Congruence, an essential aspect in our well-being

How many times have you verbalized something that you didn't really think? How many times have you done something for another person that you didn't really feel?

How many times do we say yes to someone, meaning “no”? We must not satisfy others at the cost of feeling bad ourselves; it is about learning to say “no” without offending.

Congruence is related to the transparency and authenticity of the human being, and is defined as that quality of the person who acts based on his most solid ideas, beliefs and values ​​and who expresses them through his words and actions.

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What is congruence?

Being congruent involves being true to oneself, verbally and non-verbally, as well as in fact, without resorting to deception; It is the harmony between the ideas of the person and their way of feeling, expressing themselves and acting. For example, the one who expresses his love for animals and treats his pets well would be congruent.

be congruent allows the person to gain the trust of others based on freely expressing his feelings, his opinion, his actions... in a way that does not hurt or make others uncomfortable, sincerely but tactfully, in the right time and place, which will facilitate listening and the good predisposition of the interlocutor.

Being congruent brings well-being and security to the person, but sometimes it is not easy and it is our main source of internal conflicts because we dare not say what we really feel or do what we really want, and this gives us a feeling of discomfort in our day to day. A consistent person should not agree to those commitments that do not feel like it or justify or make excuses, but say what they really are. When one makes an excuse or justifies himself, the body gives him away; maybe from the outside they don't realize it, but your body manifests itself and reminds you with its discomfort that you are being incongruent with yourself.

It is a situation in which a person transmits the same message through all output channels, that is, the words of the message are aligned with the tone of voice and gestures. All channels are defined in the same direction. The renowned American psychologist Paul Ekman explains that, apart from the expressions that are manifested in a conversation, there are also micro-expressions, which are reactions involuntary and instinctive features of the face that can reveal what a person really feels, hence the importance of one's own emotions being in line with the words and Actions.

be congruent It is closely linked to self-knowledge and emotional intelligence, with knowing how to listen to ourselves to know what our feelings and objectives are, which gives us much more clarity regarding what we want or where to go or what to commit to. It is the result of individual development and acquiring personal responsibility. If you know who you are and what you want, you will know that you are being consistent when you walk in the direction that brings you closer to your goal.

Being in balance and congruence with one's own values ​​is an essential aspect of well-being, since values ​​largely determine people's behavior. Many of our choices in life are influenced by our hierarchy of values. Such values ​​affect, for example, the choice of studies or jobs, our personal relationships, the choice of a partner, and our entire lifestyle in general.

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When do we stop being congruent?

On many occasions we are inconsistent in our lives, we adopt incorrect habits when we want to defend our health; we ask our children to be educated when we do not know how to communicate assertively; we do things that are not in line with our beliefs or our desires. Incongruity is the manifestation of conflicting messages on different channels; for example, when we affirm that we are sure in a hesitant tone of voice.

Human beings often experience feelings of lack of motivation to carry out a task, or a knot in the stomach. We are capable of changing our speech in a conversation or we doubt about what decision to make. This gives us an internal feeling of dilemma or conflict, since there is no congruence between ideas, thoughts, feelings and behaviors. This is called cognitive dissonance, which makes us aware of the need to resolve the conflict in order to live with greater integrity. However, when a person expresses a single message and remains firm with his ideas, it is called congruence because the message is transmitted with conviction and security and this reports a connection with one same.

We stop being congruent when we pretend to be what we are not, when we pretend to be who we are not.. The American Psychologist Carl Rogers He was referring to the term incongruity to talk about the feelings of dissatisfaction that occur when you don't live the life you really want. The inconsistency has to do with discomfort and involves a lot of damage to the person because what he feels and does are not aligned. The lack of congruence in our life generates distrust and insecurity with oneself and with others. Being congruent makes the difference between feeling comfortable or uncomfortable in your own skin, but we are so accustomed to living with incongruity that we are not aware of the extent to which we it affects.

• Related article: "4 steps to feel better with yourself"

How to become a congruent person?

The most loving act towards ourselves is to be consistent in our life. And for that we have to be honest. A lot of personal work is required to unlearn learned thoughts and behaviors, as well as to consciously adopt certain stances towards life. It would be about choosing to think and see the world with one's own criteria, assuming a personal position in front of events, acquire autonomy and freedom in order to take control of ourselves themselves.

Being congruent is a guarantee of personal well-being, why don't you try it?