The 7 protective strategies of anxiously attached people

Protective strategies or defensive mechanisms are patterns of our behavior that we always repeat in the face of specific situations that seem threatening to us. These are not real threats, but rather fears learned in childhood that accompanied us into adulthood and make us situations we may have childish or inconsistent responses, many of them in the form of these strategies protective.

A learned fear could be the fear of abandonment or rejection that is triggered when we feel that we do not meet someone's expectations. A protective strategy against this fear could be the perfectionism with which we try to prevent rejection by investing a lot time and effort in carrying out a task, to ensure that we meet all expectations and ultimately we will not be Rejected.

• Related article: "The main theories of personality"

What is anxious attachment?

We all use certain protective strategies to a greater or lesser extent, but the type of strategies we use depends a lot on our attachment style. Our attachment style developed in childhood as our psychological needs for shelter and protection, on the one hand, and for autonomy and control, on the other, were satisfied.

People who in their childhood did not experience a stable enough sense of protection and welcome, but who grew up with emotionally carers irregular, for example, or have learned that their own needs are not valid, they are more likely to develop in adult life an insecure attachment style or anxious.

This attachment style is characterized by fear of loss and abandonment that leads these people to over-adapt and adapt to any circumstance in order to prevent possible rejection.

A person with an insecure or anxious attachment believes that they do not deserve love, but have done something to earn it. In this sense, you make a lot of effort to please others, which could be your partner, your parents, friends or colleagues at work. People with an anxious attachment feel that they must constantly be aware of the relationship and of the other so that they do not leave them.

• You may be interested in: "What is attachment? Definition and types of attachment"

Protective strategies associated with anxious attachment

Attachment styles are not black and white, anxious or avoidant concepts, but rather there are scales or shades of gray, and we all fall somewhere on a scale from very avoidant to confident to very anxious. That is why it is possible that you will feel identified with some of the protective strategies described here. Well, all of us, due to the fact of being human, are afraid of abandonment and loneliness to some extent and we seek to protect ourselves in this sense.

However, in some people these strategies are more marked and are reflected in everything they do, it takes time. significant part of their day to day and significantly affects their quality of life, their personal decisions and their productivity.

1. Powerlessness and tendency to victimize

This, more than a protective strategy, is a position of people who feel very dependent on the protection and guidance of others, because they do not feel capable of acting on their own. They avoid positions of great responsibility and where they are expected to act and decide for themselves. They think that they always need help from others, such as the need for a savior or someone to make decisions for them.

It must be taken into account that protective strategies may vary depending on the setting. There are people who act very confident or independent in their work, perhaps because carrying out tasks responsibly and efficient gives them greater security, but in the couple they look for a savior and that is reflected in their relationship when they fall into the victimization.

2. perfectionism and vanity

Those who do not allow themselves to make mistakes and cannot bear receiving complaints try to protect themselves from rejection through the perfectionism. They strive so that their work and presentation is impeccable so that no one can say anything to them. In people with an anxious attachment, criticism or complaint is directly connected to the fear of abandonment. They think that if they don't do their job well, they are worthless and they are going to leave or fire them. Many times the belief of not being enough is very attached to them and thus they feel that they should always give more.

As I already described in a previous example, perfectionism is the effort to avoid criticism and rejection, trying to prevent any failure that could be claimed.

Perfectionism is sometimes considered a "good weakness" and very popular in job interviews.. When the personnel manager asks about weaknesses, a classic answer is "I'm too much of a perfectionist", Well, every employer would be happy with an employee whose only weakness is that he wants to do the best job he can. can.

But perfectionism actually has significant downsides, and most of all in the workplace. It consumes a lot of time and takes away creativity and efficiency. Very perfectionist people take too long to finish their work, some never finish it, they leave it unfinished, they don't dare to ask others or ask for help.

Vanity can be perfectionism applied to the personal image. It is more common in women because they learn from a young age that their appearance and beauty add significant value to their person. They have to look good, otherwise they won't be chosen.

