Obsessive ruminations in mourning: what they are and how they appear

A grieving process is a complex process, both psychologically and emotionally, that we face when we lose a loved one (for example in a death, separation...).

Each person lives it in their own way, although it is true that many times we need professional help to overcome this vital stage.

On the other hand, obsessive ruminations in mourning occur in many people. But what do they consist of? What characteristics do they have? How do they appear? Do they have any psychological function? What examples of them do we know? In this article we will answer all these questions.

• Related article: "Grief: coping with the loss of a loved one"

Obsessive ruminations in mourning: characteristics

Before delving into the subject of obsessive ruminations in mourning, let's remember what obsessive ruminations are. These consist of a type of thought of a repetitive nature, which generates anxiety and discomfort, and that does not allow us to reach any valid conclusion (in short, it is about going around persistent ideas).

In mourning processes (when a relative or friend dies, in a separation or divorce, etc.), the appearance of this type of rumination is frequent.

Regarding its characteristics, we know that they entail a lack of action in the person who suffers them (that is, passivity), as well as a lack of expression of affection and a loss of general vision of things (because with them, we focus on a single part of reality).

How do they appear?

How do obsessive ruminations appear in mourning? We know that these manifest themselves, frequently, through uncontrolled and intrusive thoughts: they emerge into consciousness without our intending it, and without warning.

The forms they adopt are, of the type: "And if...", "If I could go back...", "It's all my fault", "If I had acted differently...", "I can't live without him/her", "I don't I can live without him/her”, etc.

These thoughts appear in the person's mind on a recurring (repetitive) basis, and They tell us about aspects, situations or elements that our mind still cannot accept; all this is related to three main elements: the circumstances of the death of that person, the relationship we have lost and the consequences of said loss.

How do they act?

Obsessive ruminations in mourning are manifested through a search tendency; that is, through them, we explore certain elements or circumstances that (we hope) explain or justify the cause of death of that person we have lost.

We have given some examples of such ruminations; We also know that many times these take the form of a question. In this way, through them we ask ourselves: Why? As was? What happened?

Obsessive ruminations in mourning are also manifested through a great fixation for the details that accompany the death of that person; most of the time it is about insignificant details or that are not really important.

Thus, the "little voice" (an alien, imagined voice) that asks us, ourselves, becomes constant: What if??? (“And if I had not acted like that, and if I had fired me, and if I had told him that I loved him, and if…”).

Through these ruminations, we become obsessed with answering questions that surely have no answer, believing that such an answer will bring us a feeling of relief (when in reality, it does not have to be that way).

targeting

On the other hand, through these intrusive thoughts we focus on the negative symptoms that have arisen as a result of the death for which we are grieving, as well as the possible causes and consequences thereof.

We also focus -and this is very common-, through these thoughts, trying to understand the reason for said death (we look for a meaning to it, a meaning). The result of all these processes is that we tend to go over and over things or ideas without arriving at any clear (or healing) answer, wearing out our mood and our energy.

The obsession of ruminations

On the other hand, obsessive mourning ruminations, as its name suggests, are based on obsession. In obsessions, the experience of reality is mental; what does that mean? That we do not live, but that we think about living. Thus, everything is focused on our mind, thinking about things, looking for answers, wandering... without actually putting anything into practice.

In this mental experience, we focus on a specific aspect of our reality (or on some of them); in this case, aspects related to the death of the deceased person, or to our mourning process. As a result of all this, what happens is that we lose overview of the situation; we lose a large part of reality, due to that fixation on carefully analyzing only a part of it (many times, a tiny part of it).

In this way, we lose a lot of relevant information (information that, all told, for us at that moment does not make sense or importance). This results in a loss of perspective and objectivity, and in a fragmented and reductionist vision of what is really happening around us.

Thus, we can characterize (or define) the obsession of obsessive ruminations in mourning, as a cognitive fixation rigid and inflexible, which does not allow us to advance in our grieving process and which also hinders a healthy and adaptive process.

Consequences of ruminations

The fixation on only one part of reality that has as a direct consequence an inaction on our part; In this way, we do not act, we only think (rather than thinking, we "get obfuscated" in certain types of thinking).

Added to this inaction (or passivity), is a great feeling of loneliness, characteristic of this stage of life that we are experiencing, and which is mourning.

This way, people who present frequent obsessive ruminations in mourning tend to isolate, which prevents them from connecting with their environment (this includes the things around them, people, the landscape...) and with themselves.

Impact on behavior

Obsessive grieving ruminations also have an impact on the behavior of the person who is experiencing this process, and which translates into: looking at the ground, talking to oneself (or to the circumstances), losing contact with the environment and with oneself, etc

Regarding the latter, it frequently happens that the person has difficulties connecting with their subjective experience and with what they are explaining to others.

psychological functions

However, despite the fact that obsessive ruminations in mourning are a pathological mechanism, in a way, it is also true that perform a number of psychological functions. This is so because the mind, although it sometimes plays its "traps" on us, many times it will have the function of protecting itself (or avoiding suffering).

These functions, proposed by Payás (2008), are classified into three large groups: related to death trauma, related to bonding and related to denial of pain. Let's see which functions correspond to each group and what each of them consists of:

1. Regarding the trauma of death

In this case, the psychological functions of obsessive ruminations are two: improve predictability (of what will happen), and seek meaning in death.

2. Regarding the link

Here we also find two functions: on the one hand, to repair the feeling of guilt, and on the other, to continue the bond (relationship) with that person who is no longer there.

3. Regarding the denial of pain

Finally, in the third group we find the following rumination functions: offer a sense of control and stability and stabilize the fragile and dependent ego that we have left after the tragic event.

Bibliographic references:

• Freeston, M.H and Ladouceur, R. (1997). Analysis and treatment of obsessions. To see. Caballo (Dir.), Manual for the cognitive-behavioral treatment of psychological disorders (Vol. 1, p. 137-169). Madrid: XXI century.
• Payás, A. (2008). Psychological functions and treatment of obsessive ruminations in mourning. Rev. Assoc. Esp. Neuropsych., 28(102): 307-323.