5 tips for managing breadcrumbing in a relationship

Virtually any type of personal relationship can give rise to power imbalances; it is not necessary that there are ranks or formal authorities as occurs in companies or schools of education obligatory, and in fact, it can also occur in those links that, in theory, should be between equals, such as Couple relationships.

The breadcrumbing phenomenon is an example of this., since where it occurs, there is a person ignoring the other and at the same time manipulating them so that they are sacrifices himself to gain her attention, thus achieving a relationship that requires virtually no effort. Let's see how it affects us and what to do to manage breadcrumbing.

What are the main effects of breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing is a toxic behavior that occurs in the context of sexual-affective relationships; can be described as a pattern of behavior in which the fact of devoting very little attention and effort to one person, assuming that they are the ones who must fight to keep the relationship “afloat”.

The name in English that has been given to this phenomenon comes from the words "breadcrumbs", a metaphor that refers to the habit that some people have of leaving to the other person only "the crumbs" of what should be a complete and satisfactory relationship, just enough so that they continue to have an interest in maintaining contact. It is usually reflected in the tendency to speak only intermittently, to barely answer phone calls or to text messages, or to be left alone in certain circumstances in which it is especially convenient.

Breadcrumbing can be directed at your partner or at someone else in your environment, such as close friends, love interests, or potential partners. The common effect of breadcrumbing is great discomfort and emotional dependency. towards that person who launches contradictory signals of affection or attraction towards the manipulated person.

The main effects of breadcrumbing are:

• It damages self-esteem by promoting a submissive role and seeking external validation.
• It creates a vicious circle by normalizing the dynamics of lack of communication and fear of rejection.
• It legitimizes a relational framework in which one person always has the leadership and makes the decisions.

How to deal with breadcrumbing in a toxic relationship?

These are the strategies and recommendations to apply if at any time you notice that you are suffering from a case of breadcrumbing.

1. Analyze the situation from outside

Analyzing the situation we are experiencing from the outside is the best way to realize toxic dynamics that can go unnoticed in the day to day in which we live with that person.

Dealing with the subject objectively and honestly with ourselves, as if we were analyzing a foreign relationship, is fundamental; it will allow us to realize the implications of those small details that can be obvious or covert signs of a case of breadcrumbing. To achieve this, it is advisable to write our reflections on a journal that we fill in periodically.

Analyzing the possible causes of why our partner is carrying out this strategy is also the first step to clarify the existing problem. Likewise we must identify what kind of effect breadcrumbing has on us, in what way we are suffering and if we deserve to suffer in this way.

As indicated, people who do breadcrumbing tend to have a constant need for approval, that is That is why through their actions they seek to feed their ego and reinforce their belief in themselves and their ability to seduce. In this sense, narcissism is another of the usual traits of this type of individual.

• Related article: "Cognitive Schemas"

2. speak it

Verbalizing what we feel and expressing it to that person from an assertive attitude through an assertive communication exercise will lead to a turning point: Do you accept the validity of our feelings or do you enter into a dynamic of psychological manipulation? We must detect the possible signs of gaslighting, which occurs when we try to convince ourselves that we cannot trust our own mental faculties.

Open and sincere communication is always the first step to solve any problem that arises in the couple or friendship, and in In the event that we have any type of discomfort, we must communicate it as soon as possible and make it clear that we expect a change for your part.

• You may be interested in: "The 12 basic communication skills"

3. Set limits

Continuing with this reasoning, we must make clear during our conversation with the couple the things that we are willing or not to tolerate, establishing red lines that should never be crossed by the other person. The changes that we require must be expressed clearly and going to the concrete and measurable. This It will help us to reinforce our position and our self-esteem, as well as our role within the relationship. By making clear what we are willing to put up with and what we are not, the other person will also understand that her attitude must change if she wants to continue with the relationship.

4. improve your self esteem

Self-esteem is one of the aspects that is first affected in cases of breadcrumbing, since many people end up getting attached to their partner's affection and suffering when they don't have it.

There are many ways to improve self-esteem, one of the most effective is to reflect on one's thoughts about oneself or about the relationship and identify those thoughts, emotions or ideas that lead us to minimize our achievements, attributing them to luck or the help of others.

• Related article: Learn to love yourself?

5. Go to psychotherapy if you can't deal with the problem

On occasions, breadcrumbing can leave such psychological sequelae that it is necessary attend psychotherapy. In a psychologist's office you will find professional help for challenges such as repairing the self-esteem or the training in managing emotions necessary to trust others again. the rest.

In this sense, if you are looking for psychological assistance services, I invite you to contact me.

My name is Paloma Rey and I am a General Health Psychologist; Pure serve you in person or in the online therapy modality.