Interview with Esther Jiménez García: this is how relationship problems affect us

Loving relationships of a couple are a relational and affective phenomenon that cover a large part of the day to day of those who are in one of them. This has many beneficial aspects, but it also gives rise to several disadvantages.

One of them is that relationship problems can come to us from very different fronts, and that is why there is no manual with infallible solutions to apply to all cases. Luckily, we have an effective tool that allows us to adapt to each case and have expert help: it is couples therapy.

In this case We will know the perspective of a professional couples therapist about problems of love and coexistence that affect thousands of marriages and dating relationships. We will speak with Esther Jiménez, psychologist.

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons"

Interview with Esther Jiménez: helping to overcome relationship problems

Esther Jimenez Garcia She is an expert psychologist in individual and couples therapy, and in her day to day working in the consultation who has in Madrid sees a wide variety of cases of love relationships that stagnate or come into crisis. Here he talks about managing relationship problems from his point of view as a professional.

As a psychologist, what are the most common couple problems that come to your office?

In general, I would say that couples come to therapy primarily for conflict in areas that I will discuss here.

First of all, conflicts related to power and control: who makes the decisions, the feeling that only the needs of one member of the couple are taken into account, jealousy, etc.

On the other hand, there is the area of ​​care and closeness: the couple has been neglected, the bond has weakened, one of the members of the couple feel lonely or feel that all the burden of care falls on him or her, problems sexual...

Finally, problems associated with respect and recognition: not feeling seen or valued by the other member of the couple, breach of trust, infidelity...

Is it common for problems in couple relationships to be related to specific problems in the sexual sphere?

Yes, they are closely related. When there are problems in the relationship, the most common thing is that in the medium-long term, these problems are reflected in the area of ​​sexuality. For example, it is common to see cases of loss of sexual desire derived from relational problems.

On the other hand, sometimes, problems in the sexual sphere are the ones that generate the problem or bring to light the crisis in the couple, since they can make evident certain problems of communication, expression of affection, etc It is important to understand what it means to have a healthy relationship and sexuality for each member of the couple.

What do you think are the most common mistakes when managing coexistence in couple relationships?

I believe that on many occasions the members of the couple have unspoken pacts and assume roles in coexistence that have not been negotiated; for example, who makes economic decisions, how leisure time is distributed, housework and care.

It is possible that at the beginning of the relationship these roles worked or were not evident. With repetition, these small initial conflicts tend to grow, we make interpretations and we become more reactive. To solve them, it is essential to pay attention to the needs of each member and the couple, in order to communicate and negotiate later.

And when it comes to managing communication between the two?

Communication is one of the basic pillars for a relationship to work. I often come across couples who haven't had detailed conversations about how they want the relationship to work, their expectations, or their plan for the future.

In the first moments of falling in love, we sometimes skip certain conversations since everything seems idyllic. However, couples are constantly evolving, new needs arise on a personal level or due to vital changes (having children, changing jobs...). And suddenly, the solutions that worked previously stop working or are no longer useful. Finding yourself having the same conflict or the same argument constantly generates a lot of frustration and makes the couple feel more and more distant.

For this reason, in therapy it is essential to work on how to communicate effectively, learn to express own needs and attend to those of the other and develop the ability to negotiate in all therapy of couple. Since through good communication it is negotiated and agreements are reached that satisfy both members of the couple.

Do you think that couples therapy can serve to increase the commitment to the strength of the relationship? relationship, or is this an element that must be prior and without which you cannot advance no matter how far you go to psychologist?

The most important thing is to come with the curiosity to try something new, to find different solutions to the usual problems.

Many couples come to therapy on the verge of breaking up, the relationship is not going well, and one of the partners may not feel like coming to therapy.

We work from the beginning to restore the link between these two people, understand what they need and how to achieve it, in this way, commitment to the relationship may increase as the relationship moves from being a place of conflict to being a place of safety and growth.

Probably, the therapeutic proposals that you make when caring for each couple depend on their specific characteristics. How do you take into account the personality types of those who come to you, to adapt couples therapy to their way of being?

Each couple is a world with its own rules. We work with three parties, each member of the couple and the relationship itself.

It is important to understand each other's history, as well as the relational dynamics that generate and maintain conflict, as well as those that create harmony. I do couple sessions and individual sessions so that each one has a space to individually explore how they live their relationship. For example, their emotional schemes around relationships.

It is also important to understand if either member of the couple needs to go through an individual therapy process, since, in some cases, this would be a step prior to couples therapy.

Finally, do you think that most people have an accurate view of what couples therapy is?

I think most people see couples therapy as the last resort, the place you go when you've hit rock bottom. However, it does not have to be that way, as I mentioned before, relationships evolve over time and we can actively collaborate to keep the relationship in shape.

Imagine someone who starts going to the gym and does a series of exercises, and 10 years later is still doing exactly the same thing, do you think this person will continue to progress or stagnate? The same thing happens with relationships, you have to cultivate them, renegotiate, adapt and evolve with them, therapy is a wonderful opportunity to do this.

I also see that people think that they are going to be judged, or that I am going to take sides in their dispute, and this is not the case. I act as an external observer, I help them see their dynamics from the outside, from another perspective, and by looking from another point of view, we discover new solutions.

In summary, there is no need to wait until things are very bad, even a couple that is in a stable moment can develop tools that promote the relationship.