Is your relationship problematic? details count

The concept of "happy couple" is significantly controversial. We cannot speak in any case of the existence of couples with a happy or problematic character per se. Instead, we could refer to members of a couple whose personal characteristics could be more similar or dissimilar.

Regarding the latter, we usually experience two wrong thoughts; either we believe that Opposites attract, or, we insist on looking for a soul mate.

In both cases, we would tend to overlook that the key to success would be focused on the learning acceptance and adaptation skills of those characteristics of our couple that we had not considered could be present, but that are also part of the everyday life, such as: not squeezing the toothpaste bottle in the place that we do, or waking up in a bad mood because of the mornings.

So, what ingredients is the happy couple made of?

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The logic of the problematic relationship

When the first conflicts or differences appear

Some people believe that they are not in front of their better half, or that love has ended. It is at this moment when it is essential to stop and analyze what is happening, avoiding making decisions driven by a high level of emotional activation.

At this critical point for the couple's relationship, two fundamental factors will determine their destiny:

• Problem coping resources: a deficit could lead to conflictive situations as a couple.
• Communication and problem solving skills: that they will maintain or not over time, conflict situations.

Functioning of non-problem couples

The functioning of "happy" or non-problematic couples constitutes a circular process that develops as follows:

1. You manifest a nice behavior towards your partner.
2. Your partner perceives such behavior and feels motivated to behave nicely towards you.
3. As you receive nice behaviors from your partner, you are rewarded for their nice behaviors, and you also feel more motivated to behave nicely with your partner again.

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Operation of problematic couples

For his part, the functioning of conflictive couples constitutes a process in the form of a negative vicious circle:

1. You manifest unpleasant behavior towards your partner.
2. Your partner perceives such behavior and is motivated to behave unpleasantly as well.
3. As you receive unpleasant behavior from your partner, you feel hurt, and more motivated to return to behaving unpleasantly with your partner, and respond to him in the same way that he has made.

In this case, a vicious circle would develop in which you avoid doing nice things that your partner likes, because your partner doesn't do the things that you like and vice versa.

Both functioning processes, both that of happy couples and that of conflicting couples, constitute a whiting that bites its own tail.

However, once the conflictive or negative vicious circle begins, the level of emotional arousal prevents couples from stopping to analyze what is happening to identify what are the factors that maintain the problem at present and that make it last over time. In this way, we would not place the focus of attention on the origin of the problem, but on the continuation of the problem today.

At this point, we will probably detect a deficit in skills for analysis, coping or problem solving, and/or communication problems as a couple. In most cases, the origin lies in subtle conflicts, irrelevant problems, anecdotal details, to which we have given great meaning, and on which we have developed a whole series of negative emotions and dysfunctional thoughts. It is those insignificant details that often keep us away from that ideal of a happy couple.

Communicate more to resolve conflicts

Based on what we have seen, we can conclude that empathy and communication are elements that, in minimal doses, are capable of resolving many conflicts. It is worth taking into account the value of dialogue, mutual understanding and reasoned analysis of the situation.

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