with their environment and health professionals.
• Affectation of the bond with your baby.
• I reject sexuality and the desire to become a mother again.

To do?

In cases of PTSD it is recommended encourage women to express their feelings in self-help groups or with professionals. EMDR Therapy together with regulation and relaxation strategies such as Neurofeedback are effective treatments for PTSD after a complicated delivery.

Bringing a baby into the world is one of the life events with the greatest emotional and physical impact on a woman, which is why it is very important to accompany and care for both her and the baby. This help should combine the human factor provided by loved ones, and professional assistance by experts in psychotherapy.

Authors: Anabel De la Cruz and Cristina Cortés, psychologists from Vitaliza Health Psychology.

Bibliographic references:

• Cortes, c. (2017) Look at me, feel me. Strategies for attachment repair in children through EMDR. Desclée de Brouwer.
• Bydlowski. (2007) The life debt. Psychoanalytic itinerary of motherhood. New Library.
• Olza, I. (2017) Give birth. The power of childbirth. S.A. Editions B.