Consummate love: what it is and how to achieve it in a relationship

We all want and seek to build a relationship that brings us happiness and allows us to develop as individuals. However, there are different components that we must develop if we want to find that type of ideal love.

To build a healthy relationship, it is crucial to understand that love takes different forms. For example, two people who start a relationship may be physically attracted to each other but not compatible in other important areas, so it is very likely that if you do not work on them you will experience problems in the future. In this sense, here We will see what consummate love consists of and what is needed to achieve it.

• Related article: "Psychology of love: this is how our brain changes when we find a partner"

What is consummate love?

To better understand the different types of love, psychologist Robert Sternberg developed the triangular theory of love. This framework allows us to understand the type of relationship we have built with our partner; At the same time, it specifies the basic elements of romantic love that we can try to work on to achieve a more satisfactory relationship. Ultimately, this theory makes it possible to separate superficial feelings of attraction from true love through different criteria.

According to psychologist Robert Sternberg, all love relationships are made up of three representative components: passion, commitment, and intimacy. The triangular theory of love states that these components are the basis of all love relationships. Consummated love is considered the epitome of romantic feelings, and contains all three components in equal balance..

• You may be interested in: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

Components of consummate love

Robert Sternberg's The Triangular Theory of Love was first published in 1988. This aims to elucidate the true nature of romantic relationships. Also, thanks to its conclusions, it can serve as a guide towards true and meaningful love, establishing the acquisition of a mutual commitment. According to Sternberg, consummate love is made up of three significant factors: passion, commitment, and intimacy.

1. Privacy

The intimacy comes from sharing our deepest emotions and secrets with someone. This is achieved over time; trusting the other, giving him emotional support or hugging him when he needs it. Ultimately, intimacy can be described as a feeling of security: it is the feeling of feeling safe in the company of someone. This can only be achieved by sharing genuine emotions and feelings, that is, authentic and deep.

2. Passion

For Sternberg, the passion within a relationship is much more than sexual desire; defines it as an intense need to be with someone. This component can range from feeling excited when the other returns home from work to thinking about a common future. The feeling of passion also implies wanting to make the other as happy as oneself.

3. Commitment

The commitment is the result of two important decisions. First, it involves deciding what you love and care about in the other, and then it involves deciding to continue to do so throughout the years. This element ends up establishing itself thanks to the promises kept, the other can trust without fear of make a mistake that we will always be there, both in good times and in bad times, especially in seconds. As we can see, this component arises over time and includes deep feelings of loyalty and trust.

As we see, a firm understanding of relationships and their components is crucial when it comes to love. Sternberg thoroughly explains the basis for his findings on consummated love, as well as other types of love, in a detailed framework. Based on the three components of the triangular theory of love: commitment, intimacy and passion. Sternberg, proposes eight different types of love that arise from the absence or presence of these.

The love that lacks more than one component, for example, passion and intimacy and only gives the obligation to be together, is according to Stenrnberg a reduced and basic form of romantic love. If there are two of these three components in the relationship, then it means that it is going in the right direction. However, consummate love -to which one must aspire- requires all three components.

• Related article: "Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love"

How to achieve consummate love?

Self-assessments, questionnaires, and observations are common methods of investigating love. However, love cannot be measured as we measure tangible things. Love -like other abstract concepts such as emotions- is an intangible: it cannot be touched, but we can describe its positive or negative effects.

Several studies examining Sternberg's triangular theory of love through the lens of different attachment styles, focused on investigating how the different types of relationships could predict the level of satisfaction of each of the members involved. They found that relationships with high levels of commitment and intimacy in which there was secure attachment had the highest satisfaction rates.

On the other hand, securely attached relationships tend to last longer than insecurely attached ones. These “safe” relationships contain high levels of the components of passion and commitment. Although, a direct correlation was also described between the levels of intimacy and the establishment of relationships classified as safe. However, none of these investigations looked closely at consummated love. This is because it takes a significant amount of time for couples to establish this type of relationship.

Does love make us happy?

The well-known Harvard Study of Adult Development is a longitudinal study that has examined the lives of more than 2,000 people over time. It started in Boston State in 1938 and is still running today. Its longitudinal nature has allowed researchers to discover that one of the keys to happiness is love relationships.

According to Robert Waldinger, the psychologist in charge of the study, relationships are the key to developing a healthy and happy life. During his well-known TED talk a few years ago, Waldinger stated that the clearest message that could be drawn from the research was that "good relationships keep us healthier and happier." People who maintain strong social ties are generally happier than people who are alone.

In addition, enjoying a loving relationship makes people stay healthier. The study shows that middle-aged people who said they were more satisfied with their relationships had better cholesterol readings than those in less satisfying relationships.

As we see, there is a strong and positive correlation between love and happiness; so it's worth looking for. However, perfect love does not happen overnight; it takes time to develop. Also in some cases it can stay for a while and then fade away.

To help us develop consummate love we have to explore, together with our partner, the three points of Sternberg's triangle (passion, commitment, and intimacy) over a period of time dragged on. Once these three components are present, love is considered complete and satisfying.

consummated love today

Social norms regarding romantic relationships have changed dramatically over time. This is because the new generations have radically altered the way their parents and grandparents saw and understood love. According to a study carried out in 2017, only 43% of young people between the ages of 21 and 36 were married; If we go back to the previous generation, 78% of the members had already walked down the aisle when they were in that same age range.

However, these data on marriage do not have a direct relationship with consummated love. A survey of US citizens in 2018 reflected that 64% of the participants said they felt happy and satisfied in their romantic relationships. As shown through Sternberg's love triangle theory and various surveys, we could say that today's youth delay the engagement point of the triangle, a decision that leads them to spend more time with their partner and get to know each other better before committing to long term. Consciously exploring the different vertices of the triangle is the key to building consummate love relationships.