Grisel Castellanos: how to manage divorce with young children

Divorces always generate complex situations, in which emotional elements come into play, the need to adapt to a new reality, and the challenge of facing an uncomfortable process of rupture that is not always experienced by just two people, but is often also experienced by those around them social.

The cases of married couples with sons or daughters of a few years of age are an example of this: the little ones in the house are in need of assimilate that family life as they knew it is coming to an end, and in many cases, they must get used to new ways of interacting with their parents. Given this, it is not surprising that many children develop psychological disturbances and suffer deep emotional pain. To learn more about this phenomenon, we have interviewed the psychologist Grisel Castellanos.

• Related article: "7 Tips to Get Over Divorce"

Interview with Grisel Castellanos: how to deal with divorce when you have children

Grisel Castellanos is a psychologist specializing in Families and Violence Prevention, and has her office in Tuxtla Gutiérrez. In this interview, she talks to us about the psychological effects that divorce has on the sons or daughters of young age whose parents stop being together, and the way in which it is convenient to manage the situations of this guy.

What are the divorce situations that are most likely to psychologically harm children?

The situations of psycho-emotional damage that children who are part of a family could experience, where the marriage bond is broken, They can be: varied in forms, with different ranges and for different reasons, according to the perspective of who forms the relational bond of couple. With an invariable or constant: violence, which could fit the experience of sons/daughters in child abuse. Without being aware of it or seen as such, as a result of their naturalization.

For example, the way in which an infidelity in the bond is processed can generate and leave psycho-emotional traces in boys/girls. The way in which the "incompatibility" of characters and/or ideologies that could appear in the couple. The way to bring the gender perspective. And the conflict resolution model that they use to resolve any of these points may or may not cause psycho-emotional damage.

Above all, when violence (in any of its forms) tends to be a form of conflict resolution, according to the emotional reactive charge that at the moment arises in the couple around the personality of each one of the parts.

Violence is not only of physical manifestation. Violence can be present in communication, and communication is not only verbal. This phenomenon is seen in the situations of the claim and the demand for attention to the couple, through the sons/daughters. Even indifference with the sons / daughters due to anger and / or emotional demand towards the couple. This increases the predisposition for the divorce process to generate and/or impact psycho-emotional damage to children and adolescents. With possible effects at the moment, in the short, medium and/or long term such as: withdrawal, inhibition, toughness, rebellion, confusion, anxiety, depression, addiction, overweight, eating disorders, demotivation, isolation, withdrawal and a long etc Even in the adulthood of those sons / daughters.

There are hundreds of ways or situations that could create and impact collateral and/or direct damage to the sons/daughters. Among which is when the couple is manipulated through the sons / daughters. When ideas are inserted to the sons/daughters in the role of father/mother of the couple. For example, comments like: Your father/mother: "it's useless", "he left them lying here" "look what he does to us". There are so many ways to damage, with variations in its vibrational charge, that you can write a thesis on that topic.

The unconscious way of gestating damage, part of the life experience and the individual belief system that is has in the different roles that are formed within a family system, in variation to the personality of each member.

Starting from an emotional vibratory perspective, within the consultation experience, in some of the cases when a divorce occurs (rupture of a relationship), there is a high probability that at a vibrational level there is a rupture in the integration of the Self in each of the people who made up a relationship. couple.

When there is a break in the Self due to painful and/or violent emotional events, the couple relates at a vibrational level from that break. The internal rupture is one of many variables that unites two people by vibrational codes (also when instead of two people, there are three or more than three). Other vibratory variables can be family loyalties or the repetition of system patterns. family, which can be presented or manifested in any way or trigger at the level bio-psychoemotional. Whether due to jealousy, differences and/or difficulties due to issues of money, illness, temperament, words, actions, omissions, etc.

At the moment that the couple is linked in marriage from that rupture or pain of the Self or at a Vibrational Level, it is so that in experience of life the internal rupture of each person is made aware of what it feels like and of the traces of pain that are present. In order to give a solution to the experience of that event in life, from the Being individually and have psycho-emotional growth. However, it is not seen that way and in most cases there is resistance to solving the pain of childhood and adolescence, which is why the violence worsens.

The lack of knowledge of oneself and of not seeing the event of divorce, as an experience to solve vibrational energy traces. It causes a latency of divorces with a greater probability that the sons / daughters can be damaged from the separation process. Not because of the divorce itself, but because of not having the emotions recognized and/or managed or because there is not an optimal level of resilience to bring the experience from a mature perspective, due to unresolved or fragmented childhood experiences emotionally.

