The best tools to enhance assertiveness

Assertiveness is the ability, which we can all develop, to express an opinion, desire or need without attacking the other.

When we interact with others, there are many situations in which we have to say no, set limits or show disagreement. For this, it is necessary to recognize our emotions and their correct expression, without thereby violating others. In this article we want to talk about the tools that help develop a more assertive communication.

At Avance Psicólogos we have observed that most of the time we hesitate more, when it comes to saying no to others, in situations in which we have to respond to someone aggressive, and when it comes to asking for favors, that is why we want to focus on these aspects and develop them, but not before understanding why it is difficult for us to be assertive and try to figure out How assertive are you?

• Related article: "The 28 types of communication and their characteristics"

Difficulties in being assertive

Sometimes you have the impression that saying "no" to someone can lead to conflict or rejection by your interlocutor, and this is not necessarily the case. At other times mistrust prevails, and we think that we must defend ourselves from others and "put them in their place" almost constantly.

This attitude generates many misunderstandings and that the people around us shy away from us. for fear of feeling attacked or offended by us, which leads to a tense and stressful coexistence.

At Avance Psicólogos we place special emphasis on this aspect during therapies, and we take care to give priority to developing this tool, since we are aware that a good control of assertiveness is vital to reduce anxiety and improve self-esteem. The feeling of happiness and well-being increases significantly when our relationship with others stops being conflictive.

The assertiveness continuum

Communication between people can be seen as a continuum in whose center and balance is assertiveness. At both ends are the ways of communicating that we should avoid: submissive communication and aggressive communication. Before reaching these extremes there are degrees and nuances, but we are going to develop these concepts that can clarify which side of that continuum we are on.

When we develop passive or submissive communication, we have real difficulties expressing our opinion or defending our rights. Saying "no" becomes a real trauma and it is very difficult for us to ask for favors. Fear of rejection and conflict they have a huge influence on whether we stay on this side of the continuum. These fears are often determined by early experiences, in which we have received punishment or rejection when expressing ourselves. Sometimes dominant parents or experiences of rejection at school are behind the submissive communication.

At the opposite extreme, aggressive communication stems from the belief that you have to put others in their place, that we must be wary on most occasions and that we must impose ourselves to be strong, the opposite would mean weakness. This belief system, also normally built in early stages, leads to using high and defensive tones of voice, put downs during conversation and impositions.

At the center of the continuum is assertive communication, which is characterized by trying to express ourselves in different ways. situations in a clear and non-aggressive way, trying to take others into account without forgetting ourselves. This is the most appropriate communication to understand each other, avoiding conflict, but facing our fears to express our opinions and express our rights. Achieving assertiveness is the starting point for developing good self-esteem.

Many people are not at the extremes, what's more, most of us function in intermediate degrees without reaching them, but even so each of us has a certain tendency towards one or the other side. Furthermore, not in all areas of our lives do we move on only one side of the continuum, we can be very assertive at work, but submissive with our partner and friends, or vice versa.

Normally, the closer we get to the end of the continuum in one area of ​​our lives, the more we need to compensate by jumping to the other. This explains those situations of "I endure, I endure and in the end I explode with those who least deserve it and at the most unexpected moment".

Hence the importance of getting closer to assertiveness in all of them, to improve our relationships and have a greater sense of control over our emotions. This greatly influences self-esteem and decreased anxiety.

Tools to be more assertive

Next, we are going to delve into the aspects in which it is most difficult for us to be assertive, giving concrete tools for assertiveness.

Saying “no” is probably one of the most difficult answers for others to give. Many people accumulate large doses of stress due to the inability to say no and the need to please. But if we know how to do it and we also start to understand that others are not going to stop "loving" us, nor are they going to angry because we say no, it will be much easier for us to start handling this response in our communication with others.

The first thing is say no, without hesitating too much. Otherwise, you will end up being ambiguous and there, yes, you can generate mistrust.

In second place, you give an explanation so that the other does not feel rejected.

And thirdly and lastly, you give an alternative only in case you consider that the other person deserves it, you want and you can. This point is important so as not to establish relationships in which there is an imbalance between who he gives and who receives, since over time they generate stress and resentment.

Some examples:

“I'm not going to be able to help you, I'm busy that weekend. If you want, we can leave it for the next one” (when we consider that the other person deserves an alternative, whenever we want and can).

"I'm not going to be able to help you, I'm busy that weekend" (when we consider that we don't want to give the other an alternative, either because we can't or because they don't deserve it).

