5 ways to manage doubts in a relationship

Insecurity in relationships is much more common than we think. However, heThe prevailing culture often tells us that the sign that we are “really” in love is to feel absolute certainty in our bond.. That is a false belief that creates a lot of anguish.

In addition, our survival mind classifies external stimuli in terms of binary - love or heartbreak, white or black, bad or good, safe or in danger, right or wrong, etc It is not surprising that the slightest doubt we feel, let's take it as an indicator that our partner no longer works. I think of examples from clients and my own, such as, "Why don't I want it like before? Something is wrong", "I'm no longer amused, has love gone out?", "I don't think I admire her anymore, could it be love or habit? And like these many more examples.

The truth is the fear, worry, and restlessness can coexist with love in a relationship. It's not about this or that, it's about this and that. From my curiosity about what happens to me and from my connection with my most lucid self, I will find the reasons why I feel this way.

Some causes of doubts and real examples

The root of our insecurity may have its origins in the fear of abandonment, the burden of closeness or everyday life, the fear of not being there. at the height of the other, perfectionism, fear of commitment, as well as the traces that our past relationships have left. I am thinking of a client who felt so pressured to look beautiful and witty in the eyes of her boyfriend that she got to the point where she didn't want to see him anymore. She loved him, but she was so stressed that she preferred to end the relationship. When she was able to relax, self-regulate, appreciate, and be authentic and shameless, she was able to get in touch with her true emotions. and rebuild your relationship.

I also think of a client who felt overwhelmed by his partner's demands to formalize the relationship. The mere idea of ​​getting married caused him insomnia and discomfort. In the sessions he told me, “I'm not sure and I don't want to be wrong. That makes me more withdrawn around her. The more distance I put, the greater the demands of her and the greater my refusal to take the next step ”. Her challenge was not to specify what she proposed, but her doubts about important decisions in general and her need to have everything under control. We had to remove many layers so that he could trust himself and discern. Little by little, he has begun to enjoy the process of coexistence and to stop having that unhealthy fixation on the result of their union.

Expression of doubts and fear

So if you feel doubts in your relationship, remember that they are normal. These can manifest themselves in various ways. Some people can become overzealous, while others can become more reclusive and withdrawn. Some people can become eloquent critics of their partner and even of themselves., while others may have difficulty expressing their feelings and communicating their needs. There are those who will try to sabotage what they have, while others will live waiting for the relationship to last.

Behind every symptom of insecurity, there is a story to unpack, beliefs to challenge, and a new story to write.

What to do to deal with doubts in a relationship?

Some ideas on how to manage doubts and worries in our relationship as a couple:

1. Not acting out our emotions

These illuminate the places where we have to work, but they are not literal. We may feel colder, but that is not an indicator that intimacy has faded. Faced with an emotion, the invitation is to pause, to get in touch with our sensations, to improve our energy, and once in that place, be curious about what is happening to us to see how we answer.

2. practice self-compassion

When we find ourselves in the grip of heartbreak and doubt, it's important to validate how hard it is, to remember that it's human, and that we're going to be okay. Above all things, It is essential to treat ourselves with a lot of love.

3. Communicate with our partner from an adult and responsible place

For this it is essential to avoid both victimization and accusation. Simply, share your feelings and listen to what your partner has to say.

4. Remember that worry comes from within us.

It is easy to think that our partner is the reason for all our ills. However, those emotions belong to us and it is our responsibility to work on them.

5. Practice conscious self-care

Design the actions of each day with the intention of living with more calm, more enthusiasm for life, and greater vitality. Mindfulness, for example, is excellent because it helps us manage stress, cope with difficulties, and reduce the impact of strong emotions.

Relationships can be wonderful and complicated at the same time.

The illusion is that we have to feel unshakable certainty all the time. love is an art, as it says Erich Fromm. This requires our movement, our continuous learning, and our commitment to both our inner work and our partner. Also remember that you can always ask for professional help to manage your doubts.