This leads to the fact that perhaps, on occasions, people with a sentimental relationship, in their role as a couple and/or father/mother, there is a tendency not to perceive themselves as adults on a psycho-emotional level and vibratory. Which could increase the probability, at an unconscious level, that the sons/daughters are seen as the objects of revenge, discharge emotional and/or a means to meet the unresolved needs that the other party (couple) expected to have given and satisfied.

It's like being in a school playroom and two children (boy/girl) are competing for each other's attention. Or in the classic tea game, where the toys are the objects of emotional containment of the girl and/or girl who plays them.

Before the events of pain that are experienced in adulthood, emotional triggers from childhood are activated. Therefore, there could be a tendency for sons/daughters to become battle squires of a merciless war of which they do not have to be a part, since they do not belong to that relational bond (couple).

The issue to be resolved is between the couple relationship, in relation to the conflicting marriage bond. But not in the father/mother relationship towards the sons/daughters.

Another situation that can harm the sons/daughters within a separation of the bond, is the perception that the sociocultural context has. There are family systems where children are not seen as subjects of rights. Which intensifies the belief that they should not be taken into account in communication, not take them into account in the decision-making that is their responsibility as sons/daughters and not take into account their emotions. This may trigger the possible belief in the sons/daughters of the loss of an affective bonding structure, protection and security.

In every relationship there is a struggle of egos, where the parties that are related can be able to complement each other, agree, integrate and in many other relationships, they cannot. There are immediate or sudden physical relational breaks, medium or long term breaks and permanent emotional breaks.

The latter is observed when there are two adults sharing a roof, pretending to be a couple because of their sons/daughters, but the marital bond is broken. Although legally there is no document that indicates a separation of the bond, at the vibrational level there is a rupture that leads to collateral damage to the sons / daughters going unnoticed.

Both generate psycho-emotional damage when duels or losses are not managed from the Conscious Being. As well as when decisions are made in "sons'/daughters' name" so that "they do not suffer", for the possible fears that could arise from the couple in the face of a permanence or separation in the bond, either due to unforeseen needs recognized. Either of the two (continue in the relationship or separate) can be given by fear of feeling and/or by denial of seeing in introspection.

When the role of father/mother is lost sight of and sons/daughters are not taken into account as people and psycho-emotional subjects regardless of their age. It could generate trauma, guilt and/or conflicts, when these boys/girls become adults. And indeed, when they have the role of parents and/or partner, the tendency to repeat the pain patterns of their parents' divorce in different ways arises. With the purpose in the life experience of seeing the emotional pain attached to them.

On occasions, when there are triggers for extreme crises, and one of the parties (husband/wife), trigger to seek psychological accompaniment for divorce, in their search for what psychotherapist go? One of the questions they often ask is: “Do you care for children who will 'initiate a divorce'?

That question demonstrates a clear example of the confusion of what it looks like and who is involved in a divorce. And the answer can be clear, when you become aware that the children are not getting divorced.

For many families, the sons/daughters also experience the divorce or separation along with the couple who makes this decision. This is exacerbated by the loyalties that are activated in sons/daughters. That can lead them to experience abandonment and/or rejection, hatred, resentments and ailments that could arise from the rupture of the marriage bond of the family structure when it does not correspond to them they/them Probable cause of the possible damage that could be in the sons / daughters before a separation, which can generate a difficulty in the emotional relationships of boys and girls in their experience as sons / daughters.

What are the divorce situations that can affect adolescents the most?

I perceive the stage of adolescence as the critical point of the egocentrism that most human beings experience at that stage. I see it as the pinnacle of extreme individualism, of histrionics. From the representation of childhood ailments in their maximum splendor, from the pains with the relationship of the primary affective figures. Of the representation of the family system's adolescence, of the identity of the same family system and of the sociocultural context in which it grew up. Whether in a passive, active or mixed manifestation. Between rebellion, extroversion, introversion, inhibition.

A divorce tends to shift attention to the rupture of the couple's relationship, the marital bond and the exchange of needs of the two people who comprised it. Emphasizing that when there is a divorce there is no separation of the meaning of the concepts of the roles of each person (husband, husband/wife, wife, father/mother, son/daughter, boy/girl, adolescents), therefore, they all enter the same battle without being able to discern which roles are part of which relationship and which or what enters into the dissolution and what not.

This can generate the phrase "We are going to get divorced." The impact on the adolescent can be very strong, it tends to reactivate emotional traces of rejection and/or abandonment, loss of security and loss of the certainty of well-being from childhood. Guilts and fears that have been kept confused and unresolved in the absence of communication and the affective and/or emotional absence.

