Silvia Guinea: "Emotional management is basic in the face of child tantrums"

Many of the keys to the good psychological development of boys and girls do not depend only on the correct growth of their brain and other biological aspects; the way in which they interact with the environment and with others is also essential.

However, this can pose many challenges for fathers and mothers; The cases in which the behavior of the little ones does not conform to the rules that they are supposed to follow are not rare. For this reason, there are those who need to go to child and adolescent psychotherapy professionals in order to establish dynamics of education, communication and upbringing that do work. In this interview with the psychologist Silvia Guinea we will talk about exactly that: misbehavior problems in boys and girls.

• Related article: "The 6 stages of childhood (physical and mental development)"

Interview with Silvia Guinea: what is hidden behind recurring bad behavior in children?

Silvia Guinea Castany is a health psychologist who is an expert in psychological care for children, adolescents and adults

, and has his practice in Madrid. Beyond the intervention sessions for boys and girls, it also advises mothers and fathers so that they contribute to the correct development and learning of the little ones. In this interview, he will talk to us about problems arising from inappropriate behavior in childhood.

Do you think that, in general, it is common for mothers and fathers to have an overly reductionist and simplifying view of their children's inappropriate behavior when they are young?

I think there are different fathers and mothers. There are those who are informed, read a lot, go to many workshops on child behavior and who attend schools for parents. These parents tend to have a more general and clear vision of what causes maladaptive behavior or bad behavior, as they say between fathers and mothers, to appear and be maintained.

However, there are also fathers and mothers who believe that their children's maladaptive behaviors occur because the child “challenges me”, is disobedient or wants to attract attention. But the truth is that behind behavior of this style it is necessary to have a more global vision of the problem.

From what you have been seeing throughout your professional career, does it usually happen that fathers and mothers reinforce the bad behavior of their children without realizing it?

This happens more than we think and it is usually due to ignorance. For this reason, I always usually have a few sessions dedicated to parents, so that they can acquire a series of educational guidelines at home that are consistent and coherent, in such a way that they learn what to reinforce and when.

On the other hand, we also work on other behavior modification techniques that can help them reduce those maladaptive behaviors that occur on a daily basis at home and that cause so much intra-family stress generate.

As adults, what role does our regulation of emotions and impulses play when little ones go into a state of "tantrum" and act chaotically?

It is essential that mothers and fathers remain calm during a tantrum, which is not always easy. But, what is clear is that if you lose your temper and are yelled at, children tend to get more nervous and it is difficult for them to calm down. Therefore, I would say that good emotional management by parents is essential when faced with the tantrums of the little ones.

In fact, I really like to explain to parents that it is not their children who make them lose their temper as parents, but that their way of tolerating frustration and their emotional management causes them to lose patience with certain behaviors of their children.

What are some of the most common reasons why, for example, boys and girls refuse to abide by the house rules?

Among the most common causes that I find in consultation, we can say that there is usually an ineffective way of giving orders on the part of some parents, their thing is to be at least in the same room as the child and to give them no more than two commands at a time. Also, the contrary behavior is usually reinforced little, that is, praise them when they do comply and are obedient. This would improve the number of times the child decides to obey.

On the other hand, it is always important to carry out a good evaluation since sometimes it is not always a behavioral issue, but the child He may have an emotional problem or a disorder that makes it more difficult for him than other children his age to obey, for example, a child with Attention Deficit Disorder and/or Hyperactivity (ADHD).

What can be done from psychotherapy to help these children and families in relation to the bad behavior of the little ones?

From child psychology it is always necessary to carry out a good evaluation of the situation and thus rule out other causes for which the child could be behaving maladaptively. As I have mentioned, it could be that he was hiding an emotional problem or ADHD.

Once the cause of why the child behaves as he behaves is found, some psychoeducation sessions are held with the parents. In these sessions, the functioning of children's behavior is explained to them, the ways to increase those behaviors that we like and reduce those that are maladaptive through behavior modification techniques, the various existing educational styles, etc

In addition, these techniques are adapted to each child and the specific situation that occurs with them, at home or on the street, so that parents know how to act. Subsequently, we work with the child on managing her emotions, identifying and managing anger, teaching her to look for solutions, etc.

And what general advice would you give to fathers and mothers so that they know how to apply rules of behavior for boys and girls effectively, without creating unnecessary conflicts?

Although there are some general tips that can be applied, it should be noted that each child, each family and each situation is different and, therefore, the ideal is to adapt the guidelines to each circumstance.

Generic guidelines may not work in certain cases, so it is recommended to see a professional if such maladaptive behaviors persist. In this way, the techniques and tools provided by the professional will be adapted to each particular case.

As general advice, one of them would be to take into account that a large part of the learning that the child does is done by observation. You, as a father or mother, are their greatest example. From you he will learn how manage a conflict, how to get angry, how to claim something, how to react to an unforeseen event, etc. If you yell when you get angry, it is very likely that he will yell too.

On the other hand, it is always highly recommended that we try to focus on what they do well. Some parents are very obsessed with constantly correcting and demanding from their children and overlook everything they do well. For this reason, it is essential to praise them from time to time for all those behaviors that we do like from them.

In addition, it also helps a lot to give the orders well, that is, from the same room, when I have made eye contact with the child, do not ask him for things if he is looking at a screen since at that moment they do not listen to us, be very specific with what we ask for, etc

And finally, it is highly recommended that father and mother act in the same way when faced with behavior maladaptive behavior of the child and applying the same technique, only in this way will they be able to reduce those "bad behaviors”.