How to help a battered woman? 5 practical tips

Thanks to greater social awareness, there are more and more abused women who dare to raise their voices, to seek help and get it through an extensive support network, made up of friends, family members and specialists in violence against women. gender.

However, there is still much to do. Know how to help a battered woman is not a simple or delicate task, running the risk that, despite good intentions, the situation will worsen even more. Next we will see ways to address this problem.

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How to help a battered woman?

So far in 2020, there have been 34 femicides in Spain. This figure, unfortunately, will increase taking into account the forced confinement, causing many battered women to live 24/7 with their abusers. This fact is not at all encouraging if we take into account that, throughout their lives, 10% of women are mistreated by their partners, translating into 2 million women in Spain. Of all the battered women, barely 30% dare to report it.

Abuse, whether physical or verbal, has a profound impact. Unfortunately, at least at the beginning, the abused woman is not usually able to clearly see the situation in which she finds herself, despite the fact that she is well aware of all the pain she is enduring. She needs a push, from a relative or a close loved one, to make her see the light at the end of the tunnel, get her away from her abuser and take the appropriate legal measures. The process that leads them to recover their self-esteem, their value as what they are, human beings with their rights and desires, is slow, but not impossible.

In abusive relationships there are a whole relationship of dominance and submission. A relationship in which it requires a lot of courage to rebel against a man, but also a lot of support to make sure that this rebellion is not the last thing he does in life. Getting out of this dynamic is not easy and, almost always, carries risks, especially when there are physical attacks in between. In addition, the victim herself may refuse to break with the dynamic, for fear of what will happen to her children or because she believes that her partner is really going to change.

How does abuse arise?

In most cases, abuse does not start with a beating. They begin with control behaviors, evolving into the violation of privacy and, already at a more advanced stage, into physical and psychological abuse, along with isolation from friends and family.

Don't fall for the idea that the abused woman really saw it coming, but she let the abuse continue.. It happens as in the metaphor of the boiled frog: if you put a frog in a hot pot, it will jump, but, if you have put them in warm water and you have been heating the water until it boils, it will remain there.

But despite the damage, when the relationship has evolved to much more, all the abuse seems to vanish when the repentant boyfriend or husband tells her in a sweet tone that she is sorry. Although this does not make up for what she has done, the woman, physically and mentally kidnapped, forgives her executioner, blaming herself for treating him badly.

• You may be interested in: "Partner abuse: causes, effects and keys to understanding this phenomenon"

How to identify a battered woman?

While abuse is not something to be taken lightly, let alone blame any man for domestic violence, it is there are a number of indicators that can alert us that a sister, friend or acquaintance needs help.

First, there is a change in her personality. If she does not express her needs, she always gives in to what her partner tells her, she is very submissive in her presence or we have noticed that since she's dating him there's something different about her, as if she's turned off, we have reason to suspect. A very striking notice is when they say that to do anything, especially with her friends, they need to ask her partner if she's okay with her. It is an indicator that her decision-making is determined by the dominance of her boyfriend or husband.

Clothing also warns us if something is wrong. If before she went out with her new partner, our friend or acquaintance was very careful with how she was dressed, going elegant and very lively, but now it seems to be more covered and less showy, it may mean that her partner does not like how she used to go dressed. Perhaps she has made a comment like "You will not go out dressed like this", "If you love me, you will not go like this to provoke other men", etc.

Finally, if it is not possible for us to stay with her much, it may indicate that her partner is not letting her out of it. If, on top of her, you also don't see her family and we know that she was very close to her, there are reasons enough to broach the subject. In addition, the few times we have had the opportunity to see her, we have noticed her very dull, sad, with anxious symptoms.

If we see a bruise, although it does not necessarily mean that her partner mistreats her, it is an alert sign. This is especially so if she says phrases like "I'm very clueless, I fell" or "I ran into the door". It could happen, of course, but the sense of guilt is also a sign that she has suffered abuse, blaming herself for how her husband has treated her.

Intervention with the victim of abuse

Women who are battered need to understand, first of all, why they have not been able to flee from this ill-treatment on their own account or have avoided it. There are many myths about abuse, the most painful and unfair being the one that says that the women who suffer it have actually tolerated it. This is not so, since no one in her right mind would want to live through hell every day.

These people usually need a professional to help them understand how this phenomenon of forgiving the unforgivable occurs to those who believe that she loves them. They need someone to allow them to understand why every two by three they fell on that honeymoon that came after the storm. They need to be heard, without prejudice on the part of the professional.

The emotional expression of the woman victim of abuse is as important as the management and emotional reception by the professional, which will help her understand herself, working to remove the guilt and understand that she is her victim, and she never deserved that treatment.

Self-esteem is a very important aspect during therapy with victims of domestic violence, in addition to making her rethink her life, making plans for the future. Feeling fully capable and autonomous without her tormentor. This process is not easy, of course, since it will require several factors to be taken into account, such as the seriousness of the case, the duration of the abuse, the personal skills of the victim, the family and social support network, among others many.

AND In relation to the family and social support network, friends and relatives are a fundamental aspect, almost as important as psychotherapy, for the battered woman to move on. Many times, it is these relationships who notice that something is not right, and decide to act. The problem, as we already said, is that one must be especially careful, since the battered woman may be in serious danger.

The first thing she should let you know is that she has us by her side.. We must tell her that we are there for whatever she needs, and that if she has any problem she should give us a call. She may not recognize the situation, but she will already know, from the beginning, that she has someone who supports her and who she can talk to if she wants to. We have given her a step to give her the opportunity to get out of her situation. As a result of this, if there is an opportunity to meet her alone, we will be giving her the opportunity to talk, in detail, about what is happening to her.

It is very important, if she sees that she begins to isolate herself, saying more and more that she is busy or that she cannot, insist on staying, or keep calling her. On many occasions we will have to tell her things that she will not like to hear, always in private and without her partner being around. This is difficult, but we will have some opportunity to be alone and explain how we can help her live happily. The clearest sign that there may be abuse is when she tells us that she is afraid to leave her partner, because of what might happen.

It should be noted throughout the process that as family and friends, we are not experts. You have to try to take it to a women's association, get in touch with professionals on the subject who will recommend the steps to follow for the specific case, in addition to applying the necessary protocols to prevent the situation from get worse. These experts in gender violence are the ones who know how to prevent a case of abuse from becoming another number that feeds the terrible number of femicides.

Bibliographic references:

• Ruiz-Perez, I. (s. F.). Training Program for Trainers in the Gender Perspective in Health. Spain. https://www.mscbs.gob.es/ Taken from https://www.mscbs.gob.es/organizacion/sns/planCalidadSNS/pdf/equidad/04modulo_03.pdf.