3 keys to have assertive communication in your relationships

Assertive communication is one in which opinions are expressed or needs and disagreements are expressed. respectful, honest, clear, direct, safe, calm and empathetic way, so that no one feels offended.

On many occasions, especially when we argue with someone, we tend to get carried away by anger, for those feelings of rage and anger that invade us and that make us lose control of the situation. We can end up losing our “forms”, speaking to the person in front of us in an aggressive, disrespectful way, sometimes even disrespecting them. We neglect our language by raising our voices, not listening to the opinion of the other or clearly exposing the message we want to get across.

We also lose control of non-verbal language, looking derogatory, gesturing aggressively and even positioning our body in such a way that the other person has the feeling that we have no interest in continuing talking. All these ways of acting do nothing more than arouse the desire to argue and defend oneself from an attack. This is far from achieving in the other person a gesture of empathy and a possible change in the face of an attitude or behavior that has made us feel bad.

In this article I will give you some tools so that you can learn to express yourself correctly and assertively, so that you improve your interpersonal relationships.

• Related article: "The 12 basic communication skills"

Keys to benefit from assertive communication in relationships

First of all, it is necessary to take into account that behind the anger, there is usually a feeling of sadness, hopelessness or disappointment. It is from here from where we must communicate. If we do it out of anger, it is much more likely that we will not get the attention of the person we are with. we are arguing and we provoke that need to defend oneself and not to understand what you want convey.

If we take into account that we are angry with this person because he has hurt us or disappointed us somehow, we will verify that the way of transmitting the message is very different and generates much more impact. Have you ever been so angry that in the middle of an argument you started crying and broke down feeling defeated and vulnerable? There you have proof that behind all anger, there is pain.

Here are some guidelines that can help you communicate assertively:

1. Be clear about the objective you want to achieve from the communication

Focus on him and don't get carried away by reproaches or by the need to respond to the other person's attacks. If, for example, I want to make him understand that it bothered me that he did not take my opinion into account for something specific, my goal should be to get the person to empathize with me and apologize. Anything that goes against getting it, I must ignore.

In this way, we will avoid going into past reproaches, which are not the current reason for which there is a discussion, and you will not risk lose sight of what you wanted to achieve, also avoiding that each one leave without having managed to solve the problem and you feel frustrated

• You may be interested in: "9 habits to connect emotionally with someone"

2. Start the speech with positivity

Despite feeling angry, always start communication by expressing to the other person the positive qualities that characterize him and the reasons why you have decided to make him part of your life. It is important, before explaining what has bothered you or what you need to change, that you let the other person know that they are important to you and that their decisions or opinions affect you especially because of the important place it occupies in your life.

In the case of a discussion with someone with whom there is no more intimate affective bond, such as a co-worker, your boss... You can express it in another way. We will see a couple of examples:

• Discussion with someone important to me: “I would like to tell you about something that I did not like, and I do it because you are someone important to me and because I am convinced that I can trust you. I would love to be able to explain it to you and that we could solve it because I would not like us to be wrong and I also believe that there was no bad intention behind what you have done.
• Discussion with someone outside my closest environment: “For me it is important to have a good relationship with you, since we share many hours together at work and That's why I wanted to tell you about something that bothered me a bit... Besides, I'm sure we can fix it”.

In this way, we will get the person with whom we started the conversation to be more willing to listen to us, since, far from feeling attacked, you will observe in us a conciliatory attitude and trust.

• Related article: "How to make constructive criticism: 11 simple and effective tips"

3. Be careful with non-verbal language

It is important, for there to be respect in communication, have both people face each other, without making violent movements and with a fixed but conciliatory look and predisposed to dialogue. We must try not to look at the mobile while they speak to us or remain seated to the side showing disinterest.

These and many other strategies are essential to learn to communicate correctly and manage to resolve any type of conflict in a conciliatory way. These are some techniques that you can train and put into practice with the help of your trusted psychologist.