Lack of self-esteem: what it is and how to improve it

The lack of self-esteem does not become a psychological disorder, but the truth is that it is among the problems of an emotional nature with a greater capacity to negatively affect the quality of life of the people.

This is, in part, because many people believe that it is natural to not value yourself, that it is part of your personality, so nothing is done to change this situation. Nothing could be further from the truth: much can be done to improve self-esteem levels. Let's see it.

• Related article: "Need for approval: what it is and how it can become a problem"

What is the lack of self-esteem?

Said by way of summary, self-esteem is the set of beliefs and ideas that we have internalized in our mind about how we should value ourselves. Thus, it is not simply a set of theoretical knowledge about the Self, but rather it incorporates an emotional charge linked to whether we feel good or bad about who we are. That is, self-esteem is not limited to describing us, but also tells us about how we tend to towards the good or towards the bad and towards what is desirable or towards what we reject, has a component moral).

Of course, the normal thing is that we value ourselves in at least slightly different ways depending on the area of ​​life in which we focus our attention: we can feeling satisfied with who we are in the world of studies and the University but not liking ourselves in the field of love relationships, for example, or vice versa. In any case, each facet of our day to day affects to a greater or lesser extent how we value ourselves in others.

Lack of self-esteem arises when it appears an imbalance between our potential and our tendency to value ourselves, the latter being too low. In fact, it is one of the most frequent psychological alterations (not disorder), but precisely due to its nature, if we manage to overcome it, it gives rise to very satisfying experiences of self-discovery.

Signs that indicate a self-esteem problem

Low self-esteem usually manifests itself in a series of unequivocal signs that allow us to detect negative patterns of self-perception or self-assessment.

Identifying these signs in other people or in ourselves is the first step to solving any self-esteem problem. Let's see what they are.

1. Unsafety

The lack of self-confidence that people with self-esteem problems present It is evident daily both in the workplace and in the personal and social.

This is due to a feeling of incompetence in almost any activity they carry out, which also causes them feelings of indecision, the constant belief that something important will fail, a feeling of inferiority compared to other people, etc

2. Tendency to always compare yourself with others

An unhealthy obsession with one's own defects also causes the person to continually compare themselves with other people, which generates even more complexes and feelings of inferiority.

Conversely, people with healthy levels of self-esteem don't need to compare themselves to the people around them as much as they feel good about themselves.

3. praise makes you uncomfortable

Discomfort with praise is another sign that can often indicate a case of low self-esteem. This phenomenon is associated with what is known as impostor syndrome.: Those who have low self-esteem believe they do not deserve this kind of show of respect and are afraid that others will unmask them as someone who did not deserve such treatment.

Instead, people with good self-esteem are able to recognize both their achievements and their failures in a healthy way.

4. little assertiveness

Assertiveness is the ability to defend and assert one's own rights while respecting the interests and feelings of others.

Far from presenting this capacity, people with a lack of self-esteem tend to accept proposals, requests or mandates that go against their own interests and they are almost incapable of refusing these conditions, regardless of whether their socioeconomic situation predisposes them to it or not.

5. Minimize one's own merits

Attributing one's own merits to luck or to causes beyond one's own control It is another of the most common characteristics of people with a lack of self-esteem.

As in the case of praise, the achievements themselves are often relativized and stripped of real importance.

How to improve self-esteem levels?

The most effective solution (by far) when it comes to improving self-esteem is to go to the psychologist; Through a psychological intervention program, professionals in this field make people learn to value themselves as they should, in a balanced way and being sensitive to their samples of potential and their own progress.

However, beyond the consultation, there are self-esteem improvement strategies that tend to help and that are simple enough that anyone can decide to apply them to their day a day. These are some of them.

1. Detect the type of thoughts that lead you to value yourself little

Instead of limiting yourself to feeling those ideas that assault your mind and lead you to look at yourself with bad eyes, analyze them in the way as objective as possible, as if they were phenomena as ordinary and natural as the forms of life you see on your around.

To do it good it is best that you focus your attention not on each of them separately, but rather detect patterns and aspects that they have in common. For example, the type of situations that trigger them, the images that are drawn to your mind (whether imagined or based at least in part on memories), etc.

Of course, you shouldn't obsess over this or do it constantly at every moment of the day; just take a small notepad with you and write small notes about what is happening to you in your head at times when you feel that the lack of self-esteem affects you more throughout the week.

• You may be interested in: "This is how enhancing social skills reinforces self-esteem"

2. start a project

Proposing goals will be a good way to channel those desires to show you what you can be capable of.; your self-esteem will hardly increase if you do not give yourself objective and real reasons to see yourself in another way.

To achieve this, you can take several days to think of a project that you would like to carry out and that is meaningful to you, and then divide it in a chain of short-term sub-objectives (so that these goals that you can achieve in a matter of hours pull you and motivate you leading to the action). In fact, your first goal may be to choose the general idea of ​​that first project, and do it before a deadline (try to make it a couple of weeks maximum).

Of course, try to find a balance between what is a minimal challenge and what is unrealistic to consider due to its difficulty; the first will not motivate you much and will have little influence on your self-esteem, and the second will frustrate you and make it easier for you to stop trying to improve your self-esteem. The difficulty curve of this chain of goals must be ascending, but it must always be between what you know for sure that you can do and what you think is impossible for you to achieve.

3. Surround yourself more with people who appreciate your accomplishments

The social context to which we are exposed has a significant influence on the way in which our self-esteem is shaped. If you only interact with people who, due to previous dynamics, underestimated you, it is easy for the problem of lack of self-esteem to still be there when you interact frequently with them.

4. Spend at least one session a week reviewing your achievements

adopting this habit you will have a constant notion and adapted to the day to day about the improvements you have achieved soon.

@professional (2052797, "Are you interested in having professional psychological support?")

5. Take care of yourself

Take care of your health and your image, beginning by incorporating into your schedule activities that lead you to be someone healthier: eat what you should, sleep enough hours, exercise regularly, etc. This will not only make it easier for you when it comes to meeting challenges (because if you are in shape you will expose yourself less to exhaustion and stress) but it will also make you perceive yourself in a more favorable way.

6. question your ideals

Since you have begun to analyze the type of thoughts that lead you to feel bad, ask yourself if you have been comparing yourself to the ideals of people who do not exist beyond our imagination or from the audiovisual and marketing world and, therefore, can only make you feel bad about who you are. Sometimes the most blunders were right before our eyes, and precisely because they were so familiar to us, we didn't recognize them as such.

Are you interested in having professional psychological support?

If you are considering improving your self-esteem or any other aspect of your emotional management, I invite you to contact me.

My name is Thomas Saint Cecilia and I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral intervention model, with which it is possible to produce changes for the better both in the ways of processing emotions and the interpretation of reality, as well as in behavior patterns and habits. I help individuals and professionals in person in Madrid and through online video call sessions.

Bibliographic references:

• Castello, B.J. (2005) Emotional dependence: Characteristics and treatment, Alianza Editorial.
• Kelly, R.A. (2010). Social skills training: practical guide for interventions. Bilbao: Desclée de Brouwer.
• Wagner, J.; Hoppmann, C.; Ram, N.; Gerstorf, D. (2015). Self-Esteem is Relatively Stable Late in Life: The Role of Resources in the Health, Self-Regulation, and Social Domains. Developmental Psychology, 51(1): pp. 136 - 149.
• Orth U.; Robbins R.W. (2014). The development of self-esteem. Current Directions in Psychological Science. 23(5): p. 381 - 387.