How should our internal dialogue be to have good self-esteem?

Contrary to what Freud thought, Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis, a humanistic theory of personality, human relationships and communication, I thought that human beings were born mentally healthy, but that, throughout his life, through vital experiences and the type of education received, or dealings with the family, he could develop psychological problems.

Many people present tragic life scripts, that is, traumas or adverse experiences, with a very negative emotional charge. If the human being experiences experiences and emotions of well-being and experiences or emotions of discomfort, it is not due only to a reductionist theory of happiness, where only internal or external factors influence, but it is a mixture of both. It is due both to how we internally feel and experience the experiences we have, and to external factors that influence how we feel.

To develop greater self-esteem, one of the fundamental characteristics that must be taken into account is maintain a coherent and healthy internal dialogue with ourselves

. One of the strategies that, personally, I like the most to be able to acquire this dialogue, is the one proposed by the Transactional Analysis that I describe below.

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The three states of the I

Inside our head we have three characters, "Three states of the I" with whom we dialogue. The three ego states are as follows.

1. The Father Self

It represents the Sense of Duty. What I should and have to do. It has to do with cultural norms and with the messages received in childhood through our parents, teachers, peers, the jobs we have been in...for example: “I must work as a civil servant; I must study; I must be productive, I must get married”...

2. The Adult Self

It represents our Sense of Reality: "I choose". What the person decides to think, feel and do, taking into account their education received and their culture. In the parent I, culture and family educate you and in the adult I, you educate yourself. We question what we have received and make our own analysis of what we want to be, how we want to behave or how we want to live. Example: "I choose not to get married, work what I like, have children"...

3. The I Child

It has to do with our Sense of Pleasure: "I wish". It is our emotional part: "I feel, I feel like it, I like it, I don't feel, I don't feel like it, I don't like it, I don't feel like it"...

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How to improve self-esteem through internal dialogue?

Antonio Bolinches, creator of Vital Therapy, explains in his book The secret of self esteem, in a very didactic and simple way, how to develop emotional maturity, acquire emotional well-being and achieve good self-esteem, through our internal dialogue.

As we prioritize in our mind one of the three ego states, we can adopt the following emotional states:

1. Repression

When we are suppressed the sense of duty prevails, above what we want to choose and what we emotionally desire. This sometimes leads us to experience negative emotions, since we feel that we do not choose, that we lead the life that our parents, our culture, or others want, but not the one that would like. We do not take into account the adult, (what we choose), nor the child (what we feel). What I owe, instead of what I like or need.

• Related article: "Repressed emotions: what they are and how they affect us"

2. Immaturity

If we are in the Father Self, very repressed, sometimes we go to the other extreme: the Child Self. And suddenly we began to behave like adolescents, irresponsibly, immature. This happens a lot when the person has not experienced his vital stages. For example, if you have not lived adolescence or youth with satisfaction and suddenly in middle age, forty or fifty years, you begin to behave like an adolescent.

When we behave immature, the sense of pleasure prevails, above what is sensible and what we should do. We feel a momentary sense of relief, but in the long term, we may feel that we have not done what we should or what is good for us. Predominates what I want, what I like. We have a hard time thinking about our long-term well-being. We let ourselves be carried away by what we feel at all times. We are going to feel instant gratification, but it can happen that our life drifts a bit.

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3. Culpability

When we feel guilty, we have a debate between what we should do and what we feel. Between parent and child. The adult does not take the reins of the decision. The principle of reality is ignored, and what is more sensible to do, from what one chooses or from the beliefs that we have developed as adults. Example: "I like my job, but it doesn't allow me to live well, or I love a person, but it doesn't suit me."

4. Maturity

When we behave mature, the adult is the one who takes the reins, taking into account what we owe and what we feel. This leads us to behave in a balanced way, prioritizing our long-term well-being emotions. Example: when we feel that an area of ​​our life is well-being. I choose a job that suits me (father) and that I like (child); I am with a couple that does me good (father) and that I love (child)...

How is your internal dialogue?