How to identify an emotional manipulator?

Knowing how to identify emotional manipulation, also known as psychological manipulation, is one of the keys to maintain healthy personal relationships and avoid those influences that damage us mentally and nullify our individuality.

The latter is especially important if we talk about relationships or friendships, because this type of Affective bonds have a great capacity to distort our perception of reality, influencing our emotions. In fact, there are those who assume as normal that those who are manipulating them make all the important decisions, and they trust their criteria more than their own.

But… How to identify an emotional manipulator? In this article we will see what are the characteristics of manipulative people, what strategies they use, and some tips to deal with these relationships.

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Signs to identify an emotional manipulator

Not all conflicted and problematic personal relationships are based on confrontation and overt hostility; many times, they put on a carefully crafted veneer of kindness to “get into the head” of people. people and, thus, limit their freedom and erode their ability to defend their own interests and their opinions.

This type of relational dynamics are those that occur where emotional manipulation occurs, a phenomenon that can be considered psychological violence if it significantly threatens the quality of life of the victim and/or occurs frequently for long periods of time periods.

There are three types of psychopathologies that can give rise to this tendency to try to manipulate others: narcissistic personality disorder, on the one hand, and antisocial personality disorder, on the other. In both cases we find marked traits of psychoticism, which is characterized by a lack of consideration for the well-being of others and a certain predisposition to focus one's attention solely on one's own short-term needs. medium term. To a lesser extent, people with borderline personality disorder may also show a predisposition to this behavior. However, it is not necessary to have developed a mental disorder to engage in dynamics of emotional manipulation.

Below you will find a summary of the warning signs to identify a manipulator emotional relationship in friendship, partner, family, or even between fellow students or job.

1. Paternalism

Paternalism leads these people to not treating the manipulated person with dignity, but that the treatment is that of an adult who cares for a child or an adolescent. That means that even when they put on their most friendly face, there are traces of condescension and a lack of consideration for the other's point of view.

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2. Tendency to egocentrism

Egocentrism is a tendency to think almost solely of one's own interests and needs. These people like to talk mainly about themselves, and are only interested in the well-being of others if it helps them to they give in to their requests, raised in a matter of minutes or a few hours after having shown that apparent interest in the neighbor.

3. Lack of empathy

The lack of empathy is reflected in the problems when it comes to putting yourself in the place of others not only intellectually, but also emotionally. This means that manipulative people frequently make hurtful comments, many of which are made without being aware that they will feel bad (although other attacks of this type are deliberate and have the objective of nullifying the other person, such as we will see).

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4. They offer a feeling of exclusivity in that relationship

The traits of narcissism linked to this type of psychological profile make these people believe that they deserve special treatment.. For this reason, many behave as if it were a privilege to be by their side. This, in addition, is useful for them to manipulate others, since it helps them create the impression that the simple fact of having their acceptance is a reason to be grateful.

But generating the feeling of exclusivity does not mean always falling into promoting a certain elitism; other people prefer to enhance the feeling of guilt in the face of the possibility that the victim will abandon them; in these cases, they reinforce the idea that if this break in the relationship occurs, the manipulative person will die or lose practically everything. What both forms of manipulation have in common is that they give rise to the idea that cutting off that relationship means a plummet both morally and socially, and that the most appropriate thing is not to break with the dynamic present.

What manipulation techniques does the emotional manipulator use?

These are the most common manipulation techniques:

1. Teasing and jokes about the victim's opinions, beliefs, and interests

The fact of taking our opinions and ideas with humor, with mockery or with paternalism It is a form of infantilization, so that we internalize that they are "the adults" in the relationship and that our opinions and decisions do not deserve to be taken seriously.

2. Generate a feeling of guilt if we do not do what they ask

Manipulative people adopt a passive-aggressive communication style when they see that we do not give in to their requests; that way, they make us feel remorseful when we say no.

3. gaslighting

Gaslighting consists of cause the psychologically manipulated person to question their own mental faculties and/or intelligence. It serves to make him assume that the manipulative person should be the one who makes the decisions, and who knows better than anyone what is best for both of them.

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4. Create fear of abandonment

Manipulative people take advantage of the effect their actions have had on the victim's self-esteem to make him believe that if that relationship breaks up, one of the two will be able to get over it, but the other will be completely helpless to not being able to fend for herself and rebuild her life.

5. Socially isolate the victim of psychological manipulation

All of the above is combined with a process of social isolation imposed on the victim: she is made to feel guilty if she does not cut her friendly relationships and if you do not reduce contacts with your family to a minimum, so that in this way you become even more dependent on the manipulative person.

Effects of emotional manipulation in couple relationships

As we have seen, emotional manipulation is more harmful when the emotional bond we maintain with the person who is manipulating us is closer; This means that relationships are the ones that have the greatest potential to harm us if we are with a manipulative person. Therefore, it is convenient that you take into account the effects of emotional manipulation in the context of marriages and courtships, as this will help you detect when it occurs and is affecting you mentally; The sooner you react to these harmful dynamics, the better.

These are the main psychological consequences that she has psychological manipulation.

• Wear self-esteem.
• It can lead to questioning one's own mental health.
• Predisposes to accept other forms of abuse (this is seen as a necessary evil).
• It generates a strong feeling of loneliness: the victim feels misunderstood and isolated.
• It annuls one's own individuality and prevents carrying out processes of personal development.

What to do with manipulative people?

These tips are guidelines to know how to act before manipulative people:

1. Review your memories of experiences shared with that person

Taking a critical perspective, recall experiences that you have had together and in which you suspect that there was emotional manipulation. In doing so, ask yourself key questions: Was I given the necessary time and resources to establish my point of view and make a decision? Was my initial opinion respected? Did I make that decision based on fear of rejection?

By doing this, you will strengthen your self-esteem and experience a process of empowerment that will help you go through the rest of the steps to continue mitigating a good part of the effects that emotional manipulation has had in you

2. learn to say no

Get in the habit of firmly defending your refusals to do what you are expected or encouraged to do. About your individuality, the last word is yours, and you shouldn't apologize for not doing what doesn't build on a prior commitment. If you need it, go to the psychologist to teach you assertiveness techniques.

3. Don't let them pressure you to make decisions

If you are not sure what decision to make and you notice that the person who is manipulating you is pressuring you to choose the right one as soon as possible, option that she wants, assume that this is a sign that, precisely, it would be good for you to give yourself more leeway to reflect about it. A "I'll think about it" can save you a lot of trouble.

4. Flag unacceptable behaviors as they occur

Don't let the time pass between when you notice you're being treated unfairly and when you point out that you're not happy with that person's behavior. If you put it off, it is more likely that you will not dare to take the step, and you will also give them room to make excuses or claim that you do not remember what happened well.

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