Almudena Fernández: "It is very important to take care of our attachment to our children"

The way in which we interact with the environment and with others, as well as the way in which the world exterior interacts with us, is a key factor in understanding how we develop during childhood.

And it is that in the first years of development we are very sensitive to what happens to us, and also to the type of relationships we establish with others. An example of this is childhood attachment, a determining psychological phenomenon in the way we develop and we become adults. To talk about this topic, we have interviewed the psychologist Almudena Fernández Ayensa.

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Interview with Almudena Fernández Ayensa: attachment and its importance in child development

Almudena Fernandez Ayensa She is a health psychologist who is an expert in caring for adults, children and adolescents, and attends her consultation in Alcobendas and also online. In this case, she tells us about one of the most important phenomena in the field of Developmental Psychology: the attachment developed during the first months of childhood.

How would you define what is attachment established during childhood?

Attachment is the type of relationship that the child establishes with main caregivers; she is usually usually the mother.

This bond is very important, since it conditions the future personality of the child, and how her future relationships will be. The stage that most influences future personality is from pregnancy to three years, which is when the child is more dependent and his brain is in formation, but at any age it is very important to take care of the attachment with our children to prevent problems futures.

Why is the relationship that is created between the baby and her parents important for her development?

The three fundamental pillars of attachment are, first of all, giving our children security, making them feel that we are behind them, protecting them, and in case of any problem they have, if they ask us for help, we will answer. In this way the child learns to feel safe, which helps him to accept controlled risks and to ask for help.

Another important pillar is to help him explore, not overprotect him. The child learns by experimenting, we must let him try to do things by himself and only help him when he asks us to. In this way he will increase your curiosity, reflective thinking, your tolerance for frustration and his self-esteem. Nothing makes you feel more proud than having overcome a challenge.

Finally, understand him and connect with him, both at the thought and emotional level. We must create a climate of trust, so that the child feels safe to tell us about the things that happen to them and worry them. Also help you understand and regulate your emotions, since children are not born with this capacity, but rather it is something they learn from their parents. In this way, in the future, he will be a psychologically healthier person, he will learn to trust others and will be more open and tolerant in their relationships, having grown up without being judged and with parents empathic.

How are trauma based on childhood experiences, on the one hand, and attachment arising from interaction with family, on the other, related?

Recent research shows that they are closely related. In this sense, there are four types of attachment.

Secure attachment appears when the child grows up in an environment of affection and security without overprotection; They are normally people who do not have psychological problems in adulthood, unless they have suffered some traumatic experience, such as accidents, ectopic catastrophes, and yet they have more resources and overcome them more easily than people who have not grown up in an environment close and safe.

Disorganized attachment occurs when the child has suffered some type of maltreatment, physical or psychological, abuse, abandonment or intrusion; there is a possibility of more than 80% that as an adult this child will develop some type of pathology.

Then there is anxious attachment, which occurs with very worried parents, who tend to overprotect their children; As adults they will tend to be anxious, the world will seem dangerous to them, they will be more immature than their peers, and they will be more dependent.

Avoidant attachment is characterized by having cold and distant parents with their children: they pay little attention to them, especially emotional, they focus above all on results. They are not very empathetic. Your children will tend to be hyper-demanding, they will frequently have anxiety problems, not knowing how to regulate their emotions, and depression when they do not achieve their goals.

As a psychologist, have you seen many cases in which the attachment formed in childhood explains part of the problems that affect patients and adults?

Yes, almost all of my patients have problems with the attachment received in their childhood, this greatly influences the way they see the world, and their current relationships with their children and their couples.

Some people think that the attachment they received cannot be changed, and that the way their parents treated them is hopeless. But this is not true, the attachment received can be repaired, no matter how badly our parents have done it. In this way we will avoid giving a bad attachment to our children.

Is it common for children who have not developed an adequate type of attachment to be able to overcome by themselves, without professional psychological help, the problems that come their way due to this?

Without professional help, I don't think so. Attachment can be repaired, but it is a job that requires effort and perseverance and work, always that is possible with the entire context of the child: parents, school, as well as with the child, for supposed.

If you don't work, the problems usually get worse over time, and it's a shame, since with children it's much easier to get good results, and we can avoid many future problems.

How can psychotherapy work to help people who have developed dysfunctional attachment patterns?

The technique I use is The Circle of Safety. This technique helps parents to identify the needs of their children and satisfy them, so that as we are more efficient understanding our children, they behave better, they are safer and happier and the relationship with them improvement. We also teach parents to set limits, and help children regulate their emotions.

With adults I begin by identifying from their history the possible mistakes that their parents have committed with them, that is, if they have had absent, demanding, very critical, little affective parents...

Later, with EMDR therapy, I am repairing the dysfunctional memories that have given rise to the current problems at the same time they are gone. installing resources that the person has not been able to learn in their childhood due to not having adequate models, such as social skills or regulation emotional. In this way, the patient can have an acquired secure attachment model, and in the future he will face problems with more resources and in a more secure way.