How to improve self-esteem after a breakup? 5 tips

Breakups can be traumatic. Two people who loved each other very much can go on to hate each other very deeply, highlighting each other's flaws and saying things they will regret.

Others, on the other hand, can be more peaceful, but even so the self-esteem of both lovers can be damaged. It is not easy to pretend to feel good after sharing a long time with a person and now they are no longer by our side. We feel incomplete.

Next We will see how to improve self-esteem after a breakup, looking at some tips and strategies to follow so that we do not sink emotionally or have a very bad vision of ourselves after a separation.

• Related article: "Do you really know what self-esteem is?"

How to improve self-esteem after a break in love?

Separating is a disruptive situation, one of the most stressful that can be experienced. When we break up, whether it's a courtship or a marriage, we enter a phase in which we have to readjust, now without the company of a person we loved very much. In these situations it usually happens that the rupture is not peaceful and that before it happened there were several discussions in which both lovers highlighted all the other's flaws, hurting him and making him feel evil. What can be said in these fights affects our self-esteem.

It can also happen that the break has been calmer, in which both lovers have taken an adult position and realistic, considering that the breakup was something inevitable and that it was better to do it in the most peaceful way possible. Both understood that each one should continue on their way, without hurting each other and without burdening each other. Even so, seeing that person who has been part of our life for a long time leave does not feel good and awakens all kinds of unknowns, fears and fear of not being loved again.

In both types of breaks it is normal that during the first weeks we describe ourselves in a somewhat negative way, we compare ourselves with others to convince ourselves of how unhappy we are for being alone and despair floods us. We become even more overwhelmed when we see that the life project that we had planned with that person no longer is going to be carried out, with which we lose the direction of our lives a bit without knowing exactly what do.

All these feelings indicate that our self-esteem is on the floor and that the breakup is to blame for this. Fortunately we can follow a few tips and strategies to recover from the separation, encourage ourselves and move on.

What to do to improve self-esteem

Next we will discover how to improve self-esteem after a breakup by following the following tips and strategies.

1. Stop defining yourself based on our ex

Not even the most independent people are free from defining themselves based on their partners. It is normal that during the time we were dating someone we defined ourselves as "boyfriend of..." or "husband/of...". We were people with a partner, people who represented 50% of a love pairing which influenced our way of acting, speaking, dressing and even thinking.

But now the situation has changed. That pairing is broken and the person with whom we defined ourselves is no longer there, ceasing to be part of our lives and we are no longer part of theirs. This is why it is best to put an end to any definition related to that person, that is, not to define ourselves as the ex of our ex-partner.

From now on we must be only ourselves, people who have their qualities and their own lifestyle. Gone are the days when what we did and what we stopped doing was decided based on whether or not our partner liked it. Now we are free to plan our life and we must concentrate on discovering what we like, making it a priority.

Thinking of ourselves will strengthen our self-esteem, especially as we get used to describing ourselves as independent people. who live in the present and are not anchored to a past that, if at any time it was happy, has already ended. It is sad to remember because we know that it will be very difficult for that person to return to our side, but we must rejoice because the future is not written, and now we can write it ourselves.

• You may be interested in: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

2. Avoid talking about the ex

There is a chapter of "Sex and the City" in which the protagonist Carrie Bradshaw is shown talking with her friends Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda in different scenes. In all of them she is talking about Mr. Big, her crush, with whom she just broke up. She talks and talks about him, angry, a little sad, and also thinking about how well she's doing getting over him. Obviously, she hasn't gotten over it and her friends, fed up, decide to call her attention.

This is an example of what we should not do after breaking up. Talking about our ex, whether for better or for worse, involves remembering him and the entire relationship, as well as the reasons that caused it to end. Because of this it will be difficult for us to forget many of the defects that were mentioned in the tense discussions, in addition to being very aware that we have just been left alone and that we do not like it. So what we do is reduce our self-esteem and suffer even more.

So the best thing we can do is turn the page and stop talking about our ex. The ideal is to apply the zero contact strategy, eliminating your number, removing you from the networks social and avoid going through places where we know it usually happens, thus avoiding contact "casual". However, the zero contact technique will not work very well if we keep talking about him or her, since it is like "resurrecting" the ghosts of a past relationship.

We must not fall into the mistake that by talking about him we are going to get over the break more quickly.. At first we have our right and it can even help us to vent, but repeating the same story over and over again, which is still our vision of the breakup, is not going to help us. Nor should we think that the more people we talk to about the problem, the more opinions and perspectives we will receive and, therefore, we will be able to have a more objective view of the situation. It is a break, it is not objective, it is a loving relationship that has not worked out. Please, do not turn in rounds.

3. Take care of health and appearance

Who has not seen the following scene in a movie or series? A man or a woman has just broken up. He is sad, in bed. If it's a woman, we usually see her in her pajamas, without her make-up or with smeared eye shadow, disheveled, eating a tub of ice cream, chocolates and wine. In the case of the man it is not very different, only that he is unshaven, disheveled, with a robe with holes in it and prefers binge on something salty, usually pizza, though the ice cream mixed with beer combo can also be.

