Why you can feel lonely even when others are with you

The human being is a social animal., made to live in the company of their peers. However, one thing is the dynamic of life for which we are prepared, and another is our way of subjectively living our social life.

Because yes, everyone has a social life to a greater or lesser extent; only hermits who totally isolate themselves from others are outside of it. But that does not prevent Millions of people around the world feel lonely… even though they are not., objectively.

What accounts for this apparent inconsistency? Why loneliness can appear when surrounded by people who feel sympathy and affection for us?

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Why loneliness appears when accompanied

Loneliness is a feeling that responds to needs for social contact and affection. Both factors have to do with the possibility of getting the cooperation of others when it comes to achieving personal goals, but there is something else. Affection is a source of physical contact and intimacy, elements that have been proven to be indispensable from birth.

Babies growing up with access to food, water, and an environment with adequate humidity and temperature, but that remain isolated, develop abnormally and often develop serious disorders mental. Similarly, people who report a greater feeling of loneliness are more prone to depression already a relatively early death.

In a way, then, contact with others not only has material implications, but the psychological impact of loneliness also matters. However, this subjective aspect also adds a certain degree of uncertainty when it comes to knowing which social situations produce loneliness and which do not. That's why There are people who, despite interacting with many people, feel alone. To explain this, several hypotheses are considered.

social skills

In some cases, people who, due to the demands of their day to day, interact with various people day after day, including friendly people, can feel lonely because of a social skills problem. As much as a dialogue is apparently two people talking, for those who feel that their public image is being compromised by what they do or say, it is something very different; specifically, a test, something like an intelligence test. Something that produces anxiety, in short.

Because social interactions are seen as challenging, the person with low social skills ignores the possibility of connecting with someone and focuses on not looking ridiculous or simply going unnoticed. This means that what is objectively a social context ceases to be so, and becomes an annoying and stressful situation through which one must suffer as little as possible.

Of course, understanding the company of others in this way makes the feeling of loneliness the only thing left. Sometimes you long to have an honest relationship with someone, but when the opportunity arises, you try to avoid that situation, make it short-lived, and compromise as little as possible.

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Lack of time due to active social life

At the other extreme, it is also possible to find people who feel lonely but, in this case, they do not owe their situation to a lack of social skills.

There are people so extroverted that they live oriented towards others, making the network of social interactions that surrounds them flow day by day, keeping it alive. Parties are organized, friends who did not know each other are contacted, outings to the mountains are proposed... anything goes to involve several people in stimulating situations.

In addition, normally extroverted people who comply with this pattern of social behavior not only do not live in isolation, but others turn to them with the slightest excuse. This is normal, since they act as dynamic nuclei of groups of friends and colleagues. These are popular individuals and highly appreciated by the people who know them..

So where does loneliness come from? The answer is simpler than it seems: lack of time. The spare time of these people is occupied in relating to others, but not in any way: acting as the core of a social network (beyond the loneliness of computers, yes).

There is not much room for deep relationships with intimacy, since the task of energizing groups necessarily requires maintaining a profile of behavior oriented towards the public, visible to everyone. Even if you try to break this dynamic, others will continue to act as before, so it is difficult to "start over" if you do not radically change your habits in many ways.