How to manage the irrational behavior of others?

Normally, when we want to change the annoying behavior of others, we use punishment. (hostility, bad manners...), but you should know that this is not the best way to get others to change.

Recently rewarding or reinforcing desired behaviors has been shown to It is much more effective than punishing the ones we want to eliminate. That is why it is convenient that we show ourselves happy and praise the other person every time that person behaves in a desired way (or even when he approaches it).

How to manage the irrational behavior of others?

But it is not enough to praise the other when the other approaches or reaches the desired behavior, andIt is necessary that we also use another technique combined with this one.. This technique is extinction, which consists of not responding or paying attention to the other person's irrational behaviors. Therefore, to try to reduce or increase any behavior, it is necessary to insert the reinforcement of desired behaviors and the use of extinction with the other's undesirable behaviors.

It can be effective if we selectively attend to or ignore what the other communicates to us: for example, not giving any kind of response (not even non-verbal) to their unpleasant or offensive unfair statements, and respond with interest and kindness only to their reasonable or constructive.

1. disarming technique

When we interact with someone who is irrational, sometimes it is necessary to show an empathic attitude, for this we will follow some steps:

First step: Stop the tendency to get angry too: In those moments you must take care of what you say to yourself. He thinks that even if the other is very irrational, he has the right to say something stupid like the one he just said. And that this does not force you to get upset as well, but you can choose what you think and what you do... (if necessary, count to a thousand to have a good disposition for dialogue).

Second step: Try to understand his point of view: Let him talk, listen to him and explain his point of view if he wishes. If you do not fully understand the content of what he is telling you, keep asking questions but ask them empathetically, asking for details and asking him if you have understood him correctly. Asking questions and asking for details helps to avoid making the mistake of "guessing what the other is thinking" with the consequent risk of being wrong.

Third step: Agree as much as possible: To calm down a very upset person, it is convenient to agree with him as far as possible. possible: in all, in part, in her right to see things that way, or in that it is logical that she is irritated, given her perception of the things.

Fourth step: When you are calm, explain your point of view and try to find solutions to problems. To be able to think of things to solve the problem created, you have to be relaxed, then it is time to expose things as you see them (without ceasing to show empathy with her opinions and feelings), and when there is a real problem, so you can help her and find solutions to minimize the probability that this behavior will be repeated in the future. future.

2. ignore his anger 

If you see the other person very angry and verbally aggressive with us It is good to state that "we will only talk to him/her when he/she calms down (or let's calm down)”. If the other person does not pay attention, we use the broken record, repeating it as many times as necessary, with this we avoid entering into a chain of aggressiveness and violence, by both.

3. Time-out

Is about tell the other "we'll talk another time, when you're (or we are) calmer” (with a calm and firm tone of voice and body language) and go to another place, until your anger or that of the other person passes and you can talk calmly.

4. Separate the topics that create confusion

When our interlocutor tries to defend an irrational or manipulative attitude by intermingling issues that are irrelevant and that can confuse us, it is useful to tell him that we do not want to mix things up. For example, if they ask us to do a job that we don't want to do and mix that request with the fact that we are not good friends, We can tell him that our friendship is one thing, which we can appreciate in many ways, and another is the fact that we do the work that we asks.

5. Write what you want to say

This form has the following advantages:

• We can order the arguments, review them and that they are clearly expressed and highlight the ideas that you consider most important, without the other person being able to interrupt us.

• The probability of ambiguities appearing is reduced and misunderstandings (typical of non-verbal language).

• Helps us avoid tense situations, when we believe that the other person will react badly at first, but then reflect and listen to reasons.

These types of writings have to have a positive tone, take the other person into account, be clear, and not be too long.

6. Defend yourself firmly if necessary

Being assertive also means that we have to defend ourselves firmly against people who can hurt us.. This can mean anything from moving away from them or setting limits to demanding that our rights be respected.

To be firm without being aggressive, you must follow the maxim of defending yourself using "kid gloves and fists of steel", that is, defend yourself firmly against them, but without altering ourselves more than is convenient, without losing our manners and without showing more harshness than is necessary to achieve our goals. goals.

All these examples must follow the following maxim: "Nobody will respect my rights if I don't do it myself"