How does borderline personality disorder affect relationships?

There is no relationship without disagreements. In the affective bond, whether romantic or friendship, established between two human beings, the appearance of insecurities, jealousy and conflicts of various kinds are common. These difficulties are natural and common and do not indicate the existence of any underlying pathology.

However, in the case of people who suffer from borderline personality disorder (BPD), the ability to establish and maintain an affective relationship is diminished. People with this type of disorder develop an insecure attachment in their relationships with others. His affect is unstable and frequently varies between excessive dependency and flight. This translates into the appearance of an intense fear of the possibility of separation and the deep fear of not being loved. The instability and manifestation of these feelings entails the appearance of a whole series of problems in relationships.

In this article we will see what they are the difficulties that people diagnosed with BPD usually experience in their affective relationships.

• Related article: "Borderline Personality Disorder: causes, symptoms and treatment"

What is borderline personality disorder?

People with BPD often experience a whole series of negative feelings such as anger, anxiety, and depression. These appear suddenly and with more intensity than for most people. Patients with this type of disorder may also act on impulse; for example, they may leave a place suddenly or abandon a project or job without giving explanations.

After an impulse or emotional change, it may take several hours for the person to return to a stable state and days to recover. It is important to understand that in this type of disorder it takes time to return to an emotional baseline.

People with BPD often have prolonged episodes of these symptoms. These are likely to negatively affect your work and personal relationships and ultimately your physical health.

Emotional episodes are not only caused by negative events. People with BPD also experience greater euphoria and for a longer time when they have a positive experience. However, it is often more difficult to recover from events that they experience negatively. Thus, they have a greater risk of self-harm or harming third parties, in serious cases they can even commit suicide.

All these emotional changes and their consequences make their relationships more dramatic and live with more tension than those of most people. These effects are experienced more intensely by the close circle. Friends, family, and people important to them experience a whole series of emotional conflicts.

• You may be interested in: "23 signs that you have a 'toxic relationship' as a couple"

Difficulties in relationships with borderline personality disorder

As we have seen, people diagnosed with BPD present two characteristic and determining features: lack of emotional control and impulsiveness.

The ability of people with BPD to maintain stable and satisfying intimate relationships is greatly affected by these traits. Although these problems can be masked at first, since emotional excesses can be interpreted as signs of passionate love or the imbalances typically seen at the beginning of a relationship. With the passage of time and the lack of emotional regulation, these issues make everyday life more difficult and endanger the viability of the relationship.

So, BPD patients and their relationships face numerous challenges and problems. It should be noted that the difficulties that we present below are not significant from the diagnostic point of view, but can be understood as behavioral indicators observed by therapists in the relationships of their patients. You have to understand that each BPD patient is unique and so are their relationships; consequently, not all of these problems are observed in every link. However, in some cases, a person may face several of the following challenges:

1. codependency

People who suffer from borderline personality disorder are the ones who best represent the phrase "neither with you nor without you". His emotions are unstable and alternate between flight and extreme dependence. Moreover, one is the consequence of the other. Generally, people with BPD present a type of insecure or disorganized attachment, accompanied by a codependent relationship dynamic. The idea of ​​separation from the other causes him immense discomfort. They often live with the idea that the other person might disappear or abandon them.

So well, the mere lack of contact with the other can cause anxiety, since thoughts of abandonment appear. To mitigate them, they may perform self-injurious or hostile behaviors. People with BPD have a greater predisposition to addictions.

• Related article: "11 characteristic symptoms of emotional codependency"

2. Intensity

People with borderline personality disorder are often described as romantic. The moment they meet someone, they show immediate passion, especially when they fall in love. This affection can be perceived as very special to the other party. However, the feelings of the beginning are not stable and can vary in consistency in periods of love-hate. In romantic interactions with someone with BPD, one may feel loved at some times and hated at others, usually near the end of the relationship.

3. Dichotomy

People with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty processing information consistently due to stressors in their relationships. This is because your emotional state alters your cognitive functioning; the so-called "cognitive regulation deficit" is associated with BPD. They tend to process information about their environment in dichotomous terms, such as that all things are white or black, or good and bad, ultimately, BPD patients tend to form unimportant thoughts. healthy. These ideas are formed instantly and do not last long, so they are considered irrational. However, this considerably affects their relationships, they alternate between loving and hating the other person or involuntarily tend to idealize or demonize whoever they are with.

• You may be interested in: "Dichotomous thinking: what it is, effects and distinctive characteristics"

4. exaggerated conflicts

Arguments seem to be something people with borderline disorder like. personality, so anyone who is in a relationship with them can become their sack of boxing. This is because they are highly resistant to conflict and often react with hostility to irrelevant details. During discussions, people who suffer from BPD may take out their frustrations on the other person for no apparent reason.

As we have seen, being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder means experiencing dramatic mood swings. These moods change quickly and can go from happy to upset to angry in a matter of seconds. Also, the person arguing can go from feeling calm and collected to angry or stressed in a matter of minutes.

5. Manipulation and emotional blackmail

People with borderline personality disorder often treat other people as actors who can be easily manipulated. However, they do not use relationships instrumentally, that is, to achieve goals with intention or organization. Instead, they often focus attention, affection, and behavior on other people in dysfunctional ways, using emotional blackmail, victimization or seduction.

• Related article: "Emotional blackmail: a powerful form of manipulation in the couple"

6. the feeling of emptiness

The feeling of emptiness is characteristic of BPD. Patients with borderline personality disorder often have a fragile self-concept that can change or fragment under stressful circumstances. This emotional insufficiency causes them to feel empty most of the time. As a result, they may experience separation anxiety and a tendency toward codependency in relationships.

7. victimization

People with borderline personality disorder often blame external circumstances for their problems. Typically, they blame others for their difficulties or struggles; They might even accuse others of being selfish, lacking in compassion, or abusive. These arguments, which are usually made during confrontations, may initially cause discomfort, confusion, and guilt in the other. Ultimately, these arguments are defended very strongly to the end.

8. Incomprehension

Living with a person who has BPD means dealing with daily frustrations because they feel misunderstood by their environment. Many times, this feeling is true. People always try to understand the moods, fears, insecurities of the other party. of the relationship, but this due to the emotional intensity can be difficult in the case of people with TLP. This inevitably leads to miscommunication and emotional distance in the relationship.

9. self sabotage

Although, ultimately, people with borderline personality disorder crave the building satisfying and lasting relationships, they often refuse to bear the burden of stability of affection. They have little patience for frustration and find the inconveniences of everyday life a heavy burden. For this reason, they experience a lot of self-fulfilling prophecy when relating to others: they assume that the bond that unites them to others is damaged, and they behave in a manner consistent with that idea, which goes from being something imagined to being something real.

In addition, people with this type of disorder have difficulties in differentiating between wants and needs, which causes them to be easily annoyed by little things and experience major communication problems. motivation. This is also related to their impulsive nature and rapid changes in attitude, which causes them to frequently change interests and even goals in life.

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