How to help a friend who is going through a bad time?

Surely among your friends or even family members there is a person who is experiencing a recurring crisis and needs your comfort and advice..

It may be that every time you fall in love intensely you experience a loving failure and therefore you feel anguished; that in the face of the same discussions he loses control and reacts with anger without thinking about what he says; that he feels a paralyzing phobia of elevators or social situations, admits it with great shame and only tells you; or even that it is difficult for him to leave the house. In these cases, it is normal to feel bad, to notice that you are very concerned about her state of mind every time you meet.

Good friendships carry that responsibility, taking action in case of concern. The question is... What can we do in the face of a friend's crisis? What is the limit to act? What if I generate rejection by insisting on a solution or seeking help? What is the difference between the performance of a professional and that of a friend?

• Related article: "The 12 types of friends: what are yours like?"

How to help a friend in a bad moment

If you are looking for knowledge to alleviate situations in which people close to you are having a hard time and there seems to be no remedy and their anguish overwhelms you, this information is for you.

1. Listening is always the first and most important step.

When we talk about listening, we differentiate it from "hearing" in that we not only pay attention to what they tell us, but we are present and pay attention to what they feel when telling it. They may transmit sadness, frustration and anger, a feeling of helplessness... And the way of responding to each circumstance changes remarkably.

If you achieve this state of receptivity, by responding you will make him listen to you.. Somehow, for that person to let himself be advised or encouraged, it is necessary that you let yourself be influenced; that's how healthy relationships work, and that's what we mean when, in many articles by colleagues on the subject, we mention that you shouldn't launch into advising before listening.

2. There is no need to be in a hurry to respond or to seek a solution

We know that when there is anxiety, tension and a lot of nerves, the feeling is that an urgent way out must be found. But from experience we can transmit to you that it is not so, but on the contrary, you have to breathe, lower your nerves, think as clearly as possible.

Something very significant that patients usually tell us about their friends is that “the most important thing when I told you…. It's that he listened to me, he didn't judge me and he stayed with me”, and we notice how they relax when they tell it, how they find some serenity in the silence. That is why we tell you that even if you seem to do nothing by keeping silent and waiting, you really do a lot.

3. Just because I don't follow your advice doesn't mean I don't listen to you.

If when speaking, your friend or friend remains silent, it is that she lets your message reach her. It is a sign that his relationship with you is important, and If you don't follow that advice, it's probably because it doesn't fit your situation, or you don't know how to follow it..

On many occasions, something more internal than behavior is what prevents changes that improve people's well-being. Anxiety attacks, mental blocks (“going blank”), confusion, thinking about the same idea over and over again… make it extremely difficult to implement the necessary actions to reach the solution. We insist on this idea, we know that it is frustrating to see how a loved person remains in the same problem, but keeping your presence is important.

4. When is it important to seriously recommend seeking help?

As we mentioned in the previous section, when the situation repeats itself and there seems to be no reason for the problem to persist, it is time to recommend professional help.

It may sometimes cause some discomfort to recommend going to a psychologist, because it seems that you are calling them "crazy" or that you recognize that "they are not capable of solving their problem". But nothing could be further from the truth, it is a gesture of care and honesty, very important in friendship in difficult situations.

I put it this way: would you allow your friend to continue drinking alcohol once she has lost control after a few drinks? Would you let him continue playing sports if he had an injured foot, or would you seriously recommend going to a professional to heal? This is the same logic that we follow, if there is a personal crisis that is not resolved and is repeated, It's time to recommend a psychology professional.

• You may be interested in: "How to find a psychologist to attend therapy: 7 tips"

5. To take care of your friend, it is important that you take care of yourself

It is true that, in some contexts, your friend can saturate you with her problem, be very insistent and not know how to stop. This can lead you to feel overwhelmed and powerless to act on it.

You have to know how to say enough and recognize that only by acting from our safety can we help those who need us. If we lose control, we will only add frustration and tension to the problem. It is in this situation that you can find yourself giving hasty advice, trying to console with typical phrases ("it's okay", "with time will pass"...) or even expressing that "you don't do anything to remedy it" "the same thing always happens to you" "it seems that you like suffer". Before you regret losing control, better stop and recover it, only taking care of yourself can you take care of who you care about.