Interview with María Huertas: the link between self-esteem and life as a couple

In couple relationships there is a double game. On the one hand, the well-being produced by coexistence and the loving bond has to do with the interaction between the two people, and on the other hand, another, it cannot be denied that many of the things that affect the relationship have to do with characteristics of each one of the people for separate.

Thus, the individual and the common overlap, and sometimes this makes the problems that appear in that courtship or marriage difficult to define and delimit.

An example of this is the way in which self-esteem and life as a couple interact with each other., affecting each other. Poor coexistence and communication dynamics can give way to low self-esteem, and vice versa.

Luckily, although this is complicated, Psychology has been researching this type of interaction for decades. That is why there are professionals like the psychologist María Huertas Vieco, capable of explaining how this union between our way of valuing ourselves and what happens in romantic relationships occurs. On this occasion we interviewed María and asked her about this topic.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

Interview with María Huertas (Psinergia): self-esteem and well-being as a couple

María Huertas Vieco is a health psychologist and is part of the management team of Psinergia, a therapy center located in Madrid. She works helping patients of all ages, families, and couples who feel the need to improve their relationship. In this interview, María talks to us about the relationship between self-esteem and the well-being of life as a couple, and the way in which both factors affect each other.

To what extent can self-esteem problems damage a relationship?

Enormously. The self-esteem It is the result of the connection we have with ourselves, the ability we have to detect our own needs and attend to them, and the value we place on our skills and abilities.

If the connection with oneself is damaged, the connection with the other becomes difficult. Low self-esteem may cause problems in relationships, such as jealousy, insecurities, fear of abandonment, possessiveness, etc.

From your perspective as a professional psychologist, among those who go to psychotherapy to receive help with these problems, which patient profile is usually the most common?

A very common profile in consultation are middle-aged women who repeat unsatisfactory relationship patterns, in which they do not they see their affective needs covered and that, sometimes, they keep them in toxic relationships based on emotional dependence.

In these cases, their self-esteem and their attachment style make them bond out of need and not so much out of desire, maintaining relationships that do them no good.

Can someone who doesn't love himself be able to enjoy a normal sexual and affective life with someone he loves?

In general terms, not loving yourself makes it difficult to relate to other people to a certain extent, but satisfaction as a couple will also be influenced by the self-esteem of the other, the attachment styles of both, our communication styles, our past experiences, our aspirations future...

However, that does not mean that a person with low self-esteem cannot enjoy a satisfying sexual and affective life. This is a very important aspect but not enough to generate dissatisfaction in all cases.

And, while self-esteem problems persist, is it common for you to lie or hide a lot about yourself during the first months of a love relationship?

We all, to a greater or lesser extent, tend to hide certain aspects of ourselves that we are ashamed of or of which we are not aware of. we feel proud and, only when the relationship is strengthened and there is a secure bond with the other person, we feel capable of share them.

People with damaged self-esteem, and depending on the degree of affectation of it, may tend to hide more information or lie in some cases.

This will become a problem if they are kept for a long time, since not sharing certain aspects of one It will make it impossible to build intimacy and future commitment in the relationship and, therefore, there will be no security in the relationship. same.

How do you help someone whose low self-esteem is hurting their marriage or her dating? Is individual therapy usually combined with couples therapy?

To help a person with low self-esteem, it is necessary to review their personal history and detect what factors may have influenced this low self-concept.

Normally it is usually related to experiences, learning and past relationships, so there are to work to overcome the past and build a new self-concept more adjusted to reality present.

On numerous occasions we advise people who request couples therapy that they should go through a process of personal therapy first. Without working on the personal part, it is practically impossible for the relationship to be satisfactory, no matter how much the couple's bond is worked on.

What are the problems or complex aspects that a therapeutic process of this type usually has?

The greatest difficulties that we usually encounter when carrying out a therapeutic process of this type are the resistance of the patient himself to investigate past history. On many occasions these are people with a past history of trauma and it causes a lot of pain to remember some of those experiences again.

There are patients who, for this precise reason, come looking for quick strategies and tools to improve self-esteem and, although we can provide them, these are temporary patches and changes superficial.

Self-esteem and self-concept will only change at a profound level when a therapeutic process of introspection is carried out, and that requires time and large doses of courage.

And after several sessions have elapsed, in what ways do the results begin to be noticed, the progress of improvement?

As I have already said, it can be worked in two ways: at a deep level or at a superficial level. When working at a superficial level, changes and results are noticeable quickly, but they usually don't last long. On the contrary, when you work at a deep level, the changes take much longer to arrive, but it is possible that they will last a lifetime.