3. Idealization and need for harmony

Anxiously attached people commonly avoid conflict or arguments because they don't want to make people uncomfortable. Many times they automatically assume that they are to blame or responsible for the situation and they adapt. They can't stand falling for their fear of rejection and so they paint reality as prettier than it really is, so they don't have to ask others uncomfortable questions.

So, tend to idealize others so they don't have to question them when they've done something inappropriate. They seek to maintain a harmonious relationship at all costs and thus seem somewhat naive, skilfully ignoring the famous red flags; that is, they do not react even when they are really treated badly.

The struggle for harmony as a protective strategy leads people to totally disconnect from their own needs in order to satisfy the needs of others. It is often difficult for them to identify what they really want for them, because their gaze is always directed towards the other.

4. Adhere

Another common protective strategy in people with an anxious attachment, which is shown more than anything in relationships, is the desire to cling or hold on to the other person. They act with the intention of always having the other close, even if it is begging, calling or lamenting.

Because of his extreme fear of loss, They are very sensitive to any movement and distancing from their partner.. They have a great need for recognition and affection and since they do not have much confidence in their own abilities, they want to always have someone close to them.

5. Consumption

Any form of consumption (alcohol, nicotine, drugs, impulse purchases) have the temporary effect of lower anxiety levels and lead us to a state of happiness and calm, restoring a sense of control.

Anxiously attached people are more vulnerable to falling into impulsive consumption habits., substance abuse or even addiction, since they are forms of momentary relief that do not depend on other people.

The big impact of this protective strategy generates the biochemical component. The emotional highs that we feel when buying something new, drinking at a party or taking drugs is due to the emission of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that produces brief but intense feelings of happiness and calm. But these highs are normally followed by a strong downturn, like a hangover for which we then want to consume again and thus a vicious circle is built. People who have certain rituals or customs of frequent consumption are conditioned to receive their dose of dopamine to temporarily dull anxiety.

6. Suppress, paint pretty or ignore

A process similar to that of idealization is the tendency to let overlook important information or facts, in order to continue believing the same story.

For example, the story of the perfect husband, who is always there for the family. If he hardly ever spends time at home, it's because he works so hard to be able to give everything to his family and if he prefers to go out drinking with his friends in his spare time, it's because he deserves a break. It is a very common strategy and almost independent of the type of attachment. We all need to hold back at times in order to cope with the multitude of worries that life brings, right? It becomes difficult when it is a protective strategy and the person feels bad, says that something is missing, he cannot be happy for something, but he does not know what it is, because supposedly everything is fine.

7. Camouflage, Lies and role play

People who since their childhood they learned that they should not show their emotions and were educated to simply "function"In their adult life they think more about how to please others and not like them and less about who they want to be according to their own convictions. Unconsciously, they learned some strategies; for example, assuming a role in the group, such as being the clown who always makes jokes and who is not affected by anything. Since their main task or concern is not to bother with their problems to avoid rejection, they don't know very well what they really want for themselves. They pass as with a mask in social life and tend to lie so as not to disappoint others.

There are many shades of gray between anxious attachment and secure attachment.

Protective strategies are then unconscious behaviors that we apply to prevent our fears, mostly childhood fears. In their time they were important survival tools, but in adult life they prevent full and authentic personal development. People who tend more towards an insecure or anxious attachment apply protective strategies that make it easier for them to be close to other people. Since they do not believe in their own abilities, they see themselves as insufficient, incapable or a burden for others, their protective strategies aim to help them to have people close, who help them or at least not scare anyone, but please the rest because of their fear of abandonment.

Maybe you identified with some of the strategies described in this article, but that doesn't mean you should automatically be anxiously attached. As I mentioned, the vast majority of us fall somewhere on a scale between anxious to secure to avoidant attachment. If you recognized yourself in some parts, perhaps your tendency is more anxious than avoidant. If you have noticed that you apply many of these forms of protection and you really have doubts about your type of attachment, it is an interesting topic to discuss with a therapist.