Couples therapy: help to rebuild ties

Couples therapy is a kind of help that many married couples or people involved in courtships use to get out of their relational crises.

This option breaks with the idea that psychotherapy is a place that is attended only to express ideas that affect only to oneself: psychology can also be applied to affective bonds and communication between two people.

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons"

Interview with Cecilia Martín, psychologist

On this occasion we interviewed Cecilia Martín del psycode institute, to explain what are the keys to couples therapy.

What are the types of problems for which couples go to therapy the most?

Although the reasons are very varied, the most frequent reason for which couples come to consult now is infidelity.

Infidelity in couples is becoming more frequent, both in men and women. And infidelities are forgiven. They are not a cause of rupture. But for the person to be able to forgive and regain trust in their partner, they need therapy.

At the Psicode Institute we work on the deep crises that couples go through after discovering an infidelity. And in 90% of cases, couples recover and even come out of it stronger. “ I never thought that I could forgive him and now I am very glad that I found out about the deception. We love each other much more and we feel closer than ever and I trust our relationship" are some of the testimonials of our patients.

Another of the great reasons for consultation in couples therapy is that we help them to recover the passion. Passion in capital letters because people want to feel for her partner and want to feel loved and desired by her.

After many years of relationship, routine and monotony often wear the couple out and sexual desire decreases. It is a current complaint from both men and women. Low sexual desire is often interpreted by the other as "you don't love me anymore" or "you don't want me anymore". And those misinterpreted messages cause a lot of suffering to people. One of the key points of our couples therapies is to recover the spark in the relationship, to recover the passion and burning desire for the other.

In other cases, it may be jealousy, dependence on one of them, problems of lack of space and care for oneself, or difficulties in decision-making.

Sometimes they come to make the decision to continue together or not. Not because they don't get along as a couple, but because there is a conflict in values, each one has a scheme and they can't come to a "walk together". For example, having or not having children, giving up a professional career to accompany the couple to another country, the demand for open sexual relations by a member of the couple, etc.

And in other cases, recurring discussions and conflicts are the main reason for consultation.

Couples want to learn how to work out their differences on different issues, for example, with the in-laws, children's education, social relations, domestic responsibilities, and they cannot reach agreements. In some cases, the communication becomes aggressive and the discussions take place in front of the children, which further aggravates the situation.

In these cases, what is done in couples therapy?

In couples therapy, they learn to solve those problems that they argue over and over again. The couple enters a loop of daily conflict from which they cannot get out. As soon as you bring up the topic of conversation, it already produces tension in the environment. Why does a subject that is apparently simple cause so much commotion and so much aggressiveness in the other?

Not only are they issues of communication and different points of view, but there are more emotional components involved. Possibly that theme drags a lot of history from the past and is touching weak points of each one.

All these factors are what we analyze in therapy: the fears of each one, the life stories that have marked their character, etc. Once you get to the click! It is easy to find solutions and couples manage to stop arguing.

Many times, when couples therapy is represented in the audiovisual fiction media, the scriptwriters focus a lot on the discussions and conflicts that break out during the sessions. Are discussions really part of the normal functioning of this type of therapy?

In our consultations we try to prevent these scenes from occurring. Our philosophy is that "you don't pay a psychologist to discuss, because they already know how to do it alone." Couples already have enough wear and tear from their discussions at home to reinforce it in the consultation. In addition, allowing it would help to create more distance, since the psychologist is in front, due to the fact that everyone we like to be right, everything is magnified more (consciously or unconsciously) so that it takes our side part.

That is why we avoid these situations, although this is not why we avoid problems. The psychologist must know how to mediate correctly and prevent the climate of tension in the consultation from rising. The goal is for the session to end well and for the couple to emerge stronger from each session and having learned something.

What are the main objectives of this form of psychological intervention?

The main goal of therapy is for the couple to believe in each other again. love. That they feel that their relationship is worth it and that they feel that they have chosen someone special with whom to share their life. When the couple achieves this, they feel full and motivated to solve any adversity.

