Itziar Arana: "A bond of attachment is also created in couples"

There are many ways of interpreting and perceiving the problems that arise in couple relationships. For some people, what doesn't work has to do with expectations; for others, what fails is related to the expression of emotions; In some cases, the conclusion is reached that the couple's crisis that they are going through has no solution.

It is normal for there to be various interpretations of apparently similar phenomena, because human relationships are always very complex, especially if love is involved. Depending on the facet of that relationship in which we look, we will obtain different conclusions.

With the world of couples therapy there is something similar: there is no one way to intervene in marriages and courtships that need a "pueta to point", since we can start from work philosophies markedly different. In this case we will know one of these work models in couples therapy, Couples Therapy Focused on Emotions. The psychologist Itziar Arana, who has been using it for many years, will explain its keys to us.

• Related article: "Reasons why it would be a good idea to go to a therapist with your husband or wife"

Interview with Itziar Arana: Couples Therapy Focused on Emotions

Itziar Arana Rivero She is an expert psychologist in couples therapy, a field from which she helps people involved in marriages and courtships in her office located in Madrid. In this interview she explains her conception of psychotherapeutic assistance services for couples, and she tells us He talks about Emotion-Focused Therapy applied to this kind of crisis of coexistence and communication.

How would you summarize the main idea on which couples therapy is based?

Human beings are social beings, and more than that, we are emotionally attached beings. From our earliest childhood, and even before we are born, we need the other in order to survive, we need ties with significant people, as I said. John Bowlby in her Attachment Theory.

This bond of attachment is also established in couples. No longer unequal as in childhood where parents mostly give and children essentially receive, but attachment after all. Adult attachment. Relationships are a type of relationship in which we feel seen, loved, valued... insurance.

From the perspective of TFE Emotion Focused Therapy, created by Sue Johnson, we understand the conflicts that couples bring to therapy as a protest to the disconnection of this attachment adult. When we feel that our bond is in danger, that our need for connection is not being met, it is when fights and disagreements appear, because we need to know that we can tune in again with our couple.

From your professional experience, what do you do when couples therapy patients see the problem as something "encapsulated" in the other or in oneself, and not so much as a relational problem based on the interaction between two people?

My experience is that most couples who come to therapy do so from very opposing positions, in which they certainly feel that the The problem is the other, or perhaps it is themselves, but yes, in general they do not experience it as a relational problem, although perhaps as a problem of communication.

When so many emotions are at stake, as happens in any couple conflict, it is difficult to be able to explain what is happening. Generally, patients know their anger quite well, the one that leads them to tell their partner everything that is wrong, and also that desire to disappear so that the conflict ends, but they know very little about all the emotions that exist below. Most can speak of a rather "amorphous" malaise, if you allow me the expression, and little else.

With the help of therapy, they are discovering, naming, accepting and experiencing the underlying emotions. And it is from this knowledge and recognition of our emotional world from where we can understand that the problem is not my partner, nor is it me, if not, how sometimes we feel insecure in our bond and we react trying to recover the connection with the other, although paradoxically we achieve what contrary.

Your work serving couples is based on Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy. What exactly does it consist of and why do you think it is more useful to you than other types of therapy?

In the TFE an experiential work is done, within the session itself, which leads the couple to leave knowing in a deeper way, to be able to get involved with their own emotional world and with that of their couple. We understand that emotions are the objective of therapy and at the same time the agent of change, that is why we put all our attention on them.

Generally, in my case, in the sessions the couples go deeper into their emotional world, session by session. session, and they discover what emotions are awakened in them that generate certain thoughts and behaviors. This is done with the greatest possible care, respecting the times of each member of the couple, taking care that each of them feels safe in the process.

Regarding why I think it is more useful, I would say that today because I see it with the couples who consult me. But at first, when I began my training in this model with Sam Jinich in Zaragoza, and I had not yet put it into practice in consultation, simply because he tuned in with me. At that time, I had been with my partner for more than 15 years and everything, absolutely everything they told me in the training, resonated with me, with my emotions and with my own relationship as a couple. I felt recognized in the bond and in the disconnection protest, and I think we would all feel that way, because attachment is universal.