• You may be interested in: "How to say "no" without feeling guilty"

How to stay assertive in the face of someone aggressive

Being assertive with someone aggressive is especially useful, although also more complicated, since the other's response is less predictable. Even so, it is worth knowing how to be assertive on these occasions and having the peace of mind that in your intention It has been, at all times, moving from respect, regardless of how the other chooses to react.

Next, we will describe some of the tools that we can use when the other is more upset or aggressive:

1. Extinction

Extinguishing the other's response refers to respond without reinforcement, changing the subject or leaving the conversation, trying to use a friendly tone so that the other does not feel ignored.

Two examples of this would be: "I understand..., well... I'll leave you because I have a lot to do now", "it's seen that we don't think alike and neither do We have to convince the other, what do you think if we don't give it more importance and leave this conversation for when we are more quiet"

2. Ask us to specify

the aggressive person has a special tendency to generate insecurity in the other from the accusation or emotional blackmail, but most of the time he does it vaguely and without specifying. For this reason, it is important to ask him to specify us, so that we have the opportunity to defend ourselves more fairly. Example: "I don't understand what you mean by not doing my job, can you tell me what job you are you mean exactly, on what specific aspect of the project carried out so far, are you discontent?

3. fog bank

With this tool, we try to lower the tension by putting ourselves in the other's place and acknowledging their part of the reason, but defending our point of view. Example: "I know that you are saying this to me with your best intentions, and I admit that sometimes it is difficult for me to work as fast as you, but I think that I am doing well at my pace and that I am trying to do a good job"

4. Broken record

When someone wants to get something from us, and insists without attending to our "no", being invasive, this tool is recommended, which consists neither more nor less than repeating our message in a tone of respect, but immovable. Example of this: "I thank you for the proposal, but it is not good for me to go on a trip this weekend (...), I understand your interest, but this weekend really doesn't suit me (...), yeah, yeah but the plan of the excursion this weekend doesn't suit me week".

5. Mirror

Sometimes it may be convenient to make the other person see that they are getting too upset or that he is disrespecting us. Examples: "I think you're not being aware of the tone you're using to talk to me", "please don't yell, you can tell me the same thing, but with another tone".

How to make requests?

It is common to find people who find it particularly difficult to ask favors from others, either because they fear annoying or being imprudent, either because they are afraid of a "no", or because their self-demand makes them fear appearing vulnerable. Behind this difficulty there is usually a fear of appearing weak, with the belief that "one has to be able to do everything".

In these cases it is about expressing what we need, aware that we have the right to ask and the other to say no, but we must take the risk of a "no", and understand that this does not mean that the other is rejecting us. Examples: "I'm going to need your help, will you give me a hand when you can?", "I love your dress, would you lend it to me one day?"

Empathize by asking

We can always express our need without the other feeling obligated, showing our empathy without ignoring our need. An example of this would be: "I know you're very busy, but could you give me a hand when you're done? I understand that this is not the time, but it is important to me that we talk about this when you have rested”

get angry with assertiveness

Anger is a common and even necessary emotion.a, since it provides us with the need to separate ourselves from the environment at certain times, or to set limits on others when necessary. Many people fear getting angry and contain it because they fear the rejection of the other or because they believe that getting angry is becoming aggressive. Nothing to do! We can get angry, and very forcefully, without the other feeling attacked.

subjective assertiveness

This tool consists of expressing feelings, making the other see that we are putting ourselves in their place, thus reducing the tension, but making our need very clear.

• The first step is to express my emotion.
• Secondly, I specify what and why it has bothered me.
• Third, I empathize by putting myself in the other's place.
• And finally I express what I need.

Examples: "The truth is that I am very hurt by the tone with which you have spoken to me, I understand that we are both very nervous, but I do not want talk to me in that tone again", "I'm very angry right now, you haven't told me that you weren't coming and I've been waiting for you more than once hour; I can understand that you were in a lot of trouble and you forgot to tell us, but now I don't want to keep talking, I need to be alone”.

With this way of communicating our displeasure, the other can understand what is happening to us and also will be aware of what we need in future occasions.

Getting angry assertively does not consist of shouting or pouting to generate an effect, rather the opposite, the challenge is to control the tone and, from calm, express our emotions.

Bibliographic references:

• Castanyer Mayer-Spiess, Olga. Assertiveness: expression of healthy self-esteem. Desclée de Brouwer, 1996.
• Ellis, Albert. Manual of rational emotive therapy. Desclée de Brouwer, 1992.
• Kelly, Jeffrey. Training in Social Skills. Desclée de Brouwer.