How do we get it? Well, sometimes you have to work on things from the past. Reprocess and close the past to look at the present. Couples come with so much mistrust, resentment, disappointment... If resentment for the past is not worked, this boycotts the present.

We work on the expression of feelings and increase the emotional closeness between them. We teach them effective communication techniques, we act as mediators in discrepancies, we help them recover the passion and above all to feel like a "team" again to solve future difficulties that are part of the day a day.

What are the most common and frequently used variants of couples therapy, and how do you know which one is best suited to each case?

The variants of couples therapy depend on the therapeutic approach that each professional works on. From the Psicode Institute we work under an integrative approach, with techniques from different approaches: systemic, cognitive-behavioral therapy and even psychodrama techniques for more emotional work.

Each couple is unique and requires unique work. There are usually no universal solutions that work for everyone. For this reason, couples do not find solutions by looking at their pairs of friends. It is a deep work that is usually more complex than individual therapy.

What kind of measures are promoted from therapy so that couples who come to this service commit to making progress?

Ideally, both members of the couple come motivated to make changes and work to stay together. When this happens, the therapy is usually brief and the changes are obtained in very few sessions.

But it is not usually the usual. The normal thing is that both of them, or at least one of them, is already very tired of fighting for the relationship. They usually ask for help when they are already exhausted and when they only see separation as the only way.

In these cases, you have to work on motivation and look for the strengths of the relationship. Help them find the reasons to stay together.

Is it normal to go to couples therapy without having much hope of improving the situation?

It is the usual. We start from the premise that when most people call us to make an appointment, it is because the breakup ultimatum is just around the corner.

They say that when they come they have already tried everything, but it is not true. They have tried over and over again solutions that don't work, or even make the situation worse. They need the expert psychologist to help them see what they don't see.

Some, when they ask for an appointment, despite giving them as soon as possible, we find that many times in those days the couple has already ended the relationship and they do not go to their couple's appointment. It's a pity, because they didn't run out of the last cartridge.

On other occasions if it is true that they come too late. For example, in infidelity problems, it is common for couples to ask for therapy when the infidelity has been repeated several times. Here the person who has been betrayed is so disenchanted that in order to restore trust, more time is needed for therapeutic work. If couples sought help after the first episode of infidelity, the job would be much easier.

The good part of those who do not believe in the possibility of improvement, and who despite this tried, is that they are later rewarded for their effort. They are the ones who are most amazed by the changes and therefore are most grateful to their partners and their decision to start the process.

Does this pessimistic perception of things usually change over the course of the sessions?

Clear. As the process progresses and they see the changes maintained over time, optimism and credibility in the couple appears. Many couples, after experiencing the results of couples therapy, admit that if they had known, they would have come sooner. Couples therapy works.

When couples therapy doesn't seem to be progressing, what are usually the causes?

When one of the members does not really intend to fight for the couple because he no longer loves her, but he continues couples therapy, only for a secondary gain for himself. It may happen that one of them wants to save the relationship, but it is clear to her that she needs to see a real involvement in the other in therapy because if not, she will separate.

We have seen cases in which one of the two who wants to continue in the relationship but not because he loves her partner, but because the breakup supposes a series of losses that he is not willing to assume and he comes to couples therapy to avoid that his partner leave.

For example, the fear of losing their purchasing power, not wanting their children to live with separate parents, etc. The attitude of these people prevents the real development of couples therapy and it is very difficult to move forward.

In what situations would you recommend going to couples therapy? How do you know if the problem is significant enough to take this step?

We recommend going when a problem appears that causes suffering to the couple and that they cannot solve on their own. Sometimes, if the couple goes to ask for help soon, in a few sessions the problem is solved and the couple can continue happily.

If the problem has not been solved and they just let it slide, that problem will come out later in the future and make the situation worse.

What would you say to people who are beginning to wonder if their relationship is viable?

Important decisions in life are made from a rational state, from calm and serenity. If you find yourself in a situation where you are emotionally overwhelmed because your partner has Constant confrontations, resentment and anger will not let you see if the separation solution is the right one. correct.

In the short term it can be a relief, but in the medium or long term you may realize that there were other options.