In this case, there could be a tendency for adolescent sons/daughters to enter into the dissolution of the marriage, when the father/mother projects the unresolved needs on their sons/daughters in their stage of adolescence. With the probability that energetically they take the place of father/mother/partner, while the parents move to the place of sons/daughters or disconnect from a role in space.

By turning attention to the breakdown of relations between two "adults" (marriage), that is, when adults focus on themselves, in their partner/marriage mourning, they lose sight of their role as parents.

The needs that arise in adolescence such as: listening, attention, accompaniment in the change of stage due to the loss of childhood, needs for belonging and discovery or formation of identities, among many other issues, could remain as unresolved needs in this stage. Possibly they intensify when painful emotions become entrenched before the divorce and later they tend to be triggered in any way and/or at the same time reinforce themselves with the unresolved needs in the childhood.

The adolescent could emotionally collapse when the father/mother stops being parents and gets lost in the game of egocentric needs to be covered by sons/daughters. Who can become the squires of the emotional battles of two people, who have nothing to do with the parent-child relationship.

In this way, a transgression of the order of the family system can be presented as mentioned above. When vibrationally son/daughter happens to occupy the place of couple or father/mother of the adults who divorced or the father of one of their brothers/sisters, if any, increasing the experience of violence.

When two people are romantically related, in one way or another (on an unconscious level), their emotions are triggered. emotional traces of: needs, deficiencies, guilt and/or shame that could have been marked in childhood and/or adolescence. The ailment of fear, pain, loss, rupture, abandonment, rejection, betrayal, hatred, rancor and/or unresolved resentment in the individual experience is activated. By not becoming aware of the need to manage and/or mediate these emotions, the event of separation or divorce, tends to detonate and have a harsh impact on each and every one of those involved in the system familiar.

Just like divorces when there are young sons/daughters, the adolescent son/daughter is left in the middle of a rupture, from which he does not belongs to and tends to be taken as an ally object to cover needs, interests and in a certain way punish the opposing party (father mother).

What is the phenomenon of parental alienation for you, and to what extent is it frequent in divorces with couples with children?

I consider parental alienation the effect of the battle of egos and the education of the patriarchal system. One of the strongest acts of violence and serious consequences imperceptible to the naked eye.

Clarifying that the patriarchal system is seen as the belief system that governs statutes, correspondences and ways of seeing in the human experience. According to the benefit of interested parties around the need for the acquisition of power and authority. Whoever is the dominant party.

In an unconscious look at the absences of: self-knowledge, self-observation, self-responsibility, high self-esteem and/or the absences of inner strength. With the reactive need for control and manipulation as a survival mechanism, due to unresolved emotional wounds and traces. Like betrayal, vulnerability in the childhood experiences of adults. Sons/daughters are usually perceived as objects to cover deficiencies, needs. Means of claims, hatred, revenge and/or resentments or demonstrating power.

This is probably perceived at a high frequency, when the gaze rests on the social indicators of the increase in divorces (mismanaged), the increase in violence, loss of responsibilities and so many more pains of the system social. Or it could be seen less frequently, when the gaze falls on those who put their will and take the experience in their hands with a perspective on the transformation and resolution of their own conflicts.

A parental alienation can occur energetically in the loyalties of the sons / daughters towards one of the authority figures of the family structure, without there being a manifestation of a divorce. When there is a rupture and/or dissolution of the marital bond. Unconsciously, when the sons/daughters are seen as part of the property, as objects of desire or a means to cover needs. You can glimpse an alienation from the same active principle by putting the adjective "my" before the word sons / daughters.

When "me" or "my" is only an identifier to record what system or structure a person, whoever they are, is part of with freedom of movement. Nothing related to "property".

In etymology, alienating refers to "taking away another's identity." The root of infant is added, which refers to the “refusal to speak” and childhood to the “inability to speak and/or express oneself”. And the word child does not have an etymological root, which could have arisen as an idiom in the face of "communication needs" and at the same time a reference from the feminine is not marked.

From this it is obtained that by combining the symbolic references of the origin of the word boy/girl, it can be interpreted that they are not seen as people (subjects) and are considered incapable of expressing themselves (publicly, as children and adolescents are part of the private sphere (family), for which reason parents speak and decide for they).

Parental alienation leads to the sons/daughters losing autonomy and identity before the force of authority established by the patriarchal belief system. Faced with a dissolution of the bond, the son/daughter activates loyalties with the figure with whom they have the greatest need or emotional connection and with whom energetically it is her turn to have a stronger experience or greater emotional energy movement, whether she stays in the daily care of that father/mother or not. This Emotional Energetic Movement occurs to generate intrapersonal energetic growth (which is not seen that way, the problem arises from this).