It's perfectly normal to feel and behave this way after a breakup. We can spend a few days isolating ourselves from the world, without taking care of ourselves and simply trying to cheer ourselves up by resting and eating. However, as the weeks go by, this "funny" and pathetic scene becomes is a clear example of a depressed person, that it is difficult for him to get out of the rut and he needs help. For this reason, and by way of prevention, it is essential to take care of our physical and mental health.

Health and self-esteem are closely related. The neglect of the body and the soul makes us feel worse, that we cannot see ourselves in the mirror nor do we want to relate to other people something that is very problematic since the social sphere plays a very important role in our self-esteem, encouraging and valuing us positively. It is not a secret that how others value us influences our personal satisfaction.

Since breakups are situations that can involve a lot of stress It is more important than ever to take care of our mental health, especially by going to a psychologist. Also, if it has happened that when we were breaking up with our partner we did not go to some appointments with our doctor, now is the best time to go.

We must exercise and watch our eating habits, making sure that we lead a healthy lifestyle. We are what we eat and, therefore, we should not eat unhealthy foods that will harm both our physical and psychological health. It is essential to exercise to protect ourselves from problems associated with a sedentary life, such as obesity and diabetes.

Physical activity will help us feel better about ourselves since, although physical exercise does not cure depression, it does act as a protective factor and gives us a sense of well-being causing hormones such as serotonin, endorphins and dopamine to be released, which are like a neurochemical shot of happiness, pleasure and satisfaction. Sport will make us have a good physique and, although body image is not everything in this life, it certainly helps to have a very good self-esteem.

We must also take care of our appearance. Even if we are not going out, it is essential that we dedicate a few minutes a day to take care of our personal image. You have to shave, shower, put on makeup, comb your hair, put on creams and take care of yourself in the many ways that There is so that we like the image we see in the mirror and, consequently, our self-esteem is increased. Self-esteem depends on how others see us and also how we see ourselves and like ourselves.

4. Less virtual life and more real life

Social media is a double-edged sword. On the one hand they imply certain benefits, such as meeting new people, being in contact with our loved ones and friends and knowing what is happening in the world. On the other hand, they have the disadvantage that they are very addictive, making us waste a lot of time and, especially, running the risk of seeing the profile of our ex, remembering the time we were with him as well as imagining what we would be doing if we appeared in his latest post.

The idea is not to completely renounce social networks but to restrict their use. The ideal is to stop using them for a while and using only instant messaging services or calling to meet our friends, family and friends. This way we will avoid seeing our ex's profile, compare ourselves with his new partner in case he has it, and reduce self-esteem because of it. It is also advisable to remove him from the friends list.

Our self-esteem will benefit if we have a shorter virtual life and a longer real life. Let's try to focus on new activities discovering what we think we might like and what we didn't do when we were dating for fear that he wouldn't like it or because we didn't have time. The time has come to try a new sport, take a walk, paint, read, meet friends... There are endless of possibilities and all of them can serve us to expand our self-concept and improve our self-esteem.

5. connect with ourselves

Now that we've broken up, it's hard to avoid seeing it as if we've lost a part of our lives, since it really is. Someone with whom we surely planned to spend the rest of our lives has left our side. We can change the situation and see it as a great weight lifted off our shoulders and we can connect with ourselves: Let's pay attention to what we want, listen to our desires and attend to our personal needs.

Now is the time to start personal projects that we couldn't start because the “couple” project monopolized all our attention. We can take a notebook and write down goals that we have always wanted to complete, assess how likely it is to carry them out, and encourage a friend or trusted person to help us achieve them. Whether it's writing a book, getting fit, learning a language or anything else, both the process as its acquisition will improve our self-esteem making us see that we are people capable of many things.

Connecting with ourselves not only involves discovering what we want, but also knowing who we are. A very useful exercise at this point is to take a piece of paper and write down on it 5 positive characteristics and 5 negative characteristics of ourselves. The idea of ​​this exercise is to improve our self-esteem by seeing the positive we have, but without denying that, as Like anyone else, we have negative points that we can work on to become better people.

Bibliographic references:

• Aragon, R.S. and Cruz, R.M. (2014). Causes and characterization of the stages of romantic mourning. Psychological Research Act, 4(1): pp. 1329 - 1343.
• Weissman, M., Markowitz, J. and Klermann, G. (2000). Comprehensive Guide to Interpersonal Psychotherapy. Basic Books.
• Blummer, M. L. C., Hertlein, K. M., & Vanden Bosch, M. L. (2015). Towards the development of educational core competencies for couple and family therapy technology practices. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 37(2), 113-121. doi: 10.1007/s10591-015-9330-1
• Celano, M. (in press). Competencies in couple and family psychology for Health Service Psychologists. In Fiese, B. (Ed.), APA Handbook of Contemporary Family Psychology. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.