How does divorce affect children according to their age?

Relationships are never easy. Many times what seemed like it could last a lifetime stops working, making the decision to end the relationship.

Separation or/and divorce may or may not be a complicated process and cause profound suffering to one or both members of the couple. However, when the couple in question has children, it is necessary to take into account that it will also have an effect on their lives. That parents discuss the issue with them calmly and normalizing the situation is essential so that they can process it. But keep in mind that a four-year-old does not have the same cognitive capacity as a ten-year-old.

In this article we are going to look at How can divorce affect children according to their age? or how it can be interpreted according to age. We will also see how this delicate topic can be discussed with them.

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children in divorce

The divorce process can be complex for a child to understand

. The little one may not understand why her parents no longer want to be together when they have always been, or even think that he or she may have been to blame for her parents separating. Discussing the issue with them is essential.

No matter how old you are. It is necessary for him to know that the divorce is not for something for which he is responsible, that his doubts be resolved and that it be explained to him clearly and adjusted to her abilities. He should be allowed to be bad and not criminalize his emotions regarding the situation, but limits and routines should not be eliminated for that. In addition it is important not to try to turn him against the other parent, and unless there are reasons to do so, allow contact between the minor and both parents.

It must be taken into account that the minor may react by expressing different emotions and thoughts, or it may be a shock that initially causes him to not have a reaction. The child may take time to manifest the pain, as she may enter a state of mourning and initially deny that the divorce is going to happen. It is important to ensure that the process is lived in a normalized way and with the least possible stress, Well, if the divorce is not well handled and treated at home, it can generate frustration and anxiety. Taking the paperwork forever or trying to pretend that nothing is happening can also prolong the situation and cause more suffering.

On the other hand, it must be understood that although the divorce of the parents is a painful event for the minor, this does not have to assume that the boy or girl have some kind of subsequent trauma, especially considering that nowadays it is common to see minors with divorced or separated parents. In fact, the management of the event and how it is represented and lived in the home is more important than the fact of the separation itself.

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Psychological effects on minors of parental separation 

The following indicates how the divorce can be taken by children of different ages and some slight indications of how the communication of the decision to divorce could be tried.

1. Divorce in children under two years

When the divorce occurs at a time when the son or daughter is a baby, he or she does not have sufficient intellectual capacity to understand what is happening. However, changes in the routines and the emotional state of the parents can be detected, which can cause fear, sadness, aggressiveness and crying.

The most important thing at this age is that the minor does not perceive the separation as an abandonment on the part of one of her parents, it being necessary for both of them to be able to access the minor with sufficient frequency. You can also be given an explanation of the situation, using tight and simple language.

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2. When they are two to three years old

It is at this stage of development that children begin to acquire speech and motor skills, as well as various milestones in the acquisition of cognitive skills. It is frequent that regressions appear in the skills learned by the child as a result of stress, as enuresis or encopresis. They tend to be more shy and have nightmares.

They also begin to be aware of their emotions but still without knowing how to express them correctly. It is common for them to feel abandoned, or to fantasize about the return of their partner.

At this evolutionary moment It is helpful to help him express his emotions.yes, motivate him and make him see that both parents appreciate him. Despite the situation, you should not stop maintaining a certain routine and the usual limits of behavior must be maintained.

3. Between three and seven years

As children grow, so do their cognitive abilities.

In this vital stage it is necessary to take into account that they are in a period in which their vision of the world starts from themselves, and in which it is also frequent that there magical thinking. In other words, they are in an egocentric phase that It can lead you to think that the breakup is your fault. and in which they may also fear that they will stop being loved. They tend to become extremely obedient and/or deny the breakup of their partner.

For this reason, at this vital stage, the divorce must be communicated in an understandable way, as well as guarantee that he is loved and will not be abandoned and that he is not to blame for the separation.

4. Between seven and twelve years of age

At this time, minors have learned that there are different perspectives and sensations apart from their own and understand that their parents may be hurting, which is why they may not communicate their thoughts to the regard. You may experience noticeable declines in your school performance or behavior problems such as fighting with other students.

At this stage, the minor understands the situation, and it is very important to explain both the situation and the changes that are going to be caused. However, they may still fantasize about the possible reconciliation of the parents, in which case it may be necessary to make them understand that this is not going to happen.

5. Teenagers and their parents' divorce

Once adolescence has arrived, the minor will gradually build her identity and will reach a greater understanding of the situations. In the context of a badly handled divorce, one of the parents may be blamed, that they experience an even greater rebellion than usual in this vital stage, that they resort to risky behaviors. They may also try to act as confidants or protect their parents.

As a recommendation at this stage, it is worth noting to communicate the situation clearly and involve him in some aspects such as custody, as well as not assigning roles that do not correspond to it and monitoring the conduct of risk.

Bibliographic references:

• Benedek, E.P. and Brown, C.F. (1999). How to help your children get through divorce. Spain: Medical Editions.

• Liberman, R. (1983). Children before divorce. Barcelona: Home of the book.

• Maganto, C. (1988). Marriage, separation, divorce and new partners. In: a. Espina (Ed.): Family relationships and their problems. University of the Basque Country. University Extension Notebooks. Publishing Service.

• Mauldon, J. (1990) The Effect of Marital Disruption on Children's Health. demography; 27(3): 431-446.

• Peterson, J.L. and Zill, Z. (1986). Marital disruption, parent-child relationships and behavior problems in children. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 48, 295-307.