It could be interpreted that, faced with the loss of identity as subjects of rights, boys/girls tend to lose the identity of the role of son/daughter, with it, the paternal-filial connection and become part of the possessions of one of the parties that formed the couple in quarrel. Where the emotions of boys/girls and adolescents in their role as son/daughter are encapsulated, gestating and entrenching possible sequelae in their "intra" and interpersonal relationships.

And thus, vicious circles of naturalized violence are generated.

When does the situation stop? It lasts until the person arrives with enough strength and determination, with the life function of seeing, acknowledging and listening to the emotional pain that they carry from the family system of which they are a part. To give it a voice, let out and heal one of the many wounds it may carry, energetically speaking. That person could be a son/daughter, grandson/granddaughter, great-grandson/great-granddaughter, great-great-grandson/great-granddaughter, etc. or another person energetically aligned to the system by experience.

There are two ways to give voice to violence: from Love or pain. The question that remains in the air here is: How aware and responsible do you decide to be before the experience of a separation to take him from an emotionally mature look with the accompaniment suitable or not. With the aim of freeing sons/daughters from the pain that both parents carry in their experience as people in the marital bond? Or, how unconscious do you decide to be, due to resistance and fear of feeling what you have to see, and you end up passing the baton of pain and emotional situations not resolved to the sons/daughters to be carried by the parents, where the son/daughter probably loses their own function as people and in this experience of life?

Managing divorce proceedings without acting in a way that is very painful for the sons/daughters can be very complex, especially if the relationship between those who are separated is conflictive and the sons/daughters are in the middle, what advice would you give for cases So?

I consider that the first advice and one of the first golden rules, if not the only rule, is implicit in the question.

Stop putting sons / daughters in the middle. That place does not belong to them, they are not part of a divorce. The marital bond is dissolved, due to the absence of self-responsibilities, perhaps because none of the parties involved met the expectations and needs of the other. From the belief that it is the other who has to give and provide care, attention and love. Put your sons/daughters before you as a shield and in the middle of a -dispute- for power (which is not their turn), depending on the "side" in which the son/daughter stays, they will feel what the authority figure with whom you stay and/or stop being, may feel, perhaps as a mechanism to generate "empathy" and be able to dissociate the pain from the event or out of loyalty.

For example, in the cases of a mother or father, who could have activated the emotion of abandonment of the couple. The trend arises that the son / daughter who stays with him / her, can activate the emotion of abandonment towards the father / mother who is no longer in her eyes as a family. Where a series of claims, resentments and pains could be generated around the father / mother. Which do not have to be and are lived as real.

In the event that the father / mother cannot deal with her grief and pain and decides to cut off communication and the total relationship with the son / daughter, it is part of the father / mother to take responsibility for it. More than that, the father/mother who stays, does not have to hold on to sons/daughters affecting them, as a means of claiming their own pain towards the ex-partner. Another rule from the individual point of view is to leave the game: victim-victimizer. Both people (couple) have personal interests to satisfy. And they harm the people who coexist in the experience or in the same sphere: the sons/daughters.

If the phrase "I don't want to harm them" is real, it's time to act from honesty. A separation does not harm as long as that is not the unconscious reason for which you decide to divorce. That is to say, giving an example, a dissolution due to infidelity, from where the couple triggers the dissolution of the link Seeing the situation as an experience that requires introspection to find the message that brings? o Is it seen from fear, frustration, jealousy, impotence, resentment and/or hatred and the decisions of what to do, are made from personal revenge without thinking about anyone else?

Another guideline is to know that according to the emotional vibration with which a decision and/or action is taken, it is the impact that will be generated on the other side and the response that will be returned. From this arises the importance of being aware that when the event of a "divorce" begins to become emotionally painful and mentally chaotic. Regardless of the level of pain and chaos that may arise or the pride and dignity that may surpass. It is necessary to recognize that the situation is getting out of control and it is time to consider taking psychotherapeutic accompaniment. Perhaps they do not have the skills to manage or perhaps they do, however, the triggers unconscious that manifest reactively, may generate a blockage that impacts decision-making decisions.

When I refer to "control", I am not referring to manipulation control to move the situation to cover personal and/or individual interests at convenience. But from the containment of the event, where each part is responsible for the part that corresponds and it is up to him to resolve in favor of the common welfare of the family system that was formed in his moment. A system that is on its way to change, but not to disappear or disintegrate.

