Benching: false relationships maintained for convenience

New technologies have come to stay, and allow us to interact with each other in ways never before imagined. We are, for better or worse, constantly connected. And we communicate constantly.

But despite this we are in an increasingly individualistic and egocentric culture. In this way, many people use communication methods and social networks to satisfy their needs. ego needs, sometimes generating toxic relationships in order to feel wanted and keep the self-esteem. An example is what happens in benching, concept that we talk about in this article.

• Related article: "Toxic friendships: 7 signs to detect a bad friend"

What is benching?

Benching is understood as that situation in which a person maintains some contact with another, generally communicating with them briefly and superficially, for the sole purpose of maintaining his interest in himself but without pretending to obtain friendship or anything in particular beyond benefiting from him/her.

we are before a type of toxic relationship based on manipulation

in which one subject uses another as if he were a substitute, leaving him on the "bench" in case nothing better comes out. This is not really valued, but it is intended with the maintenance of contact that the person who performs this practice is not forgotten.

Thus, we are not facing a disappearance as in the ghosting or slow fading, but rather in a sustained contact in which the person who is waiting does not see the interaction with the other disappear and remains waiting, maintaining a certain level of hope of having a friendship or significant bond, which leads him to be attentive to the practitioner of benching.

The mechanism of action is similar to what happens in addictions: the interaction with the person generates in the victim of benching a sense of well-being, which will diminish and would tend to disappear with the lack of contact. However, the arrival of new communications, however banal and lacking in content, they reawaken the desire for affection and authentic affective ties. The person in question makes some comment or interaction in order to feed this desire: it is very common, for example, to compliment the other) and make the other person stay earring. Which in many cases is achieved for a long time.

In what contexts does it occur?

The benching It is especially visible in the context of couple relationships, being nowadays very visible in applications to flirt or even through WhatsApp. But as with ghosting, this is not something really new: it is possible to do the same over the phone or even face to face.

But the couple is not the only context in which similar attitudes can appear: we can also find them present in friendship relationships being one part used by the other solely as a wild card, without really valuing the person itself.

Causes of this phenomenon

Why does benching happen? Various authors propose that part of its causes are due to the society in which we live, in which every time there is a greater individuality and egocentrism and superficial contacts are maintained to which we give little or no value. The other is often used as an object or something we can benefit from, or settle for if nothing else comes our way.

On a personal level, those who perform this practice tend to present a high level of narcissism and enjoy other people paying attention to them. It is common for them to be people with a certain level of egocentrism and sometimes narcissism. It is not necessary that they have something with another person: what moves the bencher in these cases is the fact of feeling wanted. On the other hand, it can also be used by people with low self-esteem who depend on the approval of others to feel good.

It is also frequent that there is no empathy with the other and what he may be feeling, or that there is a fear of being alone and they resort to maintaining this type of relationship in case they do not find anything further. Another option could be found in the existence of multiple relationships of the same type at the same time, in case the favorite subject with whom you really want to communicate does not respond. Lastly, although much less common, it is possible that some people may do it unintentionally and may try to display more appropriate behaviors.

Consequences on the affected

Neither with you nor without you. This is probably the phrase that best describes what happens in benching to the person who suffers from it. On the one hand, the person you are interested in is communicating, not being able to forget them. On the other, it is being largely ignored and we may or may not be aware of the other's little interest in us.

The consequence of this is the appearance of a certain confusion, uncertainty and a progressive disillusionment. It is not uncommon for self-esteem to drop (after all, the other person does not consider us so important) and that the feeling of feeling used or of being a consolation prize is born. On the other hand, dependency relationships that generate a high level of suffering are also favored, as well as the emergence of subsequent relational difficulties.

• You may be interested in: "Low selfsteem? When you become your own worst enemy"

What to do if we are the affected party?

Knowing what to do in this situation can be difficult. The first step is to accept and assume that if prolonged contact follows the same behavior pattern, whatever the reason, we are suffering from benching. In this case, it is best to cut off contact with that person., since the other person is not going to have the will to do it.

It would not be strange that after stopping sending messages, the subject that carried out the benching begins to show a much greater interest, as a result of the need to be admired by the subject. In general, the only thing that is sought is to keep the other hooked, which is something to avoid. Before cutting the relationship, it is recommended to speak the facts (if the other is not aware, they could make attempts to change, although it is generally done completely voluntarily) and clearly expose them, as well as communicate the termination of the relationship in a clear.