What are the main stages in which Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy develops when, for example, a couple comes to you for professional help?

This question would take a long time to explain, because the TFE model is very clear for Therapists and gives us a map of where the couple that consults us is and where they should go. But anyway, summarizing it a lot, I would tell you that there are three fundamental stages.

In the first we try to stabilize the conflict that they bring to therapy. We promote understanding of what is happening to them, why they argue so much, what reactions each one provokes behaviors of the other, what thoughts appear in those moments, what emotions are put into play in these discussions,... and that they understand how this cycle of negative interactions traps the two of them.

In the second stage we promote a structural change in each of the members of the couple that also restructures the bond between them, turning it into a safe bond for both.

And finally, in the third stage we consolidate this change and talk about the most practical conversations about their day to day.

What is known about the efficacy of this therapeutic proposal? With what type of problems or needs is it most helpful?

Various studies have been carried out on the effectiveness of Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in the United States and Canada. which show that between 70% and 75% of couples who follow this model reduce their conflicts and feel more secure and happy in their relationship. And 90% speak of a significant improvement.

Not only this, because follow-up studies have also been done, years after having finished therapy, and the change that EFT generates has been found to be particularly stable, maintains. Which, from my point of view, is an added value of this type of therapy.

In fact, the American Psychological Association has recognized Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) as a clinical treatment of empirically proven efficacy since it has a clear formative process and there are several randomized clinical trials that demonstrate its effectiveness.

This is in the US and Canada, but the EFT is a model in continuous progress, a living model, which is being refined day by day, and which, although has been based on something as universal as attachment, it is believed that the cultural factor may influence this refinement of same. For this reason, currently, the researcher Martiño Rodríguez-González from the University of Navarra, with the support of experts from the US and Canada, is initiating the first randomized clinical trial in speech pairs hispanic

This study will be developed in the countries of Argentina, Spain, Mexico and Guatemala. And I am lucky to be one of the therapists selected to be part of it.

Could you give an example of the way in which Emotion-Focused Therapy helps to manage arguments or love conflicts?

In a first session, the man tells us: "When he gets like this, telling me that I'm doing everything wrong, I can't take it anymore and I have to get out."

Later sessions: "Honestly, when I only hear everything I do wrong from her mouth, with the In my efforts to make it right for her, I am completely frustrated and need get away".

Some more sessions: "It is very painful for me to try to do it well, to do it well for her, so that she is happy, so that we are happy, and to feel that I will never be able to reach the bar that she sets. It hurts me deeply to feel that I am not and I will not be able to, and I can't stand his look at those moments, I have to go."

And if we continue...

Many times it is not easy to know if a discussion or incident is part of the normality of a love relationship or if, on the contrary, it is a significant symptom that something is not going well. What would you recommend to learn to distinguish between these two types of situations?

The practical issues of life in which disagreements in a couple can appear are many and of all kinds: education, family, work, extended family, friends... generally any topic. Normally the couple is the person chosen to accompany us in almost all facets of life and that is why their opinion is important.

But, after all, we are talking about two different people, raised in different environments and with different ideas; and this often leads to a great difference of opinion and on issues that we consider very important, such as the education of children.

Having said this, I think it is understood that all couples argue, I would say in a practical way, about what to do and what not to do, in each situation. And that whenever a couple argues there is some discomfort between the two, it is not a pleasant feeling for one or the other.

But it is also true that there are discussions that go beyond this practical nature of two conflicting opinions looking for a solution and make us feel insecure about this link that I was talking about before.

When we feel that the discussions do not end, but are postponed to a new confrontation in which there will be more of the same, more insecurity and frustration.

When we don't argue and there is a certain calm, but we experience it as tense because we continue to feel insecure in our relationship.

When we choose not to argue and say what we really think for fear that it will totally destroy our relationship.

So when a couple finds themselves in the situation where the issue of disagreement is not what is in game, but the security of the relationship, is the moment in which I would recommend going to therapy to repair your bond.