In recognition of how do I look? How do I feel about what I see? and what do I think? It is the key point to recognize if psycho-emotional support is required. Which will allow us to see what emotional traces are being reactivated, which, in the event of divorce and the cultural absence of conscious self-observation, cannot be seen.

In order to guarantee honesty, coherence and in the conviction of maintaining the well-being of the sons/daughters and of oneself during the process.

Willingness to open perspective and recognize that, in cases of pain and mourning, such as divorce and/or breakups emotional in the bond, marks in advance an emotional break in the sons / daughters that make up the structure familiar. Rupture that they already bring, derived from vibratory codes that are given by unconscious patterns and / or family loyalties. Therefore, the look of the separation requires to be comprehensive, not from the egocentric unconscious needs. But from the point of view of recognition of the experience as a means of resolving unresolved emotional situations that require attention. View divorce as an experience that occurs so that there is both personal and structural growth. Not as a life failure, because life is not that.

What are the main intervention strategies and techniques used in therapy to address cases of divorce with young children?

I consider that the primary or primordial measures for a conflict resolution is self-observation and self-knowledge. Each person is the nucleus of her experiences and emotional traces, therefore, only in her is the entrance and exit door solutions to situations in crisis, to be able to see the chaos that caused the rupture, from a compassionate and understanding. That allows directing the order and psycho-emotional integration of each of the people who at the time formed a marital bond. Which will allow them to have personal growth and advance to their next experiences without generating a division of the sons / daughters towards the other father / mother.

Therefore, there are different criteria to address a situation of separation, because each experience is unique in each individual. It is approached from the interests and needs to be solved by each party from being people where each one is a reflection of himself, of the other and of the experience itself. And it is up to them to take responsibility for that part that corresponds to them.

There are a series of points or issues to be resolved that need to be addressed in the separation of the relationship, which could expand perspectives and transform the focus of the divorce experience, to guarantee the well-being of the sons/daughters through any age:

Reconfigure the concept of family. Given the belief that the only thing that exists is a traditional family (father/mother-sons/daughters), when this is no longer the case, a series of of guilt and internal fears that could increase the crisis and chaos of the event in the face of beliefs and expectations of what "should" be. Families can be traditional, headed by a woman or a man, composed, extended, of one person, blood or natural. It is the way in which each member has unconsciously integrated the meaning of family, the needs, pains and situations to be resolved around it, where she has to focus. Before the position of the ideal vs the real.

See the separation as a life experience that has a message to say for emotional growth. Instead of being seen from the failures and / or frauds.

Integrate the recognition of the lacks and unresolved needs in infancy and / or childhood, that each adult carries in his life experience with his primary affective figures.

Recognize that the other (partner) is required to satisfy their own needs and shortcomings affective, which are generating impotence and frustration by not covering the interests and expectations personal.

Recognize that when the other person stops "filling", it is due to the emptiness that is carried inside and that nothing and no one can satisfy it, more than oneself. Take fear as an ally instead of an enemy.

Identify the belief system that one has in the face of separation, divorce and/or towards the other person (couple), observing how much peace it gives or how much mental crisis it can generate. Be aware that the experience is not based on what the other party (couple) says and/or does, but on the individual and personal experience of how the divorce is seen, felt and thought. It is time to auto-section the reasons why a rupture was triggered. So that each party takes responsibility for the experience and resolves in their space the crisis in which they could find themselves or be denying.

The importance of recognizing low management or lack of management, of one's own emotional needs.

The importance of the honesty of recognizing how the separation is controlled to satisfy one's own interests and needs.

Recognize when you do not have the ability to self-manage, for the well-being of all involved.

Raise awareness that the annulment of a marriage is raised, but not, the annulment of being parents (father / mother).

It is important to consider mediation and psycho-emotional accompaniment as part of a divorce. Just as a legal party is required to guarantee the security of home, food and sustenance of daughters and sons. It becomes essential to guarantee the socio-psycho-emotional well-being of daughters and sons.

Identify the sociocultural burden with which they grew up, given the meaning of divorce and everything related to it.

Identify what are the beliefs held by a divorced woman and/or man.

Identify the beliefs around children and adolescents of divorced parents.

Identify how the separation between sons and daughters is being managed.

Recognize that the break is between two "adults" who stop being a couple, not between all the members that made up a family.

Raise awareness that the family does not break, but changes its shape.

Integrate a new perspective where both the father/mother who stays with the children and the father/mother who leaves, if they have experience, will form new bonds with another person. And the children that are an extension of the first marriage will be part of two families. As long as there is an adequate management of emotions and/or accompaniment to carry out the marital separation for the well-being of sons/daughters and the parent-child bond.