Rebeca Carrasco: "You have to distinguish perfectionism from self-demand"

Many times it is said that to be skilled at something you just have to put effort and practice into it, and it is partly true. However, you also have to keep in mind that by practicing and putting a lot of effort into something, you can also we are "opening new fronts", addressing extra challenges, with which we must know how to deal psychologically. And it is that having the ability to manage self-demand and perfectionism can be considered another of those talents to develop.

The person we interviewed here is an expert in managing forms of emotional distress associated with perfectionism, self-demand and the way in which they are reflected in the habits of job; is about the psychologist Rebeca Carrasco.

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Interview with Rebeca Carrasco: the importance of managing perfectionism and self-demand

The psychologist Rebeca Carrasco is specialized in clinical and health psychology, and she cares for people of all ages in the area of ​​Majadahonda, Las Rozas and Boadilla del Monte, as well as through therapy on-line. In this interview she talks to us about the psychological problems associated with perfectionism and self-demand.

What are the most frequent forms in which self-demand is reflected in the adult population?

Today self-demand is around any corner, and we can see it embodied in infinite ways. Some of the most visible forms are the following.

First of all, in body image. There is an excessive concern for having the perfect body, and even practices that are harmful to health are carried out.

Secondly, in academic or work performance: there is an obsession with results that are always focused on a goal and not on learning.

Also in social self-demand: the person is obedient or submissive to what they believe others expect of them, which often triggers mental health problems.

How to distinguish a perfectionism that enhances the spirit of improvement and personal development, from another that is a source of anxiety problems?

It is important to distinguish perfectionism from self-demand, although they are closely related. In perfectionism, achievement expectations are high, perfection is aspired to. However, self-demand does not necessarily seek perfection, but has more to do with constant negative self-criticism, whether there is a goal or not.

There are two types of perfectionists: adaptive perfectionists and maladaptive perfectionists. While for adaptive perfectionists self-demand helps them improve performance, perfectionists maladaptive people always have the feeling of not reaching their standards, and even if there is high performance or achievement, they always experience it as insufficient.

One way to tell them apart is in the way these people talk to themselves. An adaptive self-criticism helps us to evaluate ourselves with criteria. That is, taking into account not only the inappropriate behaviors but also the appropriate ones, which will lead us to want to modify the inappropriate behaviors and reinforce our appropriate behaviors to adapt to the environment and have a more adjusted vision of ourselves themselves.

However, maladaptive perfectionists can punish themselves for not achieving a goal. They feel so inadequate that they set very high goals, believing that this will help them feel more satisfied, and they set goals that are sometimes impossible to achieve.

People with maladaptive perfectionism have a tendency to make a global evaluation of themselves, taking into account only failures. They belittle their abilities and their achievements, since they believe that it is to be expected and that it is not due to their abilities or their efforts. This will be a source of anxiety, since they are hypervigilant when detecting mistakes or errors, and when this happens they trigger a very harsh self-criticism against themselves.

In addition, they evaluate themselves in a very negative way with respect to others, who are always better than them. This generates a lot of insecurity to face everyday situations, and they are also so afraid of making mistakes that they avoid participating in other situations or activities. All this becomes a vicious circle where by not participating their lives are impoverished, they do not grow, they they feel dissatisfied and useless and all this generates a lot of insecurity that leads them back to improvement maladaptive.

Does excessive perfectionism usually cause problems in relationships as well?

Of course, the self-demand and excess of perfection can be carried to all areas and that includes the couple. A highly perfectionist person will also expect her partner to be perfect, and it will be difficult for her partner to meet the perfectionist's high expectations. For example, the perfectionist may think that the partner is not as strong as they should be, or they do not have the weight they should, or that they are not as "savvy" as they would expect.

Have you noticed if there is also a tendency to try to make school-age sons and daughters know the sooner the more things the better?

Indeed, perfect parents expect perfect children. And this includes not only the upbringing but the expectations for the child: very high grades, tidy room, schedules, etc.

All parents want the best for our children, but one thing is what we want and another thing is what we expect. Right now there is a tendency to expect a lot from children in the academic field, and to compare them with other children, thinking more about what is expected of them than about their abilities.

It is important to know how far our children can go, what interests they have, what they feel most comfortable with, or if what we are demanding of them is realistic. Demanding too much of children is not good for their self-esteem because if we over-demand them they will also over-demand themselves, and this is very limiting because they end up Being very insecure adults, they will always think about meeting the expectations of others to feel accepted, so they will live to continually demonstrate what they they are worth

To what extent does self-demand in the world of work have to do with constant competition in a world in which there are more and more things commodified?

Competition does not necessarily have to be linked to self-demand, although sometimes they are related. Low self-esteem usually resides under self-demand, while in people with a high level of competitiveness it does not have to be that way.

Labor self-demand has more to do with not believing oneself good enough, with an unreal perception of one's own achievements. Self-demanders are so hard on themselves that they even feel worthless. That is why they need to perform so much at work that they even forget about other spheres of life. They are demonstrating all the time. They feel that others always do better than them, so they often do not strive to be the best but rather to not seem the worst.

What can be done from psychotherapy to help people with problems due to excessive perfectionism and self-demand?

First, it helps to identify the self-demand of the patient and the excessive expectations that he has about himself, and then he is helped to set more realistic expectations and a more flexible. It helps you to be aware of your feelings of inadequacy and to create a more realistic image of yourself. All this will help you alleviate anguish and anxiety. The intervention is focused on people not being valued only for their mistakes or failures, but rather being able to have a global and realistic vision of their abilities, their goals and their achievements.