Lidia Santoyo: from what philosophy do you work in couples therapy?

In psychology, intervention is not only done to help individuals; It also intervenes to improve the health of personal relationships. However, this is not easy, because relationships are very changeable and dynamic.

In this sense, from the point of view of psychology professionals, one of the most complex things to understand how therapy works relationship consists of understanding what are those elements of the relationship that are damaged and that must be reinforced, and the objectives that must be aspired to reach. In other words, what is difficult is reaching an understanding of the philosophy of couples therapy.

To learn more about this philosophy, We have interviewed Lidia Santoyo, a psychologist based in Santander who is an expert in couples therapy and that has a long history helping all types of patients.

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Interview with Lidia Santoyo: the philosophy on which couples therapy is based

Lidia Santoyo Revilla

has been caring for individual patients and couples for more than 15 years of professional experience. Here she talks to us about her way of understanding couples therapy as a space for expressing emotions and searching for the common.

Is it difficult to know in which cases the problem is in an individual person and in which it is in the relationship between two or more people?

In my opinion we should stop talking about the problem. When a couple is in a situation of disagreement, conflict or risk, we do not talk about the "problem" or the "guilt" charged to one of the two members. Whatever the situation, both people have the capacity to change and it depends on both of them whether the situation improves or heals.

Elements internal and external to the couple are constantly working as facilitators or as stressors and potential risks. Only from the effort and adhesion to generate the improvement of both members of the couple and the recognition of all these situations by which they can be affected, internally and externally, you can get the change.

The responsibility of interpersonal relationships is always a shared issue. Relationships between people are balanced by subtle forces that give each couple their particular entity.

How do you create a neutral environment in which both patients can express themselves without fear of being attacked?

A couples therapy can only be given from a situation of equality of the members of the same. If we look at this specific point in therapy, it would be very close to a mediation situation. The two members should feel free to expose and direct the conversation to any point of the coexistence or those issues that are affected.

In itself, the therapeutic environment is already an agent of change and improvement. The lack of communication or communication without adequate quality are basic generators, maintainers and chroniclers of the conflict situation.

The therapeutic space is a space without judgments, dialogue in which they can express without feeling attacked, at all times they respect listening, the assertive attitude and that becomes a responsibility shared by therapist and patients that fills with freedom well understood, generating a climate of encounter and free expression that by itself adds positively from moment zero to the couple.

Throughout your professional career, what are the couple difficulties that you have encountered the most?

As I have already pointed out in my previous comments, the vision of the situation from the fault or the omission of responsibility or its excess, by one of the parties and the lack or mismanagement of communication are base generators of the conflict situation in the couple.

Take many things for granted or because "they are like that". The couple is a space for growth that is often neglected and becomes involved in patterns of automatic and repeated behaviors that, although they do not satisfy us, we find ourselves unable to change.

The so-called "monotony" is neither more nor less than just this, repeat and repeat, making ourselves comfortable in the automation of behaviors, losing the perspective of change both of the individual himself, and of the other or the set of both.

Drowning out comments, desire, ideas or alternatives out of... laziness, "not having trouble", not wanting to risk change. The couple, as a common entity, also enters comfort zones that can put them at risk.

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And in which cases is it known almost from the beginning that there is no point in doing couples therapy?

When both or one of the members finds themselves stuck in situations from which they resist leaving for fear of exceeding that "comfort zone" that we have talked about before, be it personal or couple. When it falls precisely to put "blame" on the other, when the changes are expected to come out of the other, the problems lie in the other, when we blame ourselves exclusively, why not, too.

When the lack of respect has reached important points or the principles of that couple have been betrayed and this is not contemplated by one of the two. These situations are complex, but not always, they will only become incapacitating to face a couples therapy if both or one of the members of the couple becomes entrenched in them and cannot get out of their loop.

Of course, something that invalidates couples therapy as such, but not therapeutic intervention, is violence. Yes, it is true that starting a couples therapy when there is physical violence exerted by one of the members of the couple is uncommon, starting it when the violence is psychological or is exercised by both members of the couple, it is not such an uncommon situation common. Psychological intervention in these cases, not from couples therapy, but it is beneficial to generate a change that ends the risk situation.

In cases where a marriage or courtship ends, having gone to couples therapy, is this considered a failure?

When we start a couples therapy, we always do it with expectations of "healing" the situation, given From this angle, the breakup can be a way to heal the situation, permanently or transitory

Success is not always in maintenance, it may be that it is in the peaceful rupture, generated from respect and not traumatic, both for the couple and for the affected family members, although here we would be extrapolating to the therapy of family.

There may be a situation where one of the members or even both are pulling a situation already very chronicled in which only one can propose an improvement and a deconquest from the separation. As I have explained in the previous questions, addressing the situation as soon as possible and being able to be flexible and generate new scenarios from respect, is the key so that the break is not the only situation possible.

What challenges do psychologists dedicated to couples therapy have ahead of them?

One of them is the one that is reflected in the previous question, not seeing therapy as a danger, as an attack on our preponderance or as a danger of rupture. Make people aware that this is one more tool, developed to be used when necessary, so we won't wait so long to ask for help.

As in any complicated situation, help should be administered as soon as possible, this will be an indicator of the possibilities of reaching the proposed goal of improvement in couples therapy.