What to do if I have anxiety and my partner does not understand?

Although love relationships are a way to get to know the most intimate side of the person we are with, that does not guarantee that we will be able to understand well the most important aspects of his way of thinking or of feel. And the same thing happens on the contrary: having a partner does not mean that we are going to have someone who fully understands us; It all depends on the communication skills of both parties.

So, although there is a strong emotional and affective connection, sometimes this does not come hand in hand with a good connection on an intellectual level. In this sense, one of the most common problems that arise in courtships and marriages is that one of the people develops excessive anxiety and the other does not fully understand what is happening.

• Related article: "The 12 basic communication skills"

Why doesn't my partner understand that I suffer from anxiety?

In couples therapy it is relatively common to come across cases in which, despite the fact that a person has been suffering from relationship problems for months or years, anxiety, your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband does not understand the implications of this, nor what impact this has on the quality of life of the other person. This

It can be due to many causes, but the most common are the following:

• The mistaken belief that anxiety problems are a sign of "mental weakness" and that they can be overcome through willpower.
• Ignorance about anxiety triggers, which can be very specific (as in phobias) or very diffuse (as in Generalized Anxiety Disorder). The myth that anxiety is always synonymous with cowardice or not wanting to face one's own fears.
• The belief that whenever the other person suffers an anxiety attack it is due to friction that arises in life as a couple (seeing it as a reason to feel attacked).

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• Related article: "Types of Anxiety Disorders and their characteristics"

How to explain what's happening to me?

at the time of adequately communicate that you suffer due to excessive anxietyKeep these tips in mind:

• Don't assume that he knows what anxiety is, explain to him the differences between this phenomenon and other similar experiences.
• Tell him what activities you can't do normally when your anxiety is very high.
• Give concrete examples of situations that trigger your anxiety.
• Make it clear to him or her that he or she is not the cause of your anxiety, and that your anxiety is always the result of a combination of causes.

What can my partner do to help me if I have anxiety problems?

If you have noticed that your anxiety problems are interfering with your relationship as a couple and the person you you love could do more to help improve your coexistence or support you to make it easier to cope with the situation, offer these tips.

1. Agree to guide a very clear chain of routines

Those who are prone to excess anxiety have trouble coping with situations in which they do not know what to do next, what to do during the minutes they have for in front of. For this reason, a good way to maintain a routine of coexistence and activities as a couple is to have the schedule predefined not only during the working day, but also also regarding free time or household or family responsibilities. Do both of your part to make sure that this temporal distribution of the “activity blocks” does not satisfy one person more than the other.

2. When arguing, agree not to raise your voice

Arguing from time to time is inevitable in relationships, and It is not in itself bad as long as it is not done from hostility or aggressiveness. But sometimes it is difficult not to get carried away by the frustration of seeing that the other person has interests or a point of view that conflict with your own, and sometimes From there, something relatively common is that there is an escalation in the tone of voice, something that tends to especially affect those who are already prone to suffering anxiety.

To try and keep things under control, talk specifically about this topic with your partner and agree not to raise your voice when arguing so you don't end up yelling; also agree that if someone does not succeed, the other will remind them at that moment, assertively and without using it against them in the discussion.

• You may be interested in: "12 tips to better manage couple arguments"

3. Ask him to help you keep a consistent sleep schedule

Lack of rest is one of the main triggers for anxiety problems. And at the same time, the time at which we go to bed and at which we wake up is among the aspects most affected by the dynamics of cohabitation as a couple. Therefore, it is recommended that you explain to your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife Do your best to agree with you when to go to sleep and wake up at the same time.

4. If he has to criticize something about you, let him refer to the specific actions

One of the aspects that most generate anxiety problems is excessive perfectionism. For this reason, it is important to do everything possible to expose ourselves to criticism that is truly constructive, so that it does not lead us to question everything we do or to blame ourselves for "our way of being" in general, without knowing how to specify what we could have done better and, consequently, leaving us with the uncertainty of what to do to learn from the others. mistakes.

In this sense, if you suffer from an anxiety disorder or if you are an anxious person in general, it is worth giving your partner some indications about how to make observations about aspects of your behavior that could be improved.

A simple way to ensure that a criticism is constructive is to not talk about the person who has done something wrong, but rather the action that is wrong. In addition, it is better that when he is going to tell you something about a mistake that (in his opinion) you have made, he offers you a solution or an alternative in that very moment, instead of only commenting on the bad that has already happened and not on the good that could be to come if you learn from